The state of me

Hey there, StayLDSers! It’s been some months, maybe a year? since I was last here. You all helped me through a tough transition. I thought I’d give a little update about where I’m at—although, I don’t really know where I’m at, so I’m hoping the act of writing this will help me figure it out. Haha.

A quick intro for newer site members who may not know who I am. I was born and raised in the church and went on a mission. About a year after getting home, I went though a faith crisis. I didn’t have a problem with any specific bit of church history or doctrine. My issue was more about trying to understand how the Spirit works and how it’s intertwined with culture and belief. Unfortunately my heartfelt prayer at the time wasn’t answered—in fact, it left me feeling pretty awful. I landed in a state of agnosticism. Shortly after that time, my wife and I got married outside the temple. My wife is a faithful believer. I promised her that I would always support her and the kids in church, so I always attended church. But over the years I became completely disengaged. I turned down a couple callings and spent most of the three hour block in the foyer. When my oldest son’s baptism approached, I was ready to throw in the towel. But the lovely folks here at StayLDS pulled me away from the brink. I ended up baptizing my son and returning to almost full activity. I don’t have a temple recommend, but I have a calling in the nursery and have since baptized my second child.

So where am I now, 14 years after a faith crisis and 2 years into a transition period? Not a whole lot has changed about what I believe. I still consider myself agnostic, although I have found more reason for hope than I had in the past. For me, just knowing that there are others out there like me, who struggle with church and gospel issues, yet find a way to stay—that was a revelation and a healing balm to my soul that helped me slowly change my perspective in a positive way. I now find it easier to listen to those I disagree with and have found myself able to talk about certain subjects, and even teach lessons, without feeling sick to my stomach with anxiety or feeling like a fraud. The fact that I’m teaching extremely simplified lessons to nursery kids helps! I skip the ones about Joseph Smith.

For the past year, I’ve found myself in a status quo situation that I enjoy. I go hang out with the nursery kids for two hours every week. I have no idea what they’re teaching in SS and EQ. Hardly anyone talks to me, which is fine by me (I’m a pretty severe introvert). We have six kids and are often late to sacrament meeting or miss it entirely due to sickness, so most of the time I don’t even know what’s going on in the ward. Our home teachers drop by with a treat every now and then but never come inside. I quit Facebook and most of my blog reading, so I hardly even know what’s going on in the wider world of Mormondom.

I don’t pay tithing and don’t hold a temple recommend. I have slowly, oh so slowly, been working my way towards feeling OK about paying tithing. I kind of view it as membership dues, a way to give a little bit back to an organization that, frankly, does a lot for my family, and a way to practice selflessness. Before my faith crisis, I never had a problem with tithing. I only stopped paying it because as an agnostic I didn’t see the point (I see the point now and think I was shortsighted back then). I kept telling myself I could start paying again at any time. But it’s much harder than I imagined it would be. I have it all planned out. I’m going to take a surplus approach, so it really shouldn’t be a huge hardship. There will likely be months where I have no surplus. Yet taking that first step is still hard.

The fact that my wife and I don’t have a temple marriage is sometimes a sore spot. I think she has come to peace with our marriage as it currently is, but I know she still holds on to hope for that temple sealing one day. The kids get taught about temple marriage in church, and the older ones know we don’t have that. It would make her and the kids so happy to get that temple sealing. I want to make them happy. Yet I’m not sure I can take that step, even if I were paying tithing, while feeling fully authentic.

I don’t really have a problem sustaining church leaders, supporting Joseph Smith as a restorer and prophet (that term doesn’t mean a whole lot to me, but I don’t think it’s wrong to describe Joseph that way), or keeping the word of wisdom (never been interested in coffee, let alone anything else).

I struggle with prayer. We hold family prayer every day, and I take my turn when it comes. I’ve even said prayers in church. I view it as a social function. But I still don’t feel totally comfortable with it. My own faith crisis peaked with a failed prayer. I don’t know if God is even there, let alone listening to me, and I have little to say to him. If he’s there, he’s either an absentee parent or a tough-love parent, so I wouldn’t expect coddling from him either way. I’ve toyed with conversational-type prayers, just chatting with a God who MIGHT be there while in my car or whatever, but it doesn’t really float my boat.

I recently started taking the sacrament again, for the first time in 14 years. I finally realized that I had been building it up in my mind as if it were this giant, symbolic event that would MEAN something about the validity of the church and my commitment to it. But when I baptized my son and daughter, I viewed it mostly as a commitment on their part to follow the example of Jesus Christ (love everyone, follow your conscience, etc.) and join an organization that follows his teaching. Why couldn’t I view it that simply for myself? It’s just a renewing of a commitment to follow Christ’s ideals. So one week I just shut my mind down, ignored my fears, and took a piece of bread when the tray came around. It was kind of anticlimactic.

So that’s roughly where I am with my faith journey. Not too far from when I was last here on the boards, but I’m counting each baby step as a victory.