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I came across this article on setting healthy boundaries. I think it describes the place I finally arrived on my own with the church. The setting of healthy boundaries is good for self esteem, inner peace, happiness, and wholly appropriate. It can be a source of freedom and can lift burdens. I have felt all those things since I set my own boundaries with the church. And recently, after refusing 4 callings from my Bishop, and educating him on what works for me, and what doesn’t, I finally got a calling that I am interested in. More freedom and peace. As well as the ability to serve in the church in a way that works for me – at least, that is the prognosis. This is not to say we don’t make conscious sacrifices to serve within the church — sometimes even at the request of local leaders — but it does mean we never relinquish our right to say “no” or limit how much is extracted from us when we feel it is wrong to give it.
Quote:
Healthy Personal Boundaries& How to Establish Them
Learning to set healthy personal boundaries is necessary for maintaining a positive self-concept, or self-image. It is our way of communicating to others that we have self-respect, self-worth, and will not allow others to define us. Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of others. Their presence helps us express ourselves as the unique individuals we are, while we acknowledge the same in others.
It would not be possible to enjoy healthy relationships without the existence of personal boundaries, or without our willingness to communicate them directly and honestly with others. We must recognize that each of us is a unique individual with distinct emotions, needs and preferences. This is equally true for our spouses, children and friends.
To set personal boundaries means to preserve your integrity, take responsibility for who you are, and to take control of your life.
How do we establish healthy personal boundaries?
Know that you have a right to personal boundaries. You not only have the right, but you must take responsibility for how you allow others to treat you. Your boundaries act as filters permitting what is acceptable in your life and what is not. If you don’t have boundaries that protect and define you, as in a strong sense of identity, you tend to derive your sense of worth from others. To avoid this situation, set clear and decisive limits so that others will respect them, then be willing to do whatever it takes to enforce them. Interestingly, it’s been shown that those who have weak boundaries themselves tend to violate the boundaries of others.
Recognize that other people’s needs and feelings are not more important than your own. Many women have traditionally thought that the needs of their husbands and children are more important than their own. This is not only untrue, but it can undermine the healthy functioning of the family dynamic. If a woman is worn out mentally and physically from putting everyone else first, she not only destroys her own health, she in turn deprives her family of being fully engaged in their lives. Instead, she should encourage every family member to contribute to the whole as well as take care of himself or herself. Putting themselves last is not something only women do, but many men as well.
Learn to say no. Many of us are people-pleasers and often put ourselves at a disadvantage by trying to accommodate everyone. We don’t want to be selfish, so we put our personal needs on the back burner and agree to do things that may not be beneficial to our well-being. Actually, a certain amount of “selfishness” is necessary for having healthy personal boundaries. You do not do anyone any favors, least of all yourself, by trying to please others at your own expense.
Identify the actions and behaviors that you find unacceptable. Let others know when they’ve crossed the line, acted inappropriately, or disrespected you in any way. Do not be afraid to tell others when you need emotional and physical space. Allow yourself to be who you really are without pressure from others to be anything else. Know what actions you may need to take if your wishes aren’t respected.
Trust and believe in yourself. You are the highest authority on you. You know yourself best. You know what you need, want, and value. Don’t let anyone else make the decisions for you. Healthy boundaries make it possible for you to respect your strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others. An unhealthy imbalance occurs when you encourage neediness, or are needy; want to be rescued, or are the rescuer, or when you choose to play the victim.
Signs of Unhealthy Boundaries
• Going against personal values or rights in order to please others.
• Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving.
• Taking as much as you can for the sake of taking.
• Letting others define you.
• Expecting others to fill your needs automatically.
• Feeling bad or guilty when you say no.
• Not speaking up when you are treated poorly.
• Falling apart so someone can take care of you.
• Falling “in love” with someone you barely know or who reaches out to you.
• Accepting advances, touching and sex that you don’t want.
• Touching a person without asking.
When we possess healthy personal boundaries:
✓ We have improved self-confidence and a healthy self-concept.
✓ We are more in touch with reality.
✓ Are better able to communicate with others.
✓ Have better more fulfilling relationships.
✓ Have more stability and control over our lives.
It is never too late to work on establishing healthy personal boundaries.
How do we distinguish between our desire to set boundaries, and personal selfishness that simply prevents us from wanting to serve?
I agree that setting boundaries is important. This article appears to encompass individuals that are unable to set healthy boundaries in any form. Examples such as needing to be able to turn away unwanted sexual advances help me to see that some people are very, very deficient in healthy boundary setting.
I also find it interesting that the examples given include people who seem to be hyper selfish, inconsiderate, and aggressive as well as those that cannot say no.
• Giving as much as you can for the sake of giving.
• Taking as much as you can for the sake of taking.
• Accepting advances, touching and sex that you don’t want.
• Touching a person without asking.
As in so many things, living in the extremes is not healthy. Being hyper-passive or hyper-aggressive is not good for building strong lasting balanced relationships. Being assertive is the moderate choice.
One thing I struggle with in boundaries is “old man syndrome”. I believed from a young adult age that older people were harder to get to do things. A foreman I met in a restaurant where I was a DJ told me how to handle problems I had in my full time job in manufacturing — not being able to get things done due to various political issues. His advice was to “ask someone young” first. he implied that older people get less cooperative, less willing to do things.
I have found that yes, I feel a greater peace than before in setting boundaries, but I also wonder if I am just being an old curmudgeon. The scriptures say we should be “easy to to be entreated” — meaning, when people ask us to do things, we are generally cooperative and helpful.
I used to do just about everything people asked me to do, even as recently as 5 years ago. But now, I have firm ideas that I will not a) help people move unless I want do b) not set up chairs c) not take callings I don’t want d) not do a bunch of other things in the church that I find angst-producing.
I am constantly wavering between feeling confident I have inner peace, and wondering if I am just becoming a crotchety old man.
I am not that way in my work — students want something, I normally give it if it is not against policy, integrity, or otherwise. So, I am hoping this is just a church thing
I don’t know if this contributes, but it has to do with drawing lines. Someone said she used to see life as a balance beam routine. Four inches (or whatever it is) to work with or else you’re off, fallen and penalized. Now it’s a floor exercise. She’s got the whole mat instead of the perilous beam. There are still rules, forms, required elements, etc., but more opportunities for expression and creativity, and music!
Beautiful Ann! SilentDawning wrote:His advice was to “ask someone young” first. he implied that older people get less cooperative, less willing to do things.
I believe that this is why young people are recruited into the army. Young people will do crazy, stupid, and hormone driven things sometimes – BUT they generally respond better to appeal to authority. I believe that this is part of the reason that our church sends missionaries out predominantly as young people. Older people have more confidence that is built of having more life experiences and a stronger tendency to stand their ground.
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