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I came across this thing I’d written years ago when I was HPGL. I thought I’d lost it in the computer shuffle….enjoy..it’s a mock newspaper article. Quote:
Bishop Cancels HomeTeaching Program,
Increases Sacrament Meeting Attendance
In a bold move, Bishop Virgil Nights of the Rebellion Forks 9th Ward announced to Melchizedek Priesthood holders that all home teaching should cease until further notice. “They weren’t doing their home teaching anyway, so I don’t think this will affect our numbers. In fact, the majority of our home teachers were offending most of the families with whom they made contact”.
Bishop Nights reported that sacrament and priesthood meeting attendance jumped after the announcement. Brother Kevin Frost, a long-time inactive member explains why he immediately started attending: “I used to feel guilty attending meetings when I hadn’t done my home teaching. Plus I was tired of coming up with new and better excuses for why I didn’t visit my families”. Brother Frost reported that with the guilt removed, he enjoys coming to Church and can stop pretending he works 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, has a disability, and is without a drivers license.
High Priest Group Leader and Ward Historian, George Hoffman, was also pleased with the move. “I have a better relationship with the brethren in my quorum now that I’m not responsible for badgering them about home teaching. We feel more like brothers and quorum unity has reached an all time high”.
But not everyone is excited as Brother Hoffman. Less-active 70 year old Agnes McNerny bemoans the loss of her faithful home teacher Samson Sorenson. “Mr. Sorenson used to come by every 6 months without fail, and would drop a note at the door. I’m sad about the change because I was hoping to catch him driving up to see what he looks like. Now I’ll never know.”
Similar complaints could be heard from 36 year-old single mother Margaret Archer. “My home teacher used to look after my lawn until the program was discontinued. So now, I’ve had to put in an extra 15 minutes a month at my law practice just to pay for a lawn service.”
The reaction of Stake President Marion G. Smith was also less than positive. Says President Smith: “I don’t agree with the decision, as home teaching is a priesthood calling from which we are never released. Each brother should look at it with joy and anticipation of blessings”. When asked how many of his own families he saw last month, Smith indicated he was late for an appointment and declined to comment. High Priest Group Leader, George Hoffman declined to comment when asked the same question.
Although controversial, many other wards have been experimenting with similar programs.
Bishop Dennis Mason of the Sunny View 3rd Ward has indicated that Melchizedek Priesthood holders may be exempted from home teaching by meeting a 15% tithing requirement. “We’ve sunk the extra 5% into hiring private investigators to visit new move-ins and to determine move-out addresses and phone numbers. The new tithing requirement for non-home teachers also allows us to pay formerly reluctant hometeachers $80 per visit. The response has been overwhelming”.
Bishop Mason indicates the program has created a surge in home teaching numbers and has cleaned up ward records. However, Bishop Mason reports that 15% percent tithe payers have also cut their fast offering donations, which has created a fast offering deficit.
Says Bishop Mason, a former tax accountant with Enron Corporation, “The effect is to divert fast offering funds to the home teaching program. Fortunately, the Stake makes up the fast offering deficit, so as a Ward, our budget is not affected”.
When asked if this is fair to the Stake, Mason indicated “I think this is fair –the Stake has been stealing our most committed members for years – now it’s their turn to give back”.
Quote:But not everyone is excited as Brother Hoffman. Less-active 70 year old Agnes McNerny bemoans the loss of her faithful home teacher Samson Sorenson. “Mr. Sorenson used to come by every 6 months without fail, and would drop a note at the door. I’m sad about the change because I was hoping to catch him driving up to see what he looks like. Now I’ll never know.”
😆 Thanks — at least SOMEONE thought it had some humor in it! I missed it the first time around, thanks for bumping. :thumbup: I laughed out loud when I read it. It’s very accurate. It’s like one of those Onion articles that you read and you have to do a double-take to make sure it actually is an Onion article. It reminds me of an elder’s quorum presidency member who gave me the evil eye when I told him that I was not going to make a goal of 100 percent hometeaching every month, and that I would probably be doing it every 2-3 months. Then a year later when we became companions, I was the one setting up HTing visits every 2-3 months. If it wasn’t for me we probably would never have gone. Not to toot my own horn or anything. Hometeaching was something I simplified out of my life last year, and I told the EQ pres I did not want to be on the list anymore. It’s a program I’ve always had such mixed feelings over. It always feels so forced and unpleasant- except when it doesn’t.
How did I miss it the first time? I do think a few days back I was really pounded at work and I may have glanced and thought “I don’t have time for that today – if it is good someone will comment and I will see it” I missed this the first time too. Great job, SD! Love it! 😆 😆 😆
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