On Being a Rock and an Island

Re-reading your questions, I will say I do try a bit to make the opportunity to connect with others, but I am a bit lassie-fair at the same time. I don’t need the connections, but I enjoy them. I don’t get upset when they don’t pan out.

That’s it right there. It’s a case of lowered expectations.

Interesting how both you and your kids were ready for the separation. Until recently, my daughter was trilled about it and I was sad about it. Now I am counting the days — not in a bad way, but looking forward to the benefits of a simpler life with only one child at home.

I was speaking to one of my maturer students the other day (she is my age), and she said that when they moved out, she was sad at first. But when she got to enjoying life without them in their home, she didn’t want them to move back in when they wanted.

I see some of that in my experience last week. I felt so much less pressure when I was the only one in my surroundings. I can see how after you get used to it, having others around would be an inconvenience.

We are fortunate that studies show emotional stability tends to increase as we age. Older people tend to have fewer, or less extreme mood swings. It is probably different in every case, but I have spent so much of my life upset about things, that I think the “fatigue” has set in. I am very in touch now, with how minor set backs affect my mood. And I can say — “I am not going to let that [insert situation here] interfere with my inner peace — I am tired up being upset!”.

I do think it’s a good coping strategy with the angst church can create — to go at it with stability. Without expecting community, doing what makes you feel the most joy in that context. And enjoying the flashes of goodness that happen.

What are your thoughts on this — is this something that develops with age? And do you consider it healthy to enjoy those emotionally intimate moments when they happen, but then to leave them behind like you would a good meal, content to only enjoy it again should life serve it up again? Do you think this kind of emotional independence is yet another way of making your peace with the church — where you can be part of it, but without the angst that comes from wanting specific things from people in it?

I believe it does come with age (to a certain extent). When my children went off to school, I wanted them to be detached & learn to become more adult.

And make adult decisions on their own. Now that they are done with school, have careers, married & have children of their own, I would like more

contact. Especially since we’re retired. My wife could care less. She’s happy living in a big house with occasional visits from the kids.

I love being a “Grand”. Each phase of our lives has different experiences & expectations. My only regret is: I wish my wife & I were more synchronized.

And I realize that time is growing short. I’m almost in the final phase. (That is a “downer”.)

My comment might be, I have found joy in spite of not having mastery over personal circumstances. Does that make sense? Do you limit your personal circumstances to the things you can control? I’m just looking for more understanding by what you mean.

I have a lot of things I can’t control, but I have found ways of minimizing their impact and finding joy in spite of those things. Much of it is mental conditioning and realizing there are a lot of things I simply cannot control. When I speak of personal mastery, I am referring to mastery over the things I can control. A simple case in point is how I streamline the ritual of getting ready for work, finding my keys, charging my phone, keeping my personal space tidy and attractive. I can do that, and I am finding there is great peace and joy in mastery of such simple things. That is what I’m referring to…

My bouts with loneliness don’t seem to be correlated to whether or not I’m physically with other people but I do think that long periods of separation from our routines (people, places, and things) can highlight the things that are really important to us.

It happens to me too. A while ago I lost interest in everything that makes me happy in my discretionary time. I could not figure out why. I eventually changed one thing, and my enthusiasm returned — unexpectedly. So I wonder if these bouts of loneliness have unconscious causes that we need to unearth. Is it because we want to share a success with someone? Is it because something unsettling has happened and we feel the need for companionship or sympathy? I am not sure. But I hope to determine the cause rather than succumbing to the loneliness, should it happen.

As “$#!+ happens” would have it, I found myself alone, about 5,000 miles from home. At the time I was struggling to find an inner light, I was well past my FC. I wasn’t lonely because I knew that after a month or so I’d return home. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. Anyway… I remember a specific thought that came to me. I wanted to start maximizing my time with my immediate family. My old orthodox self wouldn’t have cared, after all I have all eternity to be with family. Post faith crisis it was much harder to make that sacrifice in light of there being no guarantee. A faith crisis had shown me what was valuable.

I had the same feelings when I had my first let-down with the church. I wanted to be with my natural family again because the church community no longer felt like the place I wanted to be. Perhaps you were in fact lonely, or longing for companionship given how far away you were, but hadn’t fully analyzed the situation to put your finger on the cause?

What do you think of the phrase “no man is an island?” When I consider my personal circumstances, for better or for worse they always include other people.

I think the phrase is only partly true. We are an island, a fortress when we have our personal security. When we have learned to prize the self-respect from being emotionally independent of others, we are indeed an island. At the same time, we need other people to express ourselves through service to them. In that respect, we are NOT an island.

We don’t need them emotionally, but we do need people as a way of expressing our selfless desires, and self-actualizing. Normally, there is no emotional dependence from them that can turn into angst because we are serving them in ways that matter to them. We are not taking, we are giving, and people tend to accept giving when it is properly placed. They welcome our involvement, and the “failure rate” (non-acceptance) of our service tends to be very low. We respect their agency and do for them, those things they want. If they don’t want our service, then we go back to our island of personal security found in mastery of our personal circumstances that we can control, other forms of service that are wanted etcetera.

And do you consider it healthy to enjoy those emotionally intimate moments when they happen, but then to leave them behind like you would a good meal, content to only enjoy it again should life serve it up again?

To some degree, that’s life isn’t it. Like going to your grandparents’ house and you’re at the mercy of whatever they make for dinner. Say the grandparents roll out some really disgusting old people food, $#!+ on a shingle and collard greens. We’ve all heard, “there are starving people in China that would love to have that food so eat it!” Then you push the food around your plate with a fork, postponing the inevitable, until the food gets cold and really nasty. And then the next day they make your favorite meal.

Enjoy the good meals while they last and don’t not complain about the bad ones. The grandparents get tired of hearing the whining and might eventually cave.

I think life will always have these unpleasant aspects. We experience them, and then learn from them — that is where the peace lies — in learning from them. And then with that learning, we work to prevent having to eat the collared greens or even at our grandparents place at all. Or maybe we invite them over and provide the meal ourselves, on our own terms. I do say “no” to a lot of things now if I don’t think they will bring me joy. I have no problem with getting myself out of situations that are unpleasant now too. It’s like those situations are hot burners on the stove, and you withdraw, and prevent touching them, while learning how to prevent them from occurring again.