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Chapter 17: Preserve and Protect the FamilyFrom the Life of Howard W. HunterThis section has the potential to generate some discussion during our lessons. Howard gave up playing in his band shortly before marrying because:
Quote:Providing music for dances and parties “was glamorous in some respects,” he said, “and I made good money,” but he felt that parts of the lifestyle were incompatible with the kind of life he envisioned for his family. “This left a void of something I had enjoyed, [but] the decision has never been regretted,” he said years later.
This sets up a nice discussion about putting family first. Later in that same section:
Quote:In addition to extended visits with his children and grandchildren, many of President Hunter’s visits were “on the run,” during layovers when Church assignments took him through California. Because John often took his children to the airport to see their grandfather during these layovers, they sometimes referred to him as “the grandpa who lives at the airport.”
If “the family transcends every other interest in life” as the manual later points out, I think it’s important to spend some time during our lessons talking about how that counsel isn’t only related to sacrificing our hobbies and pastimes, it includes our church service as well. To be fair, someone usually brings that up in a lesson like this.
Additional thoughts:
I really like how Howard’s family had hobbies that they enjoyed together.
- Your family needs are different when you are a parent of young children and when you are an airport pee-paw.
- The quote above includes the disclaimer “In addition to extended visits…” The concept of church becoming a hobby that interferes with family time was not lost on whoever prepared the lesson.
- We often task young families with time consuming callings in the church. Is this a good practice?
1) The family is the most important unit in society, in the Church, and in eternity.
Quote:The Church has the responsibility—and the authority—to preserve and protect the family as the foundation of society.
Quote:The world’s councils and deliberations will succeed only when they define the family as the Lord has revealed it to be.
What do these statements mean? How is our energy better spent, in ensuring that the world correctly define what a family is or in ministering to families, regardless of their makeup? Are we to protect families or are we to protect a definition?
Oh, and world councils agree…
😆 That’s a good one. In related news, there would be no disagreements if everyone woke up to the fact that I’m right about everything.:angel: 
[img]http://i.imgur.com/g4n3S0a.png [/img] 2) Parents are partners in the leadership of the home and are under strict obligation to protect and love their children.
[img]http://i.imgur.com/WPKU2bu.png [/img] Harry Cooper protecting his family.Proverbs 22:6 wrote:Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Lehi and Sariah, Adam and Eve, Jacob and Leah and Rachel, Elohim and Eloher, etc. wrote:Cool story bro.
3) Our homes should be places of love, prayer, and gospel teaching.4) A successful parent is one who has loved, sacrificed, cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child.If I were teaching the lesson I would make the entire class about just this one section and ignore all the other stuff in this chapter. I would also include something about being humble enough to learn from our children. I love the section heading, “A successful parent is one who has loved, sacrificed, cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child.”
Quote:… Don’t give up hope for a boy or a girl who has strayed. Many who have appeared to be completely lost have returned. We must be prayerful and, if possible, let our children know of our love and concern. …
With a healthy reminder to all parents out there that not all who wander are lost.
5) Our homes should be holy places where the principles of the gospel can be lived and where the Spirit of the Lord can dwell.nibbler wrote:4) A successful parent is one who has loved, sacrificed, cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child.If I were teaching the lesson I would make the entire class about just this one section and ignore all the other stuff in this chapter. I would also include something about being humble enough to learn from our children. I love the section heading, “A successful parent is one who has loved, sacrificed, cared for, taught, and ministered to the needs of a child.”
Quote:… Don’t give up hope for a boy or a girl who has strayed. Many who have appeared to be completely lost have returned. We must be prayerful and, if possible, let our children know of our love and concern. …
With a healthy reminder to all parents out there that not all who wander are lost.
I totally agree with you on this Nibbler. If I were to teach this lesson (and that is a possibility should I feel so inclined to volunteer) I’d focus on this part. Too often I think we view success as parents as either a very worldly view or a very churchy view. In the worldly view some men (and women) see success as a parent in working to provide many creature comforts for their children, including a very nice home, nice cars (perhaps one for each kid upon his or her 16th birthday or graduation or something), and paid schooling at a top notch private university. This usually comes at the expense of not actually having a relationship with one’s children and we hear things like “quality time as opposed to quantity time.” I would propose that both quantity and quality are important. I also think it’s good for our children to experience want and perhaps unmet even need at times. In the churchy centered success view, we have been successful if our boys are Eagle Scouts and and our girls earn the Young Womanhood Recognition (which really needs a better name), our children serve missions (and this applies to women more than it used to), graduate from BYU, and marry in the temple. Implied in the churchy success is that our children remain active throughout their lives and raise their children with the same measures of success that we did. As a soon to be empty nester, I don’t think either of the above are true measures of success as a parent. A young fairly orthodox parent spoke in SM yesterday about families (theme of the day). I was actually a bit surprised by a comment she made about no families being perfect and that there was no such thing as a perfect family. Both she and her husband grew up in our ward and both have inactive siblings. Like measuring most things, measuring requires some comparison to something else, often a standard of some sort (feet, meters, quarts, liters, etc.). When there isn’t really a standard by which to measure we either invent one or we measure against others. But I don’t think God measures us compared to others, I think he measures us compared to where were are, where we came from, and what we can become. I think we need to measure our own successes,including family successes, the same way.
I am happy that my children are good people who can think and act for themselves.
Here’s a quote from section 4 that goes along with what you’re saying DarkJedi: Quote:… Each of us is unique. Each child is unique. Just as each of us starts at a different point in the race of life, and just as each of us has different strengths and weaknesses and talents, so each child is blessed with his own special set of characteristics. We must not assume that the Lord will judge the success of one in precisely the same way as another. As parents we often assume that, if our child doesn’t become an overachiever in every way, we have failed. We should be careful in our judgments. …
nibbler wrote:Here’s a quote from section 4 that goes along with what you’re saying DarkJedi:
Quote:… Each of us is unique. Each child is unique. Just as each of us starts at a different point in the race of life, and just as each of us has different strengths and weaknesses and talents, so each child is blessed with his own special set of characteristics. We must not assume that the Lord will judge the success of one in precisely the same way as another. As parents we often assume that, if our child doesn’t become an overachiever in every way, we have failed. We should be careful in our judgments. …
Good quote. In my experience we can be guilty of projecting the idea that each of our children must be overachieves, that they must each be Eagle Scouts, class president and valedictorian, play on state championship sports teams, etc. And even though we made a concerted effort to not set such expectations for our children, they didn’t always perceive that, and that is most evident in our youngest son. He did have many successes of his own and did things his siblings did not do, sometimes simply because they didn’t do them. It turns out it was pretty hard to help our children understand that we didn’t expect each of them to be valedictorians, mission APs or 4.0 students at BYU or to live up to anything else another of their siblings did. There is tension even now between our oldest (who is inactive) and her younger brother simply because she perceives that we think he’s better than her (or perhaps more favored) because he served a mission. Granted, some of that comes from him (he can be arrogant and prideful), but nothing could be further from the truth – we don’t favor him and love her for the intelligent, kind and beautiful young woman she is despite her faults. Such sibling rivalries can start very early and are deep seeded, and overcoming those ideas as parents is monumental.
I have been asked to give this lesson in EQ on Sunday. Below is my rough draft of thoughts. Successful parent = preserve and protect the family. We get to be manly men and stand guard at the gate.
1) what is a family? Dictionary.com
a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not:
the traditional family.
b.a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for:
a single-parent family.
We in the church like to promote the nuclear family with a mother and father and children. That is the Ideal that we put forward. However….
Quote:families are not restricted to the traditional
grouping of father, mother, and children. Families in the Church
today also consist of [husbands and wives] without children, single
parents with children, and single individuals living alone
2) No such thing as a perfect family. Scriptures are filled with stories of Holy men and women that had messed up families.
Quote:Our first parents knew the pain and suffering of seeing some of their children
reject the teachings of eternal life. (See Moses 5:27.) Centuries
later Jacob came to know of the jealousy and ill feelings of his
older sons toward his beloved Joseph. (See Gen. 37:1–8.) The great
prophet Alma, who had a son named Alma, prayed at length to the
Lord regarding the rebellious attitude of his son and no doubt was
overwhelmed with concern and worry about the dissension and
the wickedness his son was causing among those who were within
the Church. (See Mosiah 27:14.) Our Father in Heaven has also lost
many of his spirit children to the world; he knows the feelings of
your heart. . . .
No perfect families. If you think that someone’s family is perfect then you must not know them well enough. Sometimes perfection is the enemy of good. Just because a family is not perfect does not mean that good, and love, and support cannot exist there. Story of David and Bathsheba. Messed up family. They had 4 Sons that we know of: Shammua, Shobab, Nathan (It was this son that was the ancestor of the promised Messiah) and Solomon (It was this son that God chose to construct His temple).
3) As parents, we want the best for our children. We want them to be successful. What are some examples of successes that we want for our children? [Make list of worldly success and church related success] It is good and proper that we want such things for our children. However we should be careful at how we might judge our children in their achievements.
Quote:Each of us is unique. Each child is unique. Just as each of us
starts at a different point in the race of life, and just as each of us
has different strengths and weaknesses and talents, so each child
is blessed with his own special set of characteristics. We must not
assume that the Lord will judge the success of one in precisely the
same way as another. As parents we often assume that, if our child
doesn’t become an overachiever in every way, we have failed. We
should be careful in our judgments. . . .
4) Let’s revisit the definition of a successful parent. President Hunter says:
Quote:A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed,
and one who has cared for, taught, and ministered to the
needs of a child.
That is a very inspired statement. If we as parents have loved, sacrificed, cared for, taught, or ministered to the needs of a child then we are successful in our purpose and mission as parents. God’s plan includes sending spirit children to earth. Families are the vehicle (imperfect as they may be) for providing support for these children as they learn and grow. How do we minister to the needs of the children? Families is the answer.
I am not accustomed to teaching. I would appreciate any and all feedback and suggestions that you might have.
Roy wrote:I have been asked to give this lesson in EQ on Sunday. Below is my rough draft of thoughts.
…
We in the church like to promote the nuclear family with a mother and father and children. That is the Ideal that we put forward. However….
I have heard that there are more single adults (i.e. 18+ years old) in the church than married adults. Partially why it does not seem that way is many singles find the church very family focused, or maybe even family obsessed.
Roy — here is some feedback. Roy wrote:I have been asked to give this lesson in EQ on Sunday. Below is my rough draft of thoughts.
Successful parent = preserve and protect the family. We get to be manly men and stand guard at the gate.
1) what is a family? Dictionary.com
Comment: I like how you are defining the family in a way that sidesteps the proclamation. It is inclusive of single parent families, divorced families, etcetera. I would not open this up for discussion, given the fact it will likely degenerate into comments about gays….so starting with a kind of “lecture” style seems appropriate given where you would like to point the discussion in a certain direction, or avoid certain topics.Quote:a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not:
the traditional family.
b.a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for:
a single-parent family.
We in the church like to promote the nuclear family with a mother and father and children. That is the Ideal that we put forward. However….
Quote:families are not restricted to the traditional
grouping of father, mother, and children. Families in the Church
today also consist of [husbands and wives] without children, single
parents with children, and single individuals living alone
2) No such thing as a perfect family. Scriptures are filled with stories of Holy men and women that had messed up families.]
Consider asking the class to come up with examples of these things, and then you do a big reveal at the end with your own litany of examples they missed.Quote:Quote:Our first parents knew the pain and suffering of seeing some of their children
reject the teachings of eternal life. (See Moses 5:27.) Centuries
later Jacob came to know of the jealousy and ill feelings of his
older sons toward his beloved Joseph. (See Gen. 37:1–8.) The great
prophet Alma, who had a son named Alma, prayed at length to the
Lord regarding the rebellious attitude of his son and no doubt was
overwhelmed with concern and worry about the dissension and
the wickedness his son was causing among those who were within
the Church. (See Mosiah 27:14.) Our Father in Heaven has also lost
many of his spirit children to the world; he knows the feelings of
your heart. . . .
No perfect families. If you think that someone’s family is perfect then you must not know them well enough. Sometimes perfection is the enemy of good. Just because a family is not perfect does not mean that good, and love, and support cannot exist there. Story of David and Bathsheba. Messed up family. They had 4 Sons that we know of: Shammua, Shobab, Nathan (It was this son that was the ancestor of the promised Messiah) and Solomon (It was this son that God chose to construct His temple).
3) As parents, we want the best for our children. We want them to be successful. What are some examples of successes that we want for our children? [Make list of worldly success and church related success] It is good and proper that we want such things for our children. However we should be careful at how we might judge our children in their achievements.
Teaching Tip — if you have a white board or black board, put their suggestions into two columns, without headings. Group them into an unlabeled column for the worldly goals, and another for the church-related ones. When they are done, put the headings at the top of each column for “Temporal” and “Church Related”. This is another big reveal that will make the class interesting for people. They will be wondering what the two columns mean as they are participating which increases suspense and interest. Make sure it’s clear it’s two columns with vertical lines separating them to heighten the suspense.Quote:
Quote:Each of us is unique. Each child is unique. Just as each of us
starts at a different point in the race of life, and just as each of us
has different strengths and weaknesses and talents, so each child
is blessed with his own special set of characteristics. We must not
assume that the Lord will judge the success of one in precisely the
same way as another. As parents we often assume that, if our child
doesn’t become an overachiever in every way, we have failed. We
should be careful in our judgments. . . .
4) Let’s revisit the definition of a successful parent. President Hunter says:
Quote:A successful parent is one who has loved, one who has sacrificed,
and one who has cared for, taught, and ministered to the
needs of a child.
That is a very inspired statement. If we as parents have loved, sacrificed, cared for, taught, or ministered to the needs of a child then we are successful in our purpose and mission as parents. God’s plan includes sending spirit children to earth. Families are the vehicle (imperfect as they may be) for providing support for these children as they learn and grow. How do we minister to the needs of the children? Families is the answer.
I would comment how this HWH quote is PROCESS-ORIENTED. Not, OUTCOME-ORIENTED. He didn’t say mission, married in temple, active, full tithe payer, he gave process.Quote:I am not accustomed to teaching. I would appreciate any and all feedback and suggestions that you might have.
Overall, I like the content. I would suggest that you put some time into starting each section but the first one with thought provoking questions so the class can teach itself. See if you can develop additional questions that lead them to a conclusion. Make them rather short and very clear. Think about people in the class who you might call on for specific examples — before the class so you can call on them if it feels right. Have some personal stories to tell that also let them get to know you better, and on a deeper level. People are fascinated by stories that give them a glimpse into your life.
Also, for the last part, see if you can go practical with it — come with a few suggestions about how to with one of of the more interesting things Howard W. Hunter has said typifies a good parent? I know I resented having to pay for BYU for my daughter at first, and then a friend helped me see such sacrifices are part of being a parent. he said “Don’t you feel great you can do this for her???”. I was really surprised but he was right….so open it up for practical discussion about how to do some of the things HWH says good parents do.
I also have a few questions and suggestions.
1. First, how can you put lots of Roy in this in a way that doesn’t come off as contrarion? (if you haven’t already).
2. Is there a way you can weave in some StayLDS principles to use this opportunity as a way of shaping church culture in ways it needs it? For example, I have firsthand experiences of people blaming me that my son refused the priesthood at 12. They said “it depends if prayer, family home evening and family scripture reading is happening”. I pointed out that if they wanted to understand our family culture, look should also look at my daughter who was TBM as it gets and had a good reputation in the ward and church. At BYU, desires for temple marriage, etcetera.
My point is that people can be very judgmental toward parents whose kids don’t follow the textbook. Is there some way you could address this judmentalism if you like the anti-judgmental concept? Or some other StayLDS concept?
I would also consider putting in some practical knowledge about parenting that they have never heard before. I find this is what really elevates the perceived value of my lessons. For example, perhaps comment on the different parenting styles — lassez-faire, democratic, authoritative, and authoritarian. If you have some time, unearth some practical advice about when to use each style of parenting. one study showed that authoritative parents work well in a lot of situations — they are not dictators, but they have strong expectations about what people should and should not do, and tend to get compliance without the negatives of authorarianism.
There is a book I just finished reading Raising Confidence Kids, 10 ways to foster self esteem and avoid typical parenting mistakes. It focuses on two types of parenting mindsets — the growth mindset and the fixed mindset. Growth mindset parents focus on how the child has learned, put in effort, and otherwise demonstrated good qualities as they have tried, failed, or succeeded. The avoid fixed labels of judgments such as “you are good at this, you are not good at that, your X wasn’t very good”. They focus on the effort the kid put into it, asking the child why they are proud of what they did. Perhaps even have a simple one paragraph case where a kid has screwed up something, and then ask the parents how they might respond. THEN reveal the growth and fixed mindset, and how growth mindsets tend to produce higher levels of self-esteem, confident kids and better results than the fixed mindset parenting. Amazon has it on Kindle. Consider putting people in small groups to discuss the little case, or have multiple cases and then open it up for sharing about what came out of their group.
Anyway, I don’t expect you to necessarily use the suggested content above, I give it as examples of how adding practical advice to the lesson is something that people seem to value. Concepts are great, but often we leave in bewilderment about what to do…
You got to preparing early, which is something that seems to make a big difference.
I just got called into Primary, and I was in the YW for many years before that, so I haven’t been to a Relief Society lesson in ages. (This is probably a good thing.) So I hear about the 3rd hour lessons secondhand from my husband. It’s always interesting to hear what my husband thinks I would find interesting from these lessons (he is sometimes understanding of my heterodoxy, and sometimes antagonistic towards it – often both within the same conversation). He says that the Elders Quorum talked a lot about presiding/equal partnership – no surprise there. He said that it was emphasized that presiding does NOT mean being in charge. Of course, while we have a good understanding of what presiding is NOT, we don’t have a good understanding of what it IS. For example, the man who presides in sacrament meeting gets to take the sacrament first. Does this mean that in our home, the rest of us should wait to eat our dinner until the husband/father has taken the first bite? And, do you have to hold the priesthood in order to preside in your home? Well, yes and no – my husband’s presiding in our family is a function of his priesthood, but if he were to die suddenly, I would be the presider even after our son turns twelve and is ordained a deacon. So, a priesthood holder presides, but you don’t have to hold the priesthood to preside – rather, there seems to be some sort of presiding authority which would be turned over to me the moment my husband took his last breath, but not before. (Not really sure how it works in the case of a divorce.)
My husband also read me this paragraph (emphasis mine):
Quote:A man who holds the priesthood accepts his wife as a partner in the leadership of the home and family with full knowledge of and full participation in all decisions relating thereto.
Of necessitythere must be in the Church and in the home a presiding officer (see D&C 107:21). By divine appointment, the responsibility to preside in the home rests upon the priesthood holder (see Moses 4:22). The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership. Presiding in righteousness necessitates a shared responsibility between husband and wife; together you act with knowledge and participation in all family matters. For a man to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of his wife in governing the family is to exercise unrighteous dominion.13 That’s an idea that I’ve heard lots of times before: that the man presides in the home (unless he’s dead) because
someonehas to preside. To what does President Hunter ascribe this necessity?That’s unclear. The scripture Hunter references in the D&C explains that it is necessary to have a single person presiding in a priesthood quorum– it doesn’t say anything about families. Extrapolating that God wants families to be run the way He wants priesthood quorums to be run seems like faulty logic. (I can think of a lot of differences between a family and a PH quorum. For one thing, my husband and I have sex. 😈 ) If the family is the basic fundamental unit of the church, the cells which make up the organism, then why should family structure be based on priesthood quorum structureand not the other way around?This is definitely one of those lessons that raises a lot more questions than it answers.
In my notes for this lesson I had something about how I thought it was strange that the lesson referenced Moses 4:22: Quote:Unto the woman, I, the Lord God, said: I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception. In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children, and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
And the very next sentence in the manual is:
Quote:The Lord intended that the wife be a helpmeet for man (meet means equal)—that is, a companion equal and necessary in full partnership.
:crazy: LookingHard wrote:Roy wrote:I have been asked to give this lesson in EQ on Sunday. Below is my rough draft of thoughts.
…
We in the church like to promote the nuclear family with a mother and father and children. That is the Ideal that we put forward. However….
I have heard that there are more single adults (i.e. 18+ years old) in the church than married adults. Partially why it does not seem that way is many singles find the church very family focused, or maybe even family obsessed.
The stats that I had found said that roughly 1/3rd of active LDS adults are single. Those stats were from 1992 and may have changed.
Roy wrote:LookingHard wrote:Roy wrote:I have been asked to give this lesson in EQ on Sunday. Below is my rough draft of thoughts.
…
We in the church like to promote the nuclear family with a mother and father and children. That is the Ideal that we put forward. However….
I have heard that there are more single adults (i.e. 18+ years old) in the church than married adults. Partially why it does not seem that way is many singles find the church very family focused, or maybe even family obsessed.
The stats that I had found said that roughly 1/3rd of active LDS adults are single. Those stats were from 1992 and may have changed.
http://eom.byu.edu/index.php/Single_Adults
Thanks for looking that up. What (I think) I heard that it was active and inactive. But I can’t seem to find the reference.Thank you SD for your great suggestions. I felt pretty nervous for this lesson. I was sidestepping major portions of the lesson from the manual. Anyone that had read the lesson might wonder if I had read an entirely different one. I basically cut out 4 statements that I liked and ignored the rest. It went well though. Nobody called me out.
SilentDawning wrote:Consider asking the class to come up with examples of these [messed up families], and then you do a big reveal at the end with your own litany of examples they missed.
Thank you for this suggestion. It was actually the best part of the lesson. Everyone really seemed to enjoy naming examples of messed up family situations from the scriptures.
Quote:Teaching Tip — if you have a white board or black board, put their suggestions into two columns, without headings. Group them into an unlabeled column for the worldly goals, and another for the church-related ones. When they are done, put the headings at the top of each column for “Temporal” and “Church Related”. This is another big reveal that will make the class interesting for people. They will be wondering what the two columns mean as they are participating which increases suspense and interest. Make sure it’s clear it’s two columns with vertical lines separating them to heighten the suspense.
This part did not go quite as well. I threw a couple of suggestions up on the board myself. Another brother mentioned temple worthiness. I was still able to make my point about to be careful how we judge our children. For example, if our son does not serve a mission me might inadvertently drive him from the church by making him feel that he no longer “belongs”. So it went ok, It just wasn’t as enthusiastic as the other area.
Quote:I would comment how this HWH quote is PROCESS-ORIENTED.
I used this and it was a helpful way to frame it. Our success is in rearing children – not in having them necessarily follow the life plan that we might have set out for them. The focus is on process and not on result.
Thanks for the help!
nibbler wrote:And the very next sentence in the manual is:
I noticed a few of these paradoxical stances.
The manual said that the world councils must accept the definition of the family that the Lord has put forth but then later it says:
Quote:families are not restricted to the traditional
grouping of father, mother, and children. Families in the Church
today also consist of [husbands and wives] without children, single
parents with children, and single individuals living alone
So this leaves open the question – what exactly is the definition that the Lord gave to us for family?
I also thought the following was weird:
Quote:The priesthood cannot work out its destiny, nor can God’s
purposes be fulfilled, without our helpmates. Mothers perform a
labor the priesthood cannot do. For this gift of life, the priesthood
should have love unbounded for the mothers of their children.
[Brethren,] honor your wife’s unique and divinely appointed role
as a mother in Israel and her special capacity to bear and nurture
children.
First off, He seems to be using the term priesthood to refer to the men in the church. This is something that is no longer politically correct in the church. Second, he seems to be saying that we need women because we need their uteruses in order to propagate the species. It is just unsettling to me that the “unique and divinely appointed role”, indeed the “special capacity” of women is directly related to producing children.
Where does this leave women that cannot conceive?
Isn’t there a better way to instruct the men of the church to love, honor, and respect their wives?
I do not believe that there were any bad intentions – just that the heartfelt advice from HWH is not fully appropriate for our own time and place.
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