Dear well-meaning Elders.

Had the Elders stop by last night. Found myself writing them a letter I’d never send, but I have to share it with someone, and y’all have always been such an open group, I hope you’d listen and perhaps relate in how I feel.

Dear well-meaning Elders at my door,

Thanks for stopping by last night, despite my rather cold reception, I genuinely enjoyed the visit with you and our fellow ward member that I have never met. Believe it or not, I miss the fellowship of the saints terribly, and it’s always good to be able to sit down with a member of my long lost tribe and have a chat. You aren’t the first to stop by our door in the past 3 years, and I doubt you’ll be the last. Yet, you are the first that I find myself writing a letter to after our visit.

Dear Elders, I know you two very well, though I only met you last night. You see, I have been in your shoes as a missionary years ago. I know what it’s like to get up early, to read scriptures, say companionship prayer and ask to be led to those who need our message. I know what I feels to know the church is true without a doubt. I know how amazing it feels to have that security and direction in life. To have things be so crystal clear and wonder why everyone else doesn’t get it. I too have had long hard days being turned down. I too have watched people embrace the gospel and feel a bond with them that is really like no other. I too have sacrificed all for the Lord to serve Him for months on end and feel like it was worth the heartache, loneliness, fatigue and financial sacrifice. I have been the one knocking at the door of an inactive family’s house with love in my heart for them and the single hope that they would return to church. I too have boldly read them scriptures trying to help them find their way back and then invited them to church the following Sunday. But, Dear Elders, you have never been in my shoes before.

You have never given years of your life to a cause that you loved above all else only to stumble into information one day and see that it wasn’t all it said it was. You have never kept going to church for three years after that fact hoping that somehow it really was just some fabricated “anti-mormon” literature you had read and that soon the church you loved would clarify it all for you. You didn’t spend three years surrounded by the wonderful members of the church that you knew and loved who knew nothing of what you knew. You didn’t keep quiet all the times that they bore strong witness of things they didn’t know the whole story on because you envied their naivety and didn’t want to place them in the same hell that you were now in by sharing the truth. You didn’t tell them how much they hurt you each time one of them simplified why someone “fell away” from the church and judged them for not being strong enough. You haven’t read the “anti-mormon” material verified on lds.org buried deep so that no unintended “faithful” eyes could see it. You didn’t see it confirm all that you feared might be true, yet try to brush it away as nothing, and never once apologize for the lack of transparency.

You didn’t have to make the choice that I have made. To stay in a church that I loved and would give all for knowing it wasn’t true. You didn’t have to leave what was precious to you above all else because you couldn’t perpetuate the lies to your children. That you couldn’t handle the pain of singing them the beloved primary songs that used to bring such comfort and peace but now only made you sick to your stomach or so angry you wanted to punch someone. You had to leave because you could no longer distinguish between God Himself and the church, and you found your very belief in Him slipping away. You haven’t tried to start anew at a new church only to realize you will never fit in anywhere else because you are LDS at heart even if it really isn’t true. The culture will always run thick in your veins.

You haven’t had to let go of your dreams of your kids getting baptized, married in the temple, going to girls camp, young women’s and young men’s and institute and face their questions about God, church, and life itself without the framework that you’ve had your whole life to guide you. You haven’t had to humbly admit to your child that you don’t know all the answers about God except that you know He is there, that He loves you, and that He will guide you when you ask Him. You haven’t had to sob to the Lord that you are sorry, that you didn’t mean for any of this to happen, and ask Him what to do. And you haven’t had Him come to you in peace, and let you know that you are His whether you are LDS or not. You haven’t had to take off your garments and replace them with Hanes, sobbing as you did so, yet somehow still feeling loved and directed. You haven’t had to break your parent’s heart telling them that you are not going to church anymore, and that you aren’t going back. Knowing that your relationship with two people who you love so much and who have never been anything but good to you will never ever be as sweet.

You never have had missionaries show up at your door with love in their hearts for you and the single hope that you would return to church. And you’ve never had them read Enos to you and tell you how the Lord wants you to repent from whatever sin is keeping you from coming to church and come back. Repent and come back…. Dear Elders, I used to think as you do that the only way anyone could walk away from the church was because they had “fallen away” or sinned in some way or another. How else could people not see the simple beauty of the gospel? Dear Elders, please keep in mind that some people don’t “fall away.” Some people stumble upon the contradictory truth that our church is and choose with heavy heart to leave because of their own integrity.

I have no hard feelings toward either of you. You are young and doing exactly what you are supposed to do as missionaries. Believe it or not, I love you for it, because it shows that you are great ones who really see things crystal clearly right now, and it is a feeling I wouldn’t take from anyone. But please be gentle when you approach an “inactive” member. Don’t assume they have done something wrong. Don’t assume that they hate the church. Don’t assume you have all the answers in that little preach my gospel book that I loved so much. Do this, and you will be a better missionary and have more success, which is what I truly wish for each of you.