Finding my Truth — Staying LDS

After reading so many variations on the theme of how members “learned it isn’t true” I wanted to share my perspective. I am approaching the 10 year anniversary of when my “shelf broke” it was a devastating experience of my personal house of faith burning to the ground, leaving nothing but ashes. In that moment I had no confidence that I could ever believe in God again.

It didn’t take long however, for me to realize I could rebuild. I sorted through the ashes and found a few items that were not completely destroyed. I found a granite beam that I realized would become the central support for my new structure, it had demonstrated its indestructibility and capacity to bear the full weight. It is central to many teachings in our church, and is voiced in prominent quotes and scriptures. It is Love.

But what about God? Can I believe in an anthropomorphic figure/being that is fully “in control”? Maybe that question is simply biting off more than I can chew. Can I define God in any way that makes sense to me? “God” can be a loaded term, religions have established expectations that are enormous and so intricately detailed that they impose huge demands on the faith of followers. With time I started to hear critics differently. The simple “I can’t believe in God” became “I can’t accept your definition/expectations about God.” I wanted the question to change. I saw “Do you believe in God?” as utterly useless and a waste of breath. The productive question is “WHAT do you believe about God?” From that point I could determine what I did and did not believe. The Bible says “God is Love”, I know I believe in love, maybe that’s a start. I built on the declaration that whatever originated love and life would be God to me. I didn’t care if it made sense to anyone or not. It didn’t make any difference if I was talking about a being, a force, or something else that can’t be known. I wanted to find common ground with the believers around me while remaining true to myself, and this was my start.

That was the “breaking ground” of my reconstruction process.

With more time spent searching and observing I saw many members of the church that believe in ways I had never imagined before. Books and essays greatly expanded my views. I realized not everyone hangs onto the strictly literal meanings as I had. The diversity of ideas and belief in the church covers more territory than I ever would have guessed. “The church isn’t true” became an inaccurate statement for me. “The church isn’t what I thought it was” conveys the truth of my personal experience. My expectations were unrealistic, I held mortals to an impossible standard and of course they buckled under the pressure. I felt the impulse to immediately lay blame: “who taught me to believe like this?!” But with time saw the fruitlessness of finger pointing. The way to heal was to acknowledge my personal faith structure, it’s fatal flaws, and then rebuild turning the weaknesses into strengths.

Certainty became a burden. I heard Edward Kimball use those words “certainty is a burden to me” and immediately latched on. I see this life as a time to learn, when our minds are made up we have locked out any further knowledge. I had learned that the church could not bear the weight of my initial expectations, I must also allow for error in the other side of the coin: “The church isn’t true” poses a certainty that is too heavy to shoulder. It also makes broad assumptions on the definition of “true.”

I can hear the complaints in my head: “Now you’re just being wishy-washy, call a spade a spade! I understand the frustration and emotion of that complaint. I have been there. The reality is when we travel further down the road of life we can see the error of jumping from one paradigm of certainty to another. If we are open to the full range of truth that life can reveal we must acknowledge that everything comes from multiple ingredients. There is good and bad in everyone, pros and cons to everything. Any system of belief will have strengths and weaknesses. I hear an argument against “exclusive truth” but many that speak in behalf of the church will declare the church never claimed to have a corner on truth. Yes, I had an unsustainable image of the church in my head that failed, but today I don’t see “false” or “not true” as accurate statements. The church is what it is, my neighbor is who he is. I can look for and try to magnify the bad (and yes I do think we need to speak frankly in church about both the good and bad) in anything or anyone, but that action will mostly hurt me.

How do we move forward?

There are quotes from JS and BY that say as Mormons we are free to accept all truth, no matter the source. The terrifying thing about Mormonism is that with continuing revelation anything can change; but the wonderful thing about Mormonism is that anything can change! We are not locked into some ancient creeds, we can adapt to truths as they are revealed. This is what keeps me excited (and frustrated!) about the church. Even in the last several years I see signs of change. I hear more people in Sunday school talking about troubling elements of our history. The awareness of issues is growing. Books from the Givens’ and Patrick Mason and the work of others is becoming more widely known. We are being prepared to accept “greater truths.” I see a focus on Love building. I have hope.

I obviously don’t agree with every comment made in church, I would be surprised if anyone did. Thankfully my church teaches me I need to study it out in my own mind and listen to the spirit as I search for truth. This is what I do, and I am thankful to have a church family that will challenge me and test me every week. They will help me grow. They help me find my truth. This is why I am LDS.