A Farewell & Thank You

I believe that it’s been over 2 years since I joined this site, although I was a lurker for much, much longer. It provided me a soft place to land when I felt like the ground had dropped out from under me. I really cannot thank everyone here enough. Thank you to everyone who posts, and especially Ray, who’ve I’ve watched be a guardian for keeping this place civil and respectful and a welcoming home to people in the midst of a faith crisis without letting it turn into an anti-Church site. I see now that for the past five years I’ve been going through the stages of mourning: denial, anger, etc. Although I wasn’t a frequent poster, StayLDS played host to some of my most dramatic moments. Even though most people in my personal life would consider me a calm and rational person, this site was one of the few places where I could let out all of my emotions. It provided me comfort when I was in tears over the reality of my situation. All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you. I was a young girl working on her degree and feeling like her foundation and even identity had been crushed. This place provided me some comfort during all of that.

I think a while ago I mentioned on here that I believed I was on my way out of the Church. Now I’m even further along in my “acceptance” phase of mourning. Nothing will ever change the peace, joy, and purpose the Church gave me in my life. So much of who I am is influenced by Mormonism. So much of it is a part of who I am. So much of me still likes so many aspects of this faith and that’s why I sometimes get frustrated with the parts that no longer resonate with me. But part of me will always feel at home in the LDS faith. I’m grateful for the wonderful experiences I had and the peace my beliefs in the church once gave to me. I’m grateful for the community and shared values I had with others. In many ways, I truly had a remarkable experience. But after years of mourning, and deliberating questions and options, and allowing myself to take it slow, I understand myself enough to know I need to exit the chapel. I don’t want to be a card-carrying member of the “Mormon club” anymore. Maybe one day I’ll come back–to visit or even stay. But not now.

This time of the year is emotional for me. Even being in a good place–being content and accepting where I’m at—conference spurs up a lot of emotions in me because it taps into many of the reasons I feel I need to say goodbye to something that once brought me so much joy, and has influenced so much of who I am, and is so sacred to so many people I respect and love, but I no longer want to be apart of. I suppose that’s why I’m here. I listened to a bit of conference today. Forgive me, I can’t remember which general authority it was, but I rather enjoyed a talk that encouraged members to stay in the church. It wasn’t that I personally am heeding the message, but I liked its tone and it gave me hope for future members who struggle. Perhaps they can find a friendlier community while they sort out their own questions and don’t feel the shame I once did. In one part, the speaker talked about staying on the path. It was an interesting analogy for me. I imagine myself following along ‘the Path” of the Church—enjoying it and loving it and feeling so much connection to the people who journeyed with me. But for years now I have realized that this is no longer the path for me. I am not being lazy. I’m not being selfish. But I can’t say I *know* that I should leave the way I used to think I *knew* I should continue on the path. But something inside me–my heart and mind—feels I need to breakaway. Maybe I am being “led away.” But for my own spiritual health, staying on this path is not an option for me anymore. Neither are some of the other enticing ones I see off in the distance—it’s time for me to make my own path, one that will take me through scenery and new destinations which will no doubt change me even more. But what I like most about my path is that I can still come back and say hello to some people I’ll leave behind. I won’t be walking the same path with them but I’ll be there to listen and cheer them on.

I don’t know if I’ll come back to post. Maybe I’ll surprise myself and will. I might continue to lurk. But I think it’s fitting after graduating and moving into a new profession, and a new religious identity that “University” is clocking out. Thanks again to everyone. I wish you all peace and fortune in your own journeys.