Having Trouble Processing This

SD, you have really analyzed your situation well.

For example, you said…

One of my triggers for a commitment crisis happened many, many years ago. It was extreme and heart-wrenching, and it HURT my spirit and my psychology. Real pain ensued.

My first reaction in a situation like this is anger. That leads to feelings of depression.

You then said…

At that moment, I had this overwhelming feeling I should go upstairs and pray alone. When people talk about feeling “moved” to do something, that was it. I was still in control of my body, but it was like an inertial tug to go upstairs and pray. And it was very strong. It was like I had to and should — out of the blue. When I knelt down, I remember saying in not-so-nice terms to God… “OK, You brought me here, what do You have to say to me????”.

I now believe that God wants us to communicate with Him even when upset, emotional, angry, etc. In a situation like this, all the formulas we were taught are gone & real communication begins.

You then said:

At that point I was filled with that spiritual emotion people have talked about here. And at the same time, there were strong mental impulses indicating that I should not quit, that I could do a lot of good. And I had this feeling that the hurtful thing that happened was not supposed to have happened. Or at least, that God himself was apologizing for people in his church. This lasted for some time, these waves and they made an indelible impression on me. And afterwards I felt cleansed inside and that I had been given a Divine apology.

This suggests a transition. Regardless of full activity or not, there is still work that needs to be done. Attendance at sacrament meeting, etc doesn’t always help with this transition. In some cases, it makes the situation worse.

In summary, it is my belief that:

1. the transition through a FC usually takes time. It isn’t the same for everyone.

2. talking to other people & talking to God, helps us get through the process of becoming whole.

3. becoming whole doesn’t necessarily mean the same as we were. In most cases, I believe that we are different. Hopefully, “new & improved” with new empathy for others who will go through similar

situations. (how’s that for cliches?)

I still have problems praying on a personal level since my FC.

Anyone have any thoughts how my current commitment (scaled back) can be reconciled with what I felt when I was “moved”??

I don’t know what to think now of the story I’m going to relate because my concept of God has gotten so close to deism. But I’ll tell it in the hope that it was somehow divine communication, and that it might help.

Years ago, I started taking a drug that miraculously beat restless legs syndrome. I could finally sleep normally! Unfortunately, to maintain its effects, I had to occasionally increase the dose.

Turns out this drug robs some people of self-control at high enough doses. The drug is Mirapex, which is also used to treat Parkinson’s. If you know anyone with Parkinson’s who has inexplicably developed new and exciting addictions, Mirapex (or Requip, or another dopamine agonist) may be the cause.

I stayed up late a lot. I ate a lot. I was always late for meetings. I gradually lost every good habit I had developed over 30-something years. Impulse control problems degraded my relationships, especially with my children. Sleep apnea added depression to the mix. Possibly the worst part of it all was that it honestly felt like I was choosing to act this way.

When I finally fingered the real culprit, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to discuss alternatives. I started, with difficulty, weaning off Mirapex. I prayed a lot for help while I waited to see the doctor.

Once, these prayers got really… raw. “I want my f—ing self-control back!” I shouted… while driving to the temple… (Yes, I fully realize all the ironies present in this situation.) If there was anything at all I could expect help with, surely it would be my God-given ability to choose. Once I calmed down, I started taking inventory: what had I managed to improve that week? Well, nothing much was different. I did manage to read the scriptures two days in a row. As soon as I thought that, another thought, seemingly from an outside source, accompanied by peace, entered my mind: “That was enough.”

I guess I have two points to make.

First, the God I worshipped was big enough to absorb a little disrespect. Yours even has the balls to apologize when his one-size-fits-all plan gets hijacked and turned against you. These Gods are worthy of worship. One that withdraws when one of his children lashes out at him in pain wouldn’t be. One that fails to acknowledge the source of such pain wouldn’t be.

Second, the God I worshipped was much more patient with my weakness than I was. I wonder if yours is the same.

Do you feel like there is a distinction between expectations that the church has of you, expectations that god has of you, and expectations you have of yourself?

I’m thinking: Mother Teresa. Committed to god, completely inactive by every measure of the LDS church.

Definite difference between church expectations and Godly expectations. I see church expectations as expectations of men. They have their needs and goals in their callings, and they see me as a means of achieving those goals. Just the way they ask me to serve at times such as “I need an executive secretary”. And how they ask me to do things that will not utilize my strengths or help me grow personally. Everything the church wants is up for scrutiny in my view and I rarely ever see it as an expression of God’s will any longer.

I rememvber one SP member chastised the entire priesthood leadership for asking to be released from PH leadership callings — no thought whatsoever about the needs of the brethren he was leading. And then, there are their personal political interests, and their reputational issues with the people to whom THEY report. They will put those first, above other things on their to do list. Not often, but I have seen this at least twice in my years in the church.

Expectations God has of me? I don’t know. I never ask anymore. I look at what I would LIKE to do with my time, and I do that. I look at what I am passionate about, and do that. I guess when we conflate God’s wishes with the Church leaders’ wishes, and the Church leaders wishes no longer occupy the seat of power in our lives, there is a tendency to look to other sources for guidance. I looked to my inner desires to serve others in ways that were impactful and helped me progress personally. And that has been very fruitful.

Expectations of myself are to live a good life. To leave the planet knowing that I have served others, and grown personally in the process. Growing personally is VERY important to me. To the point I would be loathe to accept any calling that has me working in my weaknesses at something I don’t want to be good at. Like Ward clerk.

Thanks for the questions…I think part of me doesn’t trust the spiritual emotion any more. The situation that hurt me was something I entered into after I felt God told me to enter into it. It was that warm spiritual feeling. It was something I didn’t want to do. But I changed my heart and went into it willingly. And then good, TR holding members pulled the rug out from under me in a very harsh manner.

It made me question those spiritual feelings. It seems awful cruel of God to lead you into a certain high commitment path spiritually, and then when you are on the cusp of realizing the goal, to allow life to hurt you badly. It destroys trust. Sure, people point to Job’s tale, but that is not very inspiring to me.

Not that I am angry any more at God, but these “spiritual emotions” are for me, just one input into the decision to do X or Y. They are not the whole thing, and my own personal judgment is weighted very heavily.

As soon as I thought that, another thought, seemingly from an outside source, accompanied by peace, entered my mind: “That was enough.”

I am not sure how the “That was enough” phrase relates to your point. Could you clarify that?

Ah, I left out something important. I had turned the car around after determining that shouting F-bombs at God probably indicated I wasn’t in a state of mind compatible with temple worship. I was taking inventory for the past week because I was worried about my standing before God. I took “that was enough” to mean that two days in a row reading scriptures was enough of a demonstration of intent. It was all I could do, so I was acceptable.

FWIW, I’m happier now not worrying about my standing before God all the time.

Was that your own thought “That was enough” or do you think that was God putting that into your mind?

At the time, I was sure it was God.

Now I would like to believe it was, but I have a hard time accepting a God who motivates and cleanses but never enables.