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I have never felt comfort or God’s presence in the temple. Even when I was at my most believing state, I just did it because it is portrayed as one if not THE most important aspect of our church. Stress is the main feeling I get when I attend. I haven’t been in about 6 months. I have been fighting as hard as I can for the past few years to have a good attitude about being a member even though everything is screaming at me that this is causing my depression and anxiety issues to escalate. I have definitely found a correlation between the amount of effort I put into church and the amount of depression and anxiety I feel.
However, my husband is very active and wants to increase his activity and dedication to church. He wants to start going to the temple regularly starting in a couple of weeks. Whatever stressful feelings I had before about attending have now increased 10-fold. I really, really don’t want to go. However, I do want to do something kind for him instead of always being the thorn in his side when it comes to LDS matters. I am so dreading this and I don’t know if I can do it regularly. Does anyone have any advice they can give me to help me have a better attitude about it? The temple feels so cold and impersonal to me. I have never felt God’s love there. I have even tried to manufacture spiritual feelings there to no avail. How do I balance wanting to make my husband happy vs wanting to keep my mental health in tact?
I am so lost right now.
Does every ceremony feel cold and impersonal? Maybe you could just do initiatories, baptisms for the dead or temple sealings with your husband? I know personally I have a hard time ever enjoying the endowment anymore, but I do love the initiatory, and it helps that it’s so short
Thanks, Always Thinking. That is a really good idea. We have family names that need to have initiatories, baptisms and sealings done. I still don’t feel any type of spirituality doing them but at least they don’t cause the overwhelming fear. Maybe, I could suggest we do some of those next time we visit. Since we are doing family names, though, there are also many that need the endowments done. I might be a able to put it off for a couple of visits but not for long. The fact that I am working on my own family names and I still don’t want to do it makes me feel like even more of a crappy person. Who doesn’t want to help their family get saving ordinances done? I remember doing the initiatories for my grandmas and the temple worker said she couldn’t believe I wasn’t crying because she would be. Yep, I felt nothing.
If it helps to have a different perspective on temple ceremonies, the covenants in the endowment can be completely divorced from the Church and seen only in context of the gospel itself. With the exception of the women’s version of the law of obedience, the covenants involved, sacrificing and dedicating our life to God, doing our best to serve our fellow man, etc, are all natural extensions of Christ’s Gospel. It helps to remember that Zion is not the Church. So when we covenant to “consecrate ourselves, our time, talents, and everything with which the Lord has blessed us, … for the building up of the Kingdom of God on the earth and for the establishment of Zion,” ultimately, we’re covenanting to consecrate ourselves to building a loving society, which can be done outside of the Church just as well as inside. So long as what we do in the Church contributes to this goal, doing those things is in fulfillment of the covenant, but if it makes no such contribution, then whether or not we do it has no relation to the law of consecration. TLDR; If it helps, from the right perspective, the covenants in the temple don’t tie us to the Church at all, but do tie us closer to God and our neighbor.
Thanks ydeve for a different perspective on what I am actually covenanting to do. It is interesting that you bring that up because last time I was there and it got to that part in the endowment, I felt like I was lying when I agreed. I don’t know if I am being dishonest when I am agreeing to something that I am not sure if I believe in. But it does help to think about it in broad terms and that as long as I am agreeing to be a follower of Christ and trying my hardest to build up his gospel than I am okay. I just wish they just say that, though. Why does everything have to be about being loyal to the LDS Church? Ugh. As has been said, if you can look at it differently, it might help. I see it as a narrative, interactive play about life – and it helps tremendously that I don’t see ANY of it literal or dictated by God. It all is figurative and symbolic – and it has changed SO much over time that I have no problem hoping and believing it will continue to do so and, eventually, be stripped of the things that still bug me. (the sexist elements)
Finally, I like to focus on something that is theological in nature and is over-looked or not understood by most members:
There literally is NO way to “fail” the endowment, no matter what you believe or don’t believe, as long as you are there. You can disagree with all of it but go for other reasons – and forget everything you are supposed to do and say – or even make multiple mistakes along the way – and, at the end, you still will leave mortality (pass through the veil) and enter the presence of the Lord. All you have to do is “endure to the end”. No exceptions. There is someone with you, always, to make sure that happens – and the ONLY thing you have to do is show up and participate.
All of that is a powerful, simple theological statement that, for me, overrides any concern about it being literal or man-made or flawed or sexist or anything else. Interestingly, I enjoy being a temple worker specifically because I like helping people – especially helping them do things that mean a lot to them, but also helping those who are there despite it not meaning a lot to them. Not taking it literally can be a tremendous service to your husband, in this case, and that is a good thing, as long as you are able to let go of the overwhelming stress you are feeling currently.
So, my advice: Go with and for him, realize it is not literal, and use it as a time to take a two hour break from real life. Ignore the presentation, except where you need to do something, and simply meditate on life and/or relax and commune with God. The play will continue no matter how involved you are – and that is just fine.
As for the loyalty aspect, the actual wording is BOTH to the building up of the Kingdom of God in Earth AND the establishment of Zion. Technically, according to the wording, there is no promise to the Church if those two things are not being done. In other words, if you are willing to do those two things (however you define them) within you association with the Church, you aren’t promising to give anything that you believe doesn’t advance those two goals. Cleaning the building? Not necessarily included. Accepting any particular calling? Not necessarily included. You are the only one who can decide what is included and not – and you don’t promise to go beyond that, again based on the actual wording (even if most members and leaders don’t see it that way and even if that wasn’t the original intent of the wording).
I went to a buddhist temple a few times…listened to the stillness, took deep breaths and relaxed and let my mind be calm. Scripture comes to mind
Quote:Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God
When I went back to the LDS temple…I realized that I enjoy that quietness. So regardless of the other temple stuff going on, I just take moments to be still and think about things.
The temple can be a safe place where people will help if your robe is not on right, they will wait if it takes you a little while, they will whisper help if you forget words…and there are multiple places to close your eyes and rest, perhaps even contemplate why some things seem to cause anxiety.
Overall…I feel like we are all OK in the temple. The worries and stresses of the world are outside. Inside the temple, we are all in white, all equal, all there to be good in heart, all there to serve, all there to find God and listen. It can become a refuge from anxiety. Similar to a buddhist temple…regardless of the buddhist teachings…the temple itself is a calm, quiet place.
My advice…as much as possible…accept that many things about the church and temple cause you unrest. But these visits to the temple can be separated out from some things…and it can be just a time to ease your mind and accept yourself as you are. Feel God accepts you, with all your doubts, fears, anxieties, and worries. It is OK to have those. And God is OK with you being in the temple with all that is you. The whole package. Just as you are. You don’t need to be different or look at things like your husband or others to be in God’s presence. God is greater than that. He loves and accepts you as you are. And he wants you to have peace. Exhale. Listen to the thoughts going around your head…observe them, don’t fight them or fix them…just recognize them and say “It is ok.”
Be Still, and know that God is there.
kate5, My advice is to have this conversation with your husband.
I think it is very important to live true to yourself. If you go because your husband thinks you like it, then you are building an unsustainable relationship (IMO). I have a believing, temple-attending spouse. I do everything I can to support her. When she goes to the Temple, I don’t complain; on the contrary, I support her. If she hasn’t been for awhile, I offer that maybe she’d like to go. But I myself haven’t been since Jar Jar was still just a twinkle in George Lucas’ eye and the Macarena was burning up the airwaves. I work hard to support her faith because it was our faith, and I’m the one who changed, but at the same time, I can’t live a false identity.
If you do choose to go, go because you want to, not because you feel stuck… feeling trapped is exactly the kind of catalyst that increases depression (I speak from my own experience). If you can find a way to look at the temple differently and you can feel closer to God by going, then great… if you just can’t then going through the motions is counter-productive. One aspect of the Church and Temple that causes a great deal of angst among the disaffected is being told what to do, how to dress, how to behave. If you go because of someone else, then those feelings will be heightened. If you go because of yourself, you won’t even notice those things.
I will say that as I look back on my prior belief, the Temple is one of the things I miss the most. I go to open houses every chance I get, even traveling from out-of-state.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you and your husband peace.
Good advice from others so far. Personally, I prefer the initiatory A LOT to the endowment. I could never go through another endowment again and be perfectly OK with that. I’m also not a fan of the sealing. I would just add that you can support him going without having to accompany him. His goals don’t have to be the same as yours. What’s healthy for him may not work for you. I think you can opt out if that’s your choice just by saying your glad he’s going and likes it and that it works for him, and you support him, but it’s not your jam or right now it’s not where you are focused. It should be OK in marriage to have different preferences. Not everything works equally for everyone. Have you been to the initiatory since they made the latest changes – both to the ordinance itself and to the way you dress? It is a LOT more comfortable for a lot of people now.
hawkgrrrl wrote:Not everything works equally for everyone.
Amen. And we can still find unity while embracing differences, still share the same vision and goals while allowing complimentary paths in getting there.
Perhaps easier said than done, however. But there is a way to figure it out.
Ray, I really appreciate the advice to not take it so literally. I take everything literally which is probably a main reason why this church gives me so much anxiety. I like the idea of trying to just remember that I can’t fail. I spend the whole time stressing over everything I am covenanting to and remembering words, actions, etc. I really stress over being the spectacle that everyone looks at because I can’t seem to get it right at 40 something years old 
Heber13, thanks for the encouragement to try to focus on God and be still. As I said to Ray, I stress about making a spectacle of myself (which I have done before) and it sometimes it seems more chaotic than peaceful but you are right, I need to focus on the peaceful times more.
On Own Now, everything you said is exactly right but I really don’t have another choice without causing contention. My husband does know about my feelings towards church. He saw first hand the very dark place that I was in because of one of my previous callings. We don’t talk about it much though, because it causes a lot of hurt to him. And while going to the temple gives me anxiety, having a stressed out marriage gives me much, much more anxiety. I would rather just play along right now. I am so glad I have this forum so that hopefully by getting advice from all of you, I can avoid that pent-up frustration that I sometimes feel.
Hawkgirl, I totally agree that in a perfect world, we could each have different beliefs and interests but as you know, in the LDS world it doesn’t quite work that way. Me not attending the temple with him means that we are not doing what we need to to make it to the CK. We live in a predominately Mormon community where he gets to see all his co-workers attending with their wives. I feel bad and don’t want him to have to be the guy with the apostate wife.
Thank you so much everyone for helping me out with this. I really don’t want to go to the temple resentful and bitter. I know it will be really miserable if I do that. You have helped me find some ways to maybe make it a bit easier. Hopefully, by using your advice I can a least put on a happy face that day and make the best of it.
I can’t top anything here. Only reassure you that the temple and I, even in my TBM era, struggled. Maybe not as much as you, but I was surrounded by Temple Devotee’s – husband included, and I kept wishing we lived somewhere that didn’t have one. At the same time as a believer, I wanted to be connected, so it was weird. My advice comes from that season of my life. Meditate. Close your eyes and breathe.
I am a decade older than you, and the sessions have changed all over the place. What I promised, and did 30 years ago, is long gone. My daughter who just took out her endowment has a totally different set of “things” she does and doesn’t do. No life threatening promises, no naked moments (initiatory), even the clothing looks better (as much as it can.) – This means whatever you hear today could change next week or year. So tune it out. Breathe, disconnect, hum your favorite hymn.
When I sat with my daughter on her “Temple Matron” talk, symbolism was the oft repeated word. Over and over her guide kept saying “this is symbolic”. Even the underwear. The matron did say they keep you warm in the winter. To me that means you can make it symbolic however you choose.
My only caution or support is On Own’s point – the clarity. You should clarify in your heart that you are doing this
in peacefor him. Coming from my history that is a key. I used to dread our family trips to Utah because it meant a session was in order, and my husband loved to be Witness Couple. I would hide in the dressing room as long as possible to avoid that. Ironically now he has moved so far from it, he is embarrassed by his zeal. I know you can’t do what On Own does. Totally get it. Marriage is a life long negotiation, but make sure you choose a way to temple-ize that you can have peace in. Good luck.
kate5 wrote:I take everything literally which is probably a main reason why this church gives me so much anxiety.
kate5, we are taught as members to take everything very literally. BY taught, regarding the Temple Endowment, that (and I take this from lds.org):Quote:Your endowment is, to receive all those ordinances in the house of the Lord, which are necessary for you, after you have departed this life, to enable you to walk back to the presence of the Father, passing the angels who stand as sentinels, being enabled to give them the key words, the signs and tokens, pertaining to the holy Priesthood, and gain your eternal exaltation in spite of earth and hell. –Brigham Young
That’s a pretty literal interpretation. You will use the key words, signs and tokens given to you in the endowment as a kind of password to get into heaven. Yet, if you step back for a second, you must realize that that cannot be a true interpretation. You can get the keywords, signs and tokens from the internet. So, if we follow BY’s logic, Heaven will be made up mostly of people who lived during the Information Age and who were good at google (and had the time). IMO, the best way to look at anything spiritual is with a spiritual interpretation… non-literal, but applied as a view onto the meaning of whatever you seek.To me, OON, not BY, the key words, signs and tokens are very symbolic; representing the commitments we have made, and our showing that we have stayed true to our committed life when we reach a pivotal part of our journey. They exist entirely within the domain of the interactive play. They are given there, they are remembered there, and they are shown at the end, there. My interpretation is that if we seek to be in the presence of God (in this life or the next, and according to your perception of “God”), then as we learn what it takes to do so, and make commitments, then to the degree that we stay committed, we will be able to enter into a God-centered life, or what Paul called “Life in Christ”.
Unfortunately, the Church, its scriptures, and the Temple imply strongly that it’s all literal. Life and our experience here is so much more… uh… squishy… than that. The Church’s heavy reliance on literalism makes it difficult for people like you and me who have experiences and viewpoints that don’t fit a specific mold… and easy for those who fit the specific mold more readily. So literlistic thinking reinforces the one group and marginalizes the other. It’s not done on purpose, but it’s the natural outcome of the setup.
So, don’t feel bad that you’ve been taught to think of things so literally, and don’t feel less-than, because you don’t feel comfortable with that literal interpretation.
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