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I was reading Reuben’s post about his daughter ( http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=7971 My son needs to stay connected to his family (he has a real tendency to isolate himself) and our family (among other things) attend church. The members of our ward are very kind to him and one of the older high priests actually took him out to lunch one day. I feel he needs the socialization. In addition, I have never felt that my son has invested the intellectual or spiritual effort to make any good decisions about the church. He has never had friends in the ward and the few friends he has are either not members or not active at all. With so little support from his peer group (and his rather natural laziness), he decided church was not for him. If I felt he had gone through a process of study or reflection and arrived at that conclusion, I don’t know that I would require him to attend. But I’m fairly confident he has not.
In practice, it has worked out okay for the most part. There are some Sunday mornings when he and I have a fairly significant conflict over attending and I have to use my “father stick” to get him going but that’s the exception not the rule. He comes home teaching with me and doesn’t balk at it. When he’s at church, he talks to people and socializes. On those occasions when we clash over attending, I explain that when he lives on his own and supports himself, that will be up to him but for right now he needs to comply.
Anyway, I’m not trying to second guess myself but given that there is a great deal of variability in levels of activity and belief on this board, I thought I’d see what other people’s opinions might be on my approach. Thanks.
Gerald, I think you are doing fine. Personally, I think when you have an adult child living with you, you can levy any requirements you want. 1/3 of all expenses, no use of the TV, must wear a fu manchu mustache and a t-shirt that says “My Dad is #1” every Monday. Whatever you want. Thing is, kids have to have motivation to move on with their lives. Otherwise in 2027, you may have a 30-year-old son living at home. I’ve seen it.
It’s strange in our world today. When I was a teenager, every guy I associated with could not WAIT to move into their own apartment. The really lucky people shared an apartment with friends when they were 17/18. Some might stay at home if they were going to college, but that was the only reason, and it was far more likely to move out of the house or out of town.
On Own Now wrote:It’s strange in our world today. When I was a teenager, every guy I associated with could not WAIT to move into their own apartment. The really lucky people shared an apartment with friends when they were 17/18. Some might stay at home if they were going to college, but that was the only reason, and it was far more likely to move out of the house or out of town.
Yeah, I spent the week after my 18th birthday moving across town, and while I did live with family for a few months about two years later while I was settling into a new job in another area, I can’t imagine picking it as a long term option.
NightSG wrote:On Own Now wrote:It’s strange in our world today. When I was a teenager, every guy I associated with could not WAIT to move into their own apartment. The really lucky people shared an apartment with friends when they were 17/18. Some might stay at home if they were going to college, but that was the only reason, and it was far more likely to move out of the house or out of town.
Yeah, I spent the week after my 18th birthday moving across town, and while I did live with family for a few months about two years later while I was settling into a new job in another area, I can’t imagine picking it as a long term option.
I have the same reaction. I was EAGER to move on – even though my relationship with my family was very good.
I have also noticed the same thing about getting a driver’s license. I COULD NOT WAIT until the day I got my license. I would eagerly volunteer to go to the store, take my siblings to their activities, etc. I have a nephew that is now attending a community college and STILL has not even applied for his driver’s license. His parents are almost assuming this is a sign of mental illness (I don’t think my nephew has issues like that).
I must be getting old!
But to Gerald’s question, I do agree with OON – you shouldn’t be kicking your kids out of the house, but you have to make it close to the pain of real life or you will never get rid of him – and he will never grow up. As far as pushing him to go to church, I think it is fine as long as it isn’t increasing the possibility that your son is moving to a point where he will move out just so he can “never go to church again because I was FORCED to do so for so long”. From your description, it does not sound like that is where this is headed. But if he came and said he wouldn’t go, I might ask “what church are you going to then?” and I would offer to attend with him a few times.
I agree with everything that has been posted. The only additional comment is: Continue communicating.
Confide in your son about your feelings, concerns, hopes & dreams.
Treat him like the adult he is (or becoming).
(You can fill in the rest.)
LookingHard wrote:I have also noticed the same thing about getting a driver’s license. I COULD NOT WAIT until the day I got my license. I would eagerly volunteer to go to the store, take my siblings to their activities, etc.
Funny thing; I was the same way, and still enjoy road trips, but after seeing the budget without gas, insurance, etc. since my most recent beater quit, I’ve actually let my license expire. I’ll probably renew it once all the debts are paid off, and grab another ~$1000 beater off Craigslist so out of town stuff becomes an option again, but aside from bad weather, I actually enjoy cycling to most things. Cold, windy or rainy commutes and some grocery runs where I’d really like to stock up more than the bike can carry (especially toilet paper – a six roll pack is about all that will easily fit) are the only frequent local exceptions. The difference in my energy levels and my gut slowly diminishing while my legs keep getting more toned is a nice bonus, too.
If a boarder is not paying room and board (not being a renter), they are subject to the house rules – and even then there are basic, reasonable rules of conduct and treatment of the property that can apply. Just don’t be a jerk about it
There is a weird swing in life and you aren’t the only one with this opportunity. My neighborhood is full of the same scenario. Even bright kids who have gone to college have returned home. It is 360 degree’s different than our generation. One could blame it on helicopter parenting, but I am not totally certain. I think a lot more has to do with the uninspiring future they see, feel, and hear ahead. In my own area my college graduated daughters and friends are having a devil of a time finding employment that grants them enough income to even keep steady rent. Many are having to pull down 2 jobs so they can room in a place with a group of people. Too many jobs now require even higher education than a bachelor degree. We have a kid in our ward who completed his bachelor’s debt free, but needed a masters to be able to progress in his field. In between his bachelors and masters degree he got married, they had a kid. He just finished his masters, but is sinking in debt from it. So he, his wife, and baby moved home while he looks for a job and can get back on their feet.
In our area rent is a nasty business too. Landlord’s jerking around with rental fee’s. Less leasing options so they can jack the prices at their own will. Making it impossible for a tenant to have the means to remain at the local. Insurance, etc.
In our time all of that wasn’t pressing. It is now. The burden of living is exhausting and untenable. I have 2 adult kids living with me. Both employed, but really being strained with the limited income they get to cover anything.
I agree with everyone your post sounds like you are keeping balance. Just know you aren’t alone and you are not a failed parent.
One final thought – We have this same talk for a while in our lives. The other night my husband suggested that maybe we are looking at this issue the wrong way. Instead of fighting for a norm that won’t exist, embrace this. Spend more time as a family. Go on cool travel trips – the kids pay their way but we haul off on extended parent trips, invite all the family to join when they can. Leave them watching the house so they can have a roof over their head. All of us can share in amazing travel, build memories, keep connections and when they need to move on, they let us know. Embrace it. Make the most of it. Be a leader with it. Don’t you be defined by it.
My Brother & I were the oldest children in our family growing up. My sister was the youngest. Pat & I couldn’t wait to move out & we did. My sister lived with my parents until she got married.
The only requirement for my sister was she had to save her money & my parents supported her financially until married.
She worked factory jobs all her life & when she married her husband (& she) continued to save. He also worked in a local factory.
Today our parents are gone & all three of us are retired. My sister (who always worried about money) showed me her retirement account.
It’s over $1,000,000. Plus they have property.
Gerald, there are wonderful practical lessons we can teach our children at this stage in our life.
As we treat them as adults (or potential adults) there are wonderful lessons they can teach us in return.
mom3 wrote:I think a lot more has to do with the uninspiring future they see, feel, and hear ahead.
When when I was 17, I was at my Priest Quorum Adivsor’s house. It was brand new. It had cost a little over $100K at that time and I can remember the sinking realization that I would never be able to afford to own a home… in my mind, that was a thing of the past. Who can affort $100K? Mortgage interest rates were around 14%. I was making something like $3.25/hr at the time, and I wasn’t born into money. My high school featured razor wire on the roof.But, after my mission, I went to BYU, worked hard, had jobs all the way through. After college, I was frugal, continued working hard and saved. After a long stretch of working seven-days-a-week, I bought my first house at age 26. Lest anyone think of this as the 1800’s, I can tell you that I’d still be paying on that original mortgage if I had kept it.
I do think there is a different expectation of minimum comfort today than when I was young. A cell phone plan costs $40-ish/month, internet’s like another $40, streaming plans to watch TV/movies run about $20 for most people. That’s $100 a month right there that I never had to pay for… of course… kids don’t have to have those services today, they just assume that they do. We got by with a lot less stuff and a lot fewer services then. We were content with FM stereos and three TV channels. Air conditioning in a car usually meant rolling down the windows (manually). There was no facebook, twitter, online gaming, or texting. Somehow, we still did all right for ourselves.
Thanks for the comments, everyone. I particularly appreciated mom3’s notion of redefining the situation. It is food for thought! I’m a little late to the party, I was spending time with my own adult kids who were home for Christmas. I did read daily but I haven;t commented much these past few weeks. At any rate, I agree with what you are doing Gerald. When we have had adult children home (for instance between a mission and returning to school) we also use the “my house, my rules” idea. We don’t treat them like teenagers by any means, but requiring help with household chores and upkeep doesn’t seem unreasonable for someone getting free room and board in my book. Honestly at first I questioned your idea of forcing church attendance. I’m not one to say “if I were in that situation I’d….” because I have come to recognize that I don’t really know what I’d do until I am actually in that situation. I have not been in the situation of an adult child at home long term and the closest I have come is a son between college and a mission who was here 8 months. There was no need to force him to church or anything else, he was good at just being a part of the family.
Long story short, I think you’re doing OK and you don’t need to worry about it unless you’re getting lots of pushback from your son.
I also appreciated Mom3’s point of view – sometimes our dear Millennials have very limited choices and wouldn’t choose to return home if it wasn’t the better choice.
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