How are we all doing?

I have tried 100 different ways to process the churches response and all of them end at heartbroken.

I could rant for hours. Initially I appreciated our earlier steps – President Uchtdorf sharing his experiences as a boy. Elder Kearon address (which I still love and think we should rent our shirts over and post on our housetops.). Even Elder Hollands comments this past September. My stake did a massive fireside and brought in the Lutheran Group, the Catholic group, and others to help us learn to work with refugee’s. Our county was one of the highest prepared in the country.

– Then nothing. Okay a whisper. Really? The U.S. Olympic Committee did better than we did.

I may be crying for months to come.

Thanks for asking. Frankly I’ve been in a funk for a couple months or so.

My kids (except the missionary, of course) were all home for the holidays and I took lots of time to spend with them and spent little here. I have a daughter and a son who I can talk to, and having them around for real face-to-face talks was nice. Over that time I got used to not posting and I don’t feel like I need to post as much since then. I’m also working on being more positive and sometimes I realize all I have to say on a subject here is probably not especially positive – although at some point I will definitely let stuff out.

I also spent lots of time in my own ward in November/December and I don’t know if that was necessarily a good thing. I have traveled the last couple weeks, and was at a ward conference this past Sunday. I don’t know if that was especially good, either (hence I didn’t respond to the Sunday thread). As is customary here, only the bishop and SP spoke. The bishop isn’t a good speaker and I tuned him out fairly early on. I was telling my son, who knows who the bishop is, about that and he asked what the bishop talked about. I don’t know other than I don’t recall him mentioning Christ at all and he said he wrote his talk on Saturday because he was on vacation. The SP did a nice job and did talk about God’s love and Christ but of late he has been on this kick about trials being for our good and I grew tired of that subject long ago. SS was dismal. The teacher was fine but was clearly looking for Primary answers and there were about 3 people in the class who catered to him. He followed the manual without any other material and seemed proud that he “got through the whole lesson.” I read from Revelations in Context for about half of it and learned about Warren Cowdery (who I knew nothing about before) and the early branches in western NY. Our stake has also been on a kick about home teaching since Elder Holland’s talk, so surprise, surprise that’s what the priesthood lesson was about. And despite the guy quoting Holland about paper used and guilt trips, he proceeded to be a travel agent of guilt for the next 30 minutes (with one of the aforementioned SS piccolos helping out).

And then there’s the politics. I am no Trump fan, but I was willing to give him a chance. I’m not even totally opposed to his immigration thing – I’m opposed to the way he’s doing it, that it hurts refugees and those who already have visas. And I live in a very red part of a very blue state. I could practically hear the cheering when Trump signed the order. I honestly don’t know anybody here (besides my wife) who isn’t totally on the Trump train or totally the opposite. And our ward and stake gave lip service to the refugee thing after conference and that was it. I can’t imagine the good we could have done if we had put as much time and effort into that as we have Holland’s talk. To me the church is clearly at odds with Trump and the Republican party over immigration and refugees, but you’d never know that talking to the average member.

(My son just texted me that his history professor at BYU said “I Love to See the Temple” is propaganda. 😆 )

I notice we have been quiet lately. It’s been a doosie of a weekend. I know the board is about church, but anyone want to vent, share, cry?

Thanks…I’m not sure what I want to do…and so I keep it to myself, and so…I don’t know that I have much to post on the board right now. This is in regard to politics and the church and my testimony.

Perhaps I just feel like things just roll on. I kind of see our society (me included) like these ants scurrying around doing our busy thing…then the hill gets kicked over, and we scurry around some more. But what really matters?

I am asking this question to myself a lot. I don’t know what matters…and yet…I can’t seem to convince myself that nothing matters, there is still stuff to deal with and my relationships with family are not going to thrive if I don’t care about anything.

My BIL is muslim…and he was crying watching CNN. He isn’t even into his religion…any more than most catholics are into theirs. But it is who he is…it is his family. He can’t have some relatives come visit him (he lives in California as a doctor and an outstanding guy and total American…he takes good care of my sister and his family)…but he can’t have relatives visit him and he worries about how he will be treated by others. He is scared. It greatly affects me…I want him to know I support him…I can’t sit by and do nothing and not care or it makes me look like I am in agreement with things…I have to take a stand to let him know how I feel…I want him to know the church is doing good things like opening doors to neighbor muslim congregations to pray, and making statements about freedoms and that kind of thing. He doesn’t get into organized religion much…but seems to still be affected by it.

Perhaps I feel that way too. I’m affected by the church and things it does and what happens in our ward. I can’t shut my mouth when other ward members talk about some things that I don’t agree with because then I feel like I’m agreeing with them. But I hate speaking up because it doesn’t matter if I believe differently and am not orthodox or not…the church rolls on either way.

I’m not one to get riled up to want to protest, or leave the church, or call others to repentance. I just want to believe what I believe and be left alone.

So much of church just seems to be about pleasing others and getting approval and pats on the back by others…which is what I’m trying to avoid…and so I’m always at conflict at church…just do what i think is good and don’t worry about what others think…but then there is not much that matters at church to me.

Right now…because I can’t seem to figure it out…I’m just playing the observer. Observing myself and how I react to things.

My son had a very very spiritual sacrament meeting for his mission farewell…he leaves in 6 days. I spoke. He spoke. Tears were shed…people complimented our talks as some of the best sacraments meeting talks all year. Shrug. I observe that. I don’t know it matters. Life goes on.

Then lessons are boring and repetitive and meaningless and a waist of time…and it repeats. Busy little ants talking about how evil the world is and patting themselves on the back for being righteous. And the world goes on.

It really feels like the church’s moral center is non-existent, that they aren’t concerned about the things they should be and they are concerned about the things they shouldn’t be.

I agree in some ways…but in some ways I feel like they are trying to take a stand and be a beacon to the world…but they just aren’t. They aren’t relevant and I don’t even think they are making any compelling arguments or teachings. They are just trying to sell their stuff to their loyal customers and keep a brand going.

But…does it matter? I just don’t feel like it does. That’s all.

I’ll keep observing. I’m starting to just believe I am too insignificant to care to try to do anything about it.

I hope my son has a good mission. I’m sure he will. And the world keeps turning. I don’t have much to add on the forum threads that matter much. That’s how I’m doing.

I didn’t vote for Trump but I don’t think he’ll be Hitler. I just think things keep rolling on. This problem or that problem. Trade one for the other. People aren’t wrong to be offended or worry about Trump’s ego…just simply that he’ll be gone in 4 years and some other shlep will have their problems to deal with. Busy little ants.

My additional .04. Nibbler – I agree the face to face is helping move conversations elsewhere and I do think that is good. It’s healing progress. Yet I am still glad that we have place where someone can start out as they begin the navigation ahead.

DJ- Like you I had all the family home. My believing daughter is working on a blog about being the believing kid when your hero parents hit a faith transition. So we got to have some great discussions together. We also just hung out and had fun – not letting our differences separate us. I was dang proud of all of us.

On the “being positive thing” – Me, too. I have even posted a bit here hoping to spread a little sunshine. I feel like I need to make a conscious effort to be positive, because negative is so much easier.

On the Refugee thing – I was so bummed too. My Stake was heading out strong, but 6 months later GC was quiet about it. I feel as a church it wouldn’t have hurt to have made it a year long deal. Even just sharing success stories to inspire us to keep going. Elder Kearon is working so hard on this – it would be cool if we hitched our wagons to his and rolled.

Nibbler – Great job massaging the message kindly. I do think the church may have felt that they had been vocal before and didn’t need a do over. I also think since the ban was 90 days only they may have held their tongues. Lastly I think they realize that Team Trump is not going to luv the Mormons. Bannon can’t stand us, neither can the Pastor Jeffer’s – so prudence is probably a wise thing. I was stinking proud of Salt Lake and other counties in Utah who said they weren’t going to profile, etc. And I loved the LDS ward who opened their buildings to Muslims.

I really just wanted to make sure where each of you were. I love our little family here. In sunshine and shadow, we are awesome. IMHO.

Heber13- You and I posted at the same time. Funstuff. The ant thing is interesting. The see-saw back and forth is a wonderment. Life does roll on. What is the purpose, etc. My only stuckness on that note is history, Did I do my part to try to make the world better? That’s the question that sits on my heart all the time. I also note that ants usually start another hill so – who knows maybe we will, too.

Now I will post and run.

I don’t recall hearing where your son is going Heber. While email chatting with my son yesterday he was very excited about the schedule changes and the key indicator thing (more the schedule changes). I had asked because his president is pretty hard line and I though he wouldn’t embrace the changes. He did change their schedule, they go out earlier, actually have an hour lunch break (lunch is the big meal there) and do some of their studying in the afternoon and they’re allowed to study in places other than home (like a park). And they’re allowed to come home earlier if they’re tired and can sleep longer than 8 hours (by going to bed earlier). He thought the key indicators would probably be modified by his president and they’d still have to count other things – leadership council is this week.

I do see the missionary changes as a step in the right direction, or at least a face save in admitting that most missionaries don’t study on p-day anyway. I was actually shocked when my older son told me about p-day study when he was out, that was not a thing in the old days when I hung out with Peter and Paul (not Mary) . My son likes the idea of more flexibility and he does think it will relieve some stress and boredom. I think it will help, they could have done more – but the ship does turn slowly.

On edit: we were posting at the same time Heber. I too believe there are times and seasons for each of us. I am still seeking peace, mostly by trying to be at peace.

Aside from politics and religion this is my life:

In early May of 2015 my mother assaulted my grandmother. It was the second infraction. Adult protective services got involved the first time, APS was really testy the second time. As is the case with most of my mother’s exploits the authorities eventually come looking for me. Long story short, to keep all parties sated I had to become my grandmother’s general guardian. It meant cutting my mother off of my grandmother’s purse strings… no small feat, my mother was embezzling money from my grandmother. So protecting my grandmother’s financial assets from my mother was a silver lining. There is that.

We also took my grandmother into our home because APS forbid my mother from living with my grandmother. My grandmother is bedridden and has dementia, she required someone to be with her 24/7. To sate all parties (a theme) we took another one for the team and started taking care of my grandmother in our home at the end of June ’15. Unfortunately my grandmother requires that 24/7 care so DW and I have to leave the house in turns. If she goes out, I stay home and vice versa. We even do church in turns. We’ve been doing this for 19 months now. 19 months. It’s like being on house arrest and the effects have been cumulative.

I also have degenerative disc disease which started in my lower back and has progressed up my spine. It’s robbed me of my ability to do anything physical. I only mention this because it’s another thing that I feel is weighing me down.

That’s my life. I don’t find a whole lot of enjoyment in it, in fact most days I hate it. These last 5 or so years have been one life changing disaster after another, mostly (and I hate to blame people) dealing with things my mentally ill mother does. Life would be so much easier without her.

I tried doing the church calling thing. I found it added too much stress to my already over-busy life. Thankfully the local leaders have backed off. It’s hard to argue in the face of someone that has chronic pain, is the father figure to a mentally ill teenager in her 60s (she even wrecked my car two years ago – I have stories – lots and lots of horrible stories), shares in responsibilities of 24/7 caretaking with DW for someone that can do nothing for themselves, holds down a full time job, and is trying to raise a child.

And there’s no end to any of those problems in the foreseeable future. At times I’m resentful. At times I lose all hope. At times I can swallow it down enough to face another day.

So much of church amounts to an anthill when compared to the things I deal with every day of my life. For me getting out of bed in the morning is a bigger struggle than anything the church does. So much of this thing called faith for me has taken a backseat. Every time I try to get back into full activity (as full as attending every other week so DW can attend every other week can afford) I find that the people there only know how to add to my burdens… what calling I can hold… who I can visit. Frankly I don’t need that in my life right now so church has become mostly irrelevant.

To be completely honest, I see the desire by people here (and everywhere really) is to keep that positive outlook on life… I can’t describe life as positive. I just can’t. That has not been my experience. So I keep my mouth mostly shut, not wanting to be the wet blanket, the negative guy, the complainer, or the sob story guy. Lately I’ve been dead inside and I don’t want to spread it… except to you people that made it this far into my post. 😈

Nibbler has told me most of that in private messages. I didn’t know about the back problems. Honestly, sometimes when I’m feeling sorry for myself I think about his situation and it seems I don’t have it so bad. Other than that all I can do is mourn with him, like Job’s friends who just sat with him.