Llama among sheep

I was intrigued by the topic title. The very first thing that came to mind:

Yeah, it’s in Spanish but half the church speaks Spanish now, try to keep up. “The secret of love is to keep the flame alive.” In Spanish the word for llama and flame are the same. [Wolfcastle]That’s the joke.[/Wolfcastle] Maybe it’s a Peru thing. So first off I’d say that you’ve got to do whatever it takes to keep the llama alive.

Now that the itch has been scratched…

First I’d ask whether you needed to explain yourself each time or whether turning down certain callings and assignments while suggesting callings you would accept would net you the same result. My experience was that I opted out of all callings for a while because I had a series of family emergencies I needed to deal with. It was something external and visible that people could use to justify my position, but what I found is that turning down a calling had the effect of further alienating myself from the community – and that candle burnt at both ends. I didn’t feel like a part of the community because I opted out of large part of how the community defines itself and because the community didn’t really know what to do with a person that didn’t play game. You’re still the llama amid sheep but now the sheep start to keep their distance or the llama starts to perceive a growing distance. The question doesn’t change much. Why stay when you’re a llama and you feel like there’s an empty circle that forms around you no matter where you walk. Maybe that’s a different problem.

So for me the issue was/is:

The church is only going to ask me for things that I feel that I can’t give and the only things that I feel that I can give, the church doesn’t want. What’s the point?

In your example the sheep and the llama both have wool that can be used to make clothing, something they have in common (sometimes I feel like a sphynx cat at church). What if the church isn’t in the wool business though? They’re more fixated on producing sheep (specifically) that follow a shepherd. Dogs that follow a shepherd don’t make the cut. It has to be a sheep.

While we’re on the analogy, check this out: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guard_llama” class=”bbcode_url”>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guard_llama

A guard llama is a llama, guanaco, alpaca or hybrid that is used in farming to protect sheep, goats, hens or other livestock from coyotes, dogs, foxes and other predators.

Maybe the coyote is not a person or something external to the church, maybe it’s a church doctrine or teaching that’s harmful to people. Take it for what you will, I’m just tossing it over the fence.

So, I guess my question is: what do you do to find a desire to stay active when you really don’t want to be there?

That’s a good question. I still see that there’s room for me to grow at church. I take my quest for spiritual knowledge to be developing theory and my interactions with others, including people at church, as the practice. Being at church is less imperative than it once was but it’s a place to exist.

Because of the mental images the thread title conjured in my mind I’m tempted to post a few images in this thread… and knowing me I’ll cave. I hope you don’t mind.

[img]http://i.imgur.com/PUgDlN5.gif[/img]

[img]https://media.giphy.com/media/xTk9ZxxvYKSsNkhpkI/giphy.gif[/img]

I’m not sure why you keep confiding your doubts in your bishops. I think they will draw their own conclusions in time anyway. I do understand what you mean about feeling like the effort is just as great as being orthodox, but I think it’s a better type of effort & result. The efforts associated with orthodoxy are about exertions within a closed loop system: you have to do things this way or you aren’t good enough and will be ostracized. But the efforts of the unorthodox are an open loop system and only difficult because so many around you are in a closed loop system. Your efforts in a closed loop system are all about performance anxiety, being seen through, not being good enough. Your efforts in an open loop system are all about understanding things, asking questions, being curious, seeking and finding. To me the open loop approach is an honest sweat, but the closed loop approach is too akin to hypocrisy, perfectionism and comparing to others.

Love the pictures!!! Haaa!!!!

Thanks, all, for your replies. Most of you have mentioned that there is no need to vocalize my different beliefs with my bishops repeatedly. I understand that perspective, but there was a reason for each:

1st bishop: Called me in for a temple recommend interview and mentioned that it had expired a couple of years previous. I had a good relationship with this bishop, and knew he had a son going through the same questions I had, so I shared where I was at with everything, and had a great discussion. He dropped the temple recommend issue, but called me to be his executive secretary a few weeks later. I served for him for a few months until he was released.

2nd bishop: Asked me to stick around as his executive secretary, and I told him I didn’t want to do it anymore. Didn’t get into a lot of details, but basically told him that my testimony was in God and Christ, and not much else. He was okay with me being released.

3rd bishop: My wife left me for about a year, because she was struggling with my FC and had a friend telling her that she should leave me and find a ‘worthy priesthood holder.’ So, I spoke with that bishop during that whole mess.

4th bishop: I spoke with this bishop, because I wanted to baptize my daughter, but also wanted him to know exactly where I am at with my testimony. This was definitely the most positive experience of the 4.

New bishop: With this one, I don’t feel he needs to know. Like you said, he’ll figure it out, to a degree. I won’t seek out the discussion. But, if he wants to ask, I also won’t give him half-answers. I believe in putting it all out there. Not because I feel an obligation, but simply because I don’t feel like I have anything to hide. It’s been freeing to just be upfront about it with anybody who cares to ask. But, if people don’t ask, I don’t advertise it either.

Sometimes, I’d just like to be able to have a REAL discussion in priesthood/SS/etc. about what we EACH believe, without people becoming defensive when they sense that you might not believe everything they believe. It feels petty. That’s tiring.

Does anybody else find that being an active, but unorthodox, member of the church is just as draining as being an orthodox member?

Yes, probably even more so! (from a fellow llama that outwardly looks like a sheep).

So, I guess my question is: what do you do to find a desire to stay active when you really don’t want to be there?

I need some help with this one too. I’m burned out, and I really don’t want to be there. Maybe I just need a sabbatical.

I love this analogy of llamas and sheep and the sheepese and not biting only makes it better. I don’t spit at the sheep either.

This is the first time that I’ve thought that it would be easier to be inactive.

Except, I’m assuming (?) for the huge family problems that would cause? And maybe I am assuming, but that’s a large part of why I stay active in this church. If you were an inactive Mormon, would you go be active in another church? I think I would because I want a Sabbath, and I love to connect and serve. So, either way, there is work and effort, but I’m not at all prepared to disrupt my family or “go there” with my husband.

We had a special stake conference a couple of weeks ago, and Elder Bednar came and spoke to us. I remember the days when I would have been excited about this, but now I just roll my eyes at how star-struck people get around the Q15. Most of his message was very generic, but there were a few points he made that bothered me. But, he’s a Q15, so I can’t openly disagree with anything he said without people getting defensive immediately. If it had been a typical high counselor giving the exact same talk, people would have been much more bothered by some of the message, and would have been able to share their own opinions on the subject. But, since he’s a Q15, anything he says is treated as though it’s beyond contestation.

Boy, do I know this feeling. But it’s very freeing in a way. It excuses you from all kinds of church drama, small talk, maybe even certain callings due to the I-just-don’t-care vibe I assume others can feel.

It’s lonely being unorthodox.

Honestly, if they would ask all these inactive people why they stopped coming to church, I think it would boil down to loneliness. It really wears you out after awhile.

I’ve felt peace through each change, because I was doing what I felt was right, and only after a lot of thought.

Something to be thankful for.

This is the first time I’ve felt like it would be so much easier to be inactive. I could continue to live and believe the way I already do, but I wouldn’t have to go to church and listen to messages I don’t agree with, or continually find myself having to justify my presence there to the leaders even though I’m different.

Again, would you not search for another church home? Wherever I would choose, I’d be listening to some messages I don’t agree with. But if I reach the point, and some days I think I’m there, where I just can’t stand to hear another word about Joseph Smith, church history, etc., I’ll choose other stuff I disagree with less.

So, I guess my question is: what do you do to find a desire to stay active when you really don’t want to be there?

Take a cold, hard look at the alternatives. And a warm, soft look at the people around me. It’s not always easy, though, I agree.