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Based on a recent experience I had with a priesthood leader, I’d like to suggest a few phrases that I think might be good things for people on the fringe to hear from priesthood leaders…feel free to disagree or comment. 1. “What would it take for you to trust me with your thoughts and feelings about being a member at the church at this point in your life?”
2. “I don’t really have an agenda for this meeting, I’d simply like to understand how you got to the place you are with the church right now.”
3. “Whether you fully engage with the LDS experience, or not, I want you to know I really appreciate [insert even minimal contributions currently being made].”
4. “I still remember the way you [insert contribution the person made during their active period]. The legacy follows you for the rest of your life. Thanks”
5. “You clearly feel strongly about that, and I respect that”.
6. “Would you mind if we have a chat in a year or so from now about how you are feeling? And feel free to call me anytime”.
7. “Regardless of the decisions you make regarding your relationship with the church, please know that on an interpersonal basis, I always consider you a part of our community”.
The whole thing is made difficult as these priesthood holders, most of them, are gatekeepers and administrators first, in addition to advisors. So you have to be careful what you say in response to these open-ended questions, but I will say I probably would have talked a lot more had I heard AND BELIEVED the statements above.
I think good advice for priesthood leaders is to accept the motto of the medical profession — “Do no harm”. When people have already made up their minds, they may not realign with church behavior immediately, but you can at least leave them feeling warmer about their experience. So often, they leave you feeling worse about it than before you spoke to them.
“I’ll never impose any kind of discipline based solely on what you believe” would get me to open up like a fire hydrant. I think that would be great, SD. I don’t see it happening, but I’d love it if it did. My thoughts echo DJ. It would be nice. I also think those expressions by leaders may sometimes be said, but not in isolation. So some leader may say something close to those statements, but then also something around trying to inspire and challenge and commit to what they think will help effort and growth…but the person across from the desk just feel like they aren’t understood and forget the first part that is compassionate. Rarely do I see a leader just listen, and say nothing back. They usually feel compelled to offer their views (and think that is what they are supposed to do or why would the person come talk to them in their office?). I don’t think they get trained to just validate.
For me, these aren’t nice-to-haves, they are at the heart of effectiveness. I’m still reminded of a situation when I was a FT missionary. We had a baptism scheduled. The Bishop wanted us to delay it a week due to a conflict with another meeting on that day. Given the prevalence of anti-Mormon elements in the area I served, I had a visible, negative reaction to the idea. After he saw my shocked and unwilling body language, he backed entirely away from the request and said “It’s entirely your decision, I will support you either way”.
I talked about it with my companion, and the space the Bishop gave us made a big difference. We felt open to consider the ramifications, the strength of the support around the convert, etcetera, and agreed to reschedule. We actually respected the Bishop more after that. It helped the relationship, didn’t hurt it. And the investigator got baptized in spite of the risks that delaying the baptism posed.
I think that giving people space is critical to getting their cooperation. Unconditional affirmation always triumphs over conditional affirmation. I left a recent conversation with a priesthood leader feeling a) misunderstood b) disaffirmed, and c) not trusting of my true thoughts and feelings with him. That, for me, is not a recipe for more open discussion — something that is critical to warming up the experience of being a fully active Mormon again.
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