I’m really grateful for you guys!

I think you’ll find several that feel like you. I have exactly the same struggles and half said to myself more than once “I’m going to positive today” only to get irritated at the first speaker and it’s all downhill from there. FWIW, SM was good in my ward today, very Christ and scripture centered and a noticeable uptick over the past few weeks, and I came home in a good mood.

I don’t have anything new to share. When it gets bad out comes my tablet and I start reading scriptures or a talk I do like or doing my own research on the topic at hand or another (if the topic is preparedness or family history for example). Other than that I try extra hard to be nice to people, speaking to people I don’t normally speak to and so forth.

I’d love to say it gets better, but for me it hasn’t gotten appreciably better. How I cope with it has improved though.

I’ll feel with you today Katzpur.

I really struggle in this area. My struggle is that I often can’t tell how much of the “problem” is with me and how much is with the situation. What I mean by that is that I wonder whether the issue is me focusing on the negatives or whether the overall experience itself is mostly a bad experience. Could I change my state of mind to focus on positive things or is it easier to change my environment to a more positive one?

I haven’t shared this story here because I really do try to focus on the positives. More on that later but first the story.

About a year ago I went to the temple to help with baptisms. I was going to be one of baptism witnesses. Issue one: my temple clothes didn’t fit me anymore, I put on a lot of weight, 😳 so I needed clothes when I got there. At the temple they gave me a white jumpsuit to wear… just like every other time. Shortly after sitting in the witness chair someone running the baptistry approached me, found out that I would only be performing the duties of a witness (not baptizing), and made me change into a white shirt and white pants because witnesses couldn’t wear the white jumpsuit.

I don’t know if there has been a rule change at temples but it didn’t sound right to me. There have been plenty of instances where a witness will wear the white jumpsuit and then take over baptizing duty at the midpoint of the evening, so I know it could be done, I’ve done it countless times… but if it will make this guy happy, whatever. I change. When I get back that same guy has some other issue with my appearance and makes me go back and change again. I can’t remember what it was the second time but I remember that at that stage, the dance the guy was putting me through was starting to get annoying.

I went with one of my kids and the youth were instructed to bring a family name so they could do ordinance work for them. We attempted to do this but found that someone in some other state had “stolen” (did the ordinance work without permission from anyone in my family) every single one of the family names that we had prepared. Once you put the info out there it’s out of your control I guess.

Our kid couldn’t do any baptisms for anyone in our family, they had already been done. Well the leaders had made a huge deal out of every kid bringing a name so our kid got in “trouble” for not bringing one and I found myself having to explain our situation (give an excuse) to no fewer than three different PH leaders. Just like the TPS reports in Office Space.

From the Pharisee measuring my inseam and trying to spot any flaw that he could to make sure I measured up to whatever handbook he was going off of to the system that completely misses the point of turning the hearts of the children to their fathers by robbing my kid of all opportunities to do ordinances for our family… it wasn’t a good day. I wasn’t even mad or sad, the predominant thought was, “this is stupid.”

So why this story? Ray, if you’re reading this I really don’t mean to pick on you but here goes…

When we talk about the good things that happen at church, like Ray’s story about the temple president that welcomed in the casually dressed couple with open arms… well, I haven’t had those experiences. Most temple experiences are forgettable (it’s the temple, they’re mostly all the same) but if one visit stands out more than others in recent years it’s the story I shared above.

I typically don’t bring those stories here because, to be honest, it can be invalidating when positive stories are shared, maybe in an effort to counterbalance by saying, “not all the church is that way, look at this positive thing.” I don’t know, I’m just talking, but it does put me in the position where I feel like I’m the negative standout of the thread… even when I think most would legitimately struggle to find something positive had they experienced what I had experienced.

Sorry, I don’t mean to step on any toes or reprimand. Just saying that being honest in relating my experiences can be a very difficult thing to do. No one wants to be the negative guy. No one wants to feel like their bad experiences are being superseded by good things that happen elsewhere.

Katzpur, sorry for hijacking.

I’ve found that every ward has those people, with some pretty bizzare beliefs in the other direction. Those who are vehemently opposed to interracial marriages, for example. No one dares speak up against them without making a scene, and a few other bizzaros might actually agree with them. We’ve got a Church largely founded upon the premise, “If it feels right, it is right.” With the diversity of people and experiences, you’re bound to get some nonsensical beliefs. Trust me, others were biting their tongues as well.

Speaking of those accused of idol-woshiping, I went to a Buddhist Temple for Sunday service this morning. I really enjoyed it. The main emphasis of the lecture today, was on how all the universe and everything in it is interconnected. Just like we don’t look at the human body, and see “this is one cell, and this is a different cell”, there isn’t really a you and me. We’re all part of the same “body”. When we impart kindness to another, we are showing kindness to ourselves in turn. When one of us suffers, we all suffer together. The more we learn of another person, the more we love them; because they’re really not all that different from us. And above all, I hope you know, you are not alone. We’re all in this together.

I’m sorry, that whole rant was probably unnecessary, and maybe I’m being as judgmental as either of the two people I gave as examples. I just wish I could feel that I belong. I don’t seem to fit into the Mormon culture at all (or maybe it’s the Utah Mormon culture; I don’t know). Anyway, any comments would be appreciated, and if I have just over-reacted, you can tell me that, too. It probably won’t make me feel any worse than I already do. Somehow, though, I feel as if, among this particular group of people, I’ll find someone who would have felt the same way I did.

You are absolutely not alone, and I think you would be surprised how many in your own ward even feel the same way as you. I think its easy to think that were alone, but I think thats largely because we don’t dare talk to others and find other like minded people among us. This is largely due to culture, but it also keeps us safe because it can make life an absolute mess for us (shunning and gossip or unwanted meetings) if we disclose too much to the wrong people and it gets around. And that is why I have stayed silent and suffered alone all these years. Sometimes I wish I knew others who think and feel like me though… it would be so great to sit down with someone who understands and relates.

Sunday school is the worst for me. Some of the comments really strike nerves with me, or I get bored, or tired of some of the rationalizations and half-truths. Just this Sunday I took a small notepad with me and drew in it, and it really helped. I don’t know why I havent tried that sooner. I find that when I start feeling that way that I tend to want to fidget a bit, and drawing gave me that permission to “fidget” (or scribble out my frustration) while still looking like I was paying attention. I thought I would mention it in case you want to give it a try and see if it helps you in those moments.

I came across a blog post not too long ago that you may really enjoy – I think it relates:

https://faithfulexpansions.wordpress.com/2017/08/06/the-pain-of-the-sister-in-the-pew-next-to-you/

Remember that God loves all of his sheep. Even the black sheep. It’s okay to be a black sheep. It’s how God created you and he did it for a reason. Maybe it’s to give the flock some perspective. Maybe it’s to touch lives that couldn’t be touched by a white sheep.

I like that. It reminds me of “A Skeptic’s Prayer” by Margaret Rampton Munk:

A SKEPTIC’S PRAYER

Is it true

Thou lovest best

Thy meek, unasking children?

Thou has made us

So diverse, so various,

Yet in the image of a Sire

Who filled the universe

With His creative fire.

What father has supposed

His child would grow to manhood

Only hearing and affirming?

What man could honor such a son?

How could a mind that,

Like a sponge,

Absorbs but never questions,

Doubts,

Or wonders why

Be offspring and apprentice

To a God?

It may be, Lord,

Thou canst never love me

With the calm relief

a father feels

For his obedient child–

The one who’s never any trouble.

But use me

As a bridge

To those more wayward still

Than I.

I cannot give them all the answers;

But they will not ask

The ones who think they can.

Let me speak

To Thy lost sheep

As one who,

Understanding how they went astray,

Still loves the Shepherd.

It reminds me of “A Skeptic’s Prayer” by Margaret Rampton Munk:

A SKEPTIC’S PRAYER

[snip]

Man, that’s an awesome poem. I need to get me a plaque of that and hang it on my wall!

I deal with it by getting my spiritual jollies outside the church — in my relationships with non-members, community service, other groups I hob nob with. All outside the church. So, the church footprint gets much smaller and less annoying. The shoe is so much smaller than it used to be that the pebbles in the shoe are like grains of sand. I’ve made my own fun somewhere else. But i still go to LDS church.

I also get a kick out of making people think. Read my story about the blue shirt in the Active topics area, hopefully. I do that a lot. It’s not offensive, but it makes people think. For example, when I’m in a meeting and if someone called the Hindus one of those other idol worshipping religions, I’d try to say something that makes people think. Perhaps by asking how we can we combat the notion among Hindus that we worship men rather than idols, as evidenced by our hymn “Praise to the Man”? I’ve had investigators drop the missionaries over that hymn being sung at church. Ask the question and open it for discussion.

I also take every opportunity I can to teach people not be judgmental. Had a lesson where I showed up in a flowered shirt, jeans, and Van sneakers in High Priests. Taught the lesson on judgmentalism and then someone said “I could be judgmental about the way you are dressed for church today” and asked everyone “What did you think when you walked into this room and saw me dressed this way??”

Powerful teaching moment as no one wanted to share the judgmentalism I know they all felt. Deer in the headlights. Caught. Busted. When I indicated I had permission to be dressed that way as an object lesson the room erupted into smiles and appreciation for the power of the lesson.

Stuff like that. Rock the boat without sinking the ship. It’s very therapeutic.