Trying to be brave: choosing to go less active

I’ve found that while at first, it feels temporary, it can quickly become your lifestyle. I casted off a few habits of Mormonism and now I can’t even consider going back to that again. I’m just too comfortable with my new set of habits. This is one situation where the slippery slope applies. It sounds like you will have the outward vestiges of Mormonism, which is great, but I see that crumbling with indefinite time away from church.

I suggest, that rather than go completely inactive, consider pruning the tree. Analyze the habits of your religion that cause you anxiety and cut those things back.

Here are some ways I cut back:

1. No more moving people. A lower back injury and just sick of it all was enough.

2. No accepting callings that are given for the mere convenience of someone else. Accept callings that I feel are valuable, and co-mission with my own desires and goals in the church. It’s much easier to do them well.

3. Avoid and contain those situations that cause anxiety. You know what they are for you. Post about them here and get some ideas, and then deal with them in a way that makes sense to you.

I have certain people who I absolutely avoid given the way they plunged me into depression and ended up contracting pneumonia.

I still go most Sundays now, and have an assignment in the church.

What’s your list?

Hi Grobert,

Let me start off by saying that I do not have any answers.

I have 2 children ages 11 and 9. We are fairly active in the LDS church (though I work most Sundays). DW is the “activity days” leader for DD and I am the bear den scout leader for DS. We also participate in other Christian church’s activities fairly regularly.

DW has at times expressed concern about “confusing” the children. I feel that exposing them to good people that have differences in religious belief isn’t confusing – that is just preparing them for life.

OTOH, we are just about to embark in the roller coaster teen years when some important life decisions with lasting consequences can be made. There is certainly part of the father in me that would love for the certainty and stability of the “iron rod” (chastity, WoW, respect for authority, etc) to ground my children. Maybe I should keep the training wheels on a bit longer… at least until the hormones and risk taking subside… maybe 25?

In short, welcome to parenting. We each do what we tentatively believe to be the right thing and then hope for the best.

One important lesson is to “trade up.” If you are going to cut out church from your routine then I suggest that you add something that is worthwhile and rejuvenating. This can be something as simple as an afternoon walk with the family. A simple tradition to get you out in the fresh air. A time to reconnect with the ones you love. If you are going to do less church, what are you going to replace it with?

Thank you for your advice! I will most certainly do my best to do what i feel is best for our kids now and may change what i decide to do as time goes on. And thank you for your advice at the end. I most certainly need to consider something worthwhile replacing attending church regularly if I do continue to go down this route. Thank you.

I’ve found that while at first, it feels temporary, it can quickly become your lifestyle. I casted off a few habits of Mormonism and now I can’t even consider going back to that again. I’m just too comfortable with my new set of habits. This is one situation where the slippery slope applies. It sounds like you will have the outward vestiges of Mormonism, which is great, but I see that crumbling with indefinite time away from church.

I suggest, that rather than go completely inactive, consider pruning the tree. Analyze the habits of your religion that cause you anxiety and cut those things back.

Here are some ways I cut back:

1. No more moving people. A lower back injury and just sick of it all was enough.

2. No accepting callings that are given for the mere convenience of someone else. Accept callings that I feel are valuable, and co-mission with my own desires and goals in the church. It’s much easier to do them well.

3. Avoid and contain those situations that cause anxiety. You know what they are for you. Post about them here and get some ideas, and then deal with them in a way that makes sense to you.

I have certain people who I absolutely avoid given the way they plunged me into depression and ended up contracting pneumonia.

I still go most Sundays now, and have an assignment in the church.

What’s your list?

Thank you for the suggestion. I have felt that at least for the time being, outright avoiding going to church on Sundays is a good start, and by getting involved in ward activities and occasionally poking into sacrament meeting when my wife gives a talk or something like that, will help me slowly get less anxious about the new ward. This could happen again with the next ward we end up in, or it might improve. I don’t know, and this is the first time this has ever happened to me, where I have felt more comfortable skipping church and finding other things to do instead.

I cannot help with moving; i have a bad back and low blood sugar issues.

I told my wife that i am willing to accept a calling that doesn’t require forced interaction with members, such as family history or something. i’m just nervous and anxious about that scout master calling they might guilt trip me into accepting.

Unfortunately, I’ve faced the anxiety of before-sacrament-meeting-starts and after-closing-prayer for long enough that I’m more curious to see what happens if I avoid the whole thing, and eventaully join the parts that don’t force me to interact with people.

I’d do the baby blessing gag, baptize our children, attend the temple, follow the commandments, pray and read scriptures, teach family home evenings and even invite the home teachers and missionaries over for dinner and visits. I love many of the things that Mormons do, and I want that for our family. They need it.

By most definitions it would be hard to say those things are less active

Welcome to the forum. Seriously, I agree with the idea of looking at what triggers your stress and anxiety and eliminate or cut back those things. I was less active (not doing the things you list above) for a period of years. Frankly it wasn’t the answer and did more harm than good to my family. We can’t hide from our issues.

You mentioned sacrament meeting specifically, but you also mentioned the actions/attitudes of some members that bothered you. I’m no expert on all his and I recognize that each ward is different and has its own mini culture. And, we’re all different too and what bothers me might not bother you at all and what I really like you might really dislike. I came to the recognition that my relationship with God (or spirituality if you will) is between me and God and no one else. It did take me awhile to learn to ignore what others say and do at church, and I still can’t always do it all the time – but I can do it most of the time. That sometimes takes literally ignoring – turning on my phone or tablet and looking at or reading something I want to look at or read, something that gives me a message I want. I limit my interaction with those who rub me the wrong way (Pharisees).

I am not opposed to people taking a break or living the gospel the way they see fit. In my mind the gospel and church are different things. If you really need a break from church, by all means do that. Or perhaps it’s a matter of just going to SM (arriving late enough to avoid the greeters) and leaving after that.

Just to be clear, it’s not especially the doctrine in SM that bothers you, rather it’s the people, correct?

less socially active then?

I’m hoping to build up enough courage and confidence and comfort (CCC?) to at least sneak in just before sacrament and leave just before closing hymn or something.

It’s the people, the culture, expectations and attitude that my wife and I have already been hit with enough times, that i am unable to emotionally handle risking having happen again to be able to comfortably go to church, sadly. The doctrine is another story, haha. I have my opinions and frustrations with the church and the doctrine but honestly it’s the people in this situation.

Thank you for the responses so far. This is a decision based on a few factors:

1) We have already been judged and frowned upon for our choices as a young married couple in a previous ward nearby.

2) My wife and I both suffer emotionally with depression, anxity and wanting to hurt ourselves (using that phrase to avoid triggers if anyone is sensitive)

3) I had a panic attack that prevented me from breathing correctly for a few minutes when I thought about scrament meeting in the new ward

4) When our baby was born, I got sick the next day, had low blood sugar, almost puked and wanted to hurt myself and convince myself that my son wasn’t my son. I was not emotionally and medically stable.

5) I feel that I’d rather avoid people and situations forced upon me and instead chose my comfort level for now, to protect myself, herself and our children.

6) My wife grew up with a LA mom and said it was the best gift she could have gotten. Being less active, to my wife, is a great way to help our children develop stronger testimonies and to bond more with dad

7) This isn’t just because I hate people or want to be lazy and buy McDonalds on Sunday. I feel like this could very well be a sacrifice, or even a trial/experience that the Lord may be having me go through. I’ve had a few other sacred trails hpapen this past year that affected our family, but forced us to fight and resulted in us becoming stronger. Maybe this is one of those?

Again, tahnks for the feedback. I hope this helped with more clear context.

I am not just choosing to go less active for the lulz and attention from the WML, rather I am using this as the best way I know for now, to allow myself to take a few deep breaths, look around and analyze my situation and try to understand why i feel the way i do etc. this includes seeking help and trying to solve the problem. My goal isn’t to go less active forever; my goal is to become active and FEEL happy and loved. Which i haven’t for a few years now, and would rather not anxiously attend church with low expectations.

I appreciate your discussion about anxiety, depression, etcetera — that puts it in an even more clear perspective. Do what is best for your personal happiness, and mental/physical health. Church should make us stronger, not weaken us or make us miserable.