New Ward

My 17 year old just had her records moved to a different ward. Current ward youth were fairly hateful to her. The current ward suggested to my husband that the entire family have their records moved too. ASAP. He agreed and the records were moved within the HOUR. Literally.

Rather than feeling like this is about love and support, it feels like they just want to get rid of the “problem” family — the family whose wife doesnt attend church and whose daughter is an Aspergers kiddo.

My daughter is sure that the new ward met her and her dad and decided that they wanted both of them. She is such a Pollyanna sometimes.

How come I feel like Eeyore?

I think marriages are always a balance between the two spouses. If he’s permissive, you have to be the disciplinarian (and vice-versa). If she’s positive, he has to be the one bringing everyone back to earth. Your husband’s a very positive guy, so it’s no wonder you feel like the Eeyore. It’s not really because you are; it’s just the balance and contrast between you. If you were in a different situation (or he were less positive), things would shift.

It looks like something has changed with church admin. It used to take an act of God to move records to a ward other than the one where you were geographically located, YSA and ethnic units excepted. Interesting.

It looks like something has changed with church admin. It used to take an act of God to move records to a ward other than the one where you were geographically located, YSA and ethnic units excepted. Interesting.

It still does – almost literally (the FP is supposed to approve all such changes). Out here in the “mission field” some places are much more lax about it. We have a high councilor whose records are in a different ward than the one he attends without the required act. There are several examples around the stake where people go to another ward for various reasons (or maybe no reason at all).

That said, I am interested in hearing more about AP’s situation and how this came about. It does seem a bit unusual.

Either way, the world needs Eeyores.

Expanded Version:

We had been in the old ward for 8 years. I always had leadership positions or over some committee, etc. DH has always taught HP. We have always done our HT/VT and show up early and prepared for whatever we were assigned to do.

Our only kiddo still home has been shunned the entire time. I’ve had other parents come and apologize for the actions of their own kids and how they treated my daughter. Each time there was an apology, there was also an excuse. “My daughter just really wants to fit in and she cannot do that if she is nice to your daughter”. “I just found out my kid isn’t being kind to your daughter, that is terrible, but my daughter just really is very different from your daughter”. “Now that my daughter is away at college, I want to tell you that I did recognize that she didn’t treat your daughter very well. In fact, my kid behaved like a BRAT. Oh, BTW .. She is really enjoying college”

My daughter is an Aspergers kiddo but she is barely on the spectrum. She interns at a biomedical lab, takes a full AP/dual enrollment load of classes, and heads up/plans/runs/DMs a therapy D & D group for 15 teens in the spectrum. She has made the D & D group into a truly therapeutic social group for those 15 kids. Those parents are thrilled and amazed with her abilities.

Her strengths, weaknesses, and interests are not the ward average. The other girls all have iPhones. She has a Samsung. They use Facebook. She is on Reddit. They are in band. She was asked to join the Academic Decathlon. She is very capable and very kind. She also misses many nuances and social cues.

Between processing historical issues of the church and seeing my daughter socal struggles, I couldn’t discuss anything meaningful to me in church and I didn’t feel that I could play nice with the parents of kids who were hateful to my kid. I quit attending church services 18 months ago. Daughter quit attending seminary and YW about that same time. There has been nothing but crickets. It felt like I got added to the shunning. YW leaders did take daughter out for ice cream one evening. They expected that to fix the problem.

Daughter tried attending a different ward that meets in the same building and liked the fact that the YW were welcoming. First Sunday, the YW leaders asked her to stand and say where she was visiting from. She named the old ward and said she was trying a new ward to get away from hateful people. One of the YW asked “who is in that ward?” Another girl answered, “oh that is MH and SM and JN and JG.” The entire group of YW nodded and said “oh yeah … they are mean”.

I emailed the old ward and asked for formal permission for daughter to attend the new ward. That was granted. Then bishopric member saw husband in the hall and suggested family records be moved. Husband agreed with that plan. It was done same day. Literally the same day.

Only change for me .. missionaries are suddenly trying to “friend” me on FB and they left a note on our door last week.

So .. records moved and suddenly I’m on “the list” for the missionaries.

None of this feels loving, kind, or Christian in approach.

I’ve always kinda laughed when people talked about members leaving because “they were offended”. Well .. I guess I qualify. I am offended by this long 8 year saga of events.

Hawk girl, DH is truly an optimist. Sometimes in the best sense and sometimes in the worst sense. He had a really hard time thinking anything other that goodness about the church and members. I do not have that same struggle.

Hawk girl, DH is truly an optimist. Sometimes in the best sense and sometimes in the worst sense. He had a really hard time thinking anything other that goodness about the church and members. I do not have that same struggle.

That’s often true in my marriage as well. I’m much more confrontational in general, even if we are in agreement with each other about something (a conflict with other people). He’ll sit back and think it, and I’ll lean in and say it. But often my more direct style also means I feel more strongly about things than he does. I articulate things faster. Looking at us from the outside, most people would probably still say we are both pretty chill and laid back, but if you see us in a conflict with other people or an ideology, I am the outspoken one, and he’s the one who seems ambivalent. That contrast makes me the Eeyore like you. It’s not because it’s accurate–it’s just the comparison to the person you are always with. Others can interpret his lack of directness as disagreement with me or as agreement with them. Not saying things is perhaps passive-aggressive on his part at times, or he just doesn’t care as much as I do about things and always sees the best in other people or doesn’t want to “make waves” when I think it’s better to get things out in the open. I don’t generally get accused of being passive-aggressive.

AP – there is no shame in wanting to be cared for, respected, or treated with courtesy. Wanting that does not make you an Eeyore.

I have a son on the spectrum. Also high functioning. Like you DH and I served willingly, generously, and sincerely. As adults it served us well. For the kids, it didn’t matter. I don’t believe my kids experience was quite what yours was, but some of it is so close. My oldest daughter is active but is just fine if we skip church when we are here. Or if we just go to Sacrament Meeting and then exit at the Amen. But in other wards she has been happy.

My other 2 kids are fully inactive. The son on the spectrum nearly mirrors your daughter’s experience. His only upside was another boy was also “unique” everyone just lumped them together. The final straw came when my son and husband were at a Scout Camping Trip, and one of the leaders said to my husband (my husband was a die hard scout – then scout master) “I can’t believe I got called over the troop with the handicapped kids.” Son nor spouse left immediately, but the final wheels were coming off the bus by then. Now neither of them attend. My son directly because of it. DH because of the standard faith crisis issues. The scout thing he could have fixed. But by the time the church looks so different it doesn’t matter – it didn’t matter. My son connected with a theater group, made some sincere friendships and hasn’t looked back since.

What your feeling is genuine Mama Bear. Own it. Nothing wrong with you.

Going to another ward is perhaps a good thing. It is better for you than the church – I doubt you’re that much of a problem (we had a genuine problem here but said problem is now a jailbird and rightly so. I doubt you guys are in that order of magnitude.)

It reminds me of when I was at school. I dropped a year. Best thing I ever did there. My grades improved and I also got in with a nicer bunch of people… don’t know what it was but the class I used to be in was full of bullies… strange how one class can be like that and another, another way.