10-15 minutes on faith crises and what to do about them

Scripture about listening:

James 1:19

I don’t think there’s any way to completely help prevent a faith crisis, I think it’s important that members remember everyone has their agency. Sometimes people are going to leave and that’s their decision. The main thing that I think helps is having people who will listen and empathize with us. Also having people who truly can be okay with our decisions without an air about them seeming like they are quietly judging us and we are their project. Another thing that never makes for a good tactic of getting people back is guilt or fear. Even if it does work, it most likely won’t be lasting. People have to come to their own decisions on their own. Like you said, it helps having people who listen and don’t judge us. That was kind of all over but hopefully something was helpful. That would be a tough lesson to give while in the middle of a faith crisis. It seems like it’d be difficult to not give yourself away. I wish you luck!

When I first had my faith crisis (I would rather call it a belief crisis) I was serving as a counselor in a bishopric. I had my feet knocked out from under me, but for a bit I got back on my feat and I assumed I would regain my footing (that didn’t happen). But at this point I asked if I could give a 5th Sunday (3rd hour of the block ~1 hour) on “shaken faith syndrome” – based a bit on the book by Michael Ash.

I focused only about 2 minutes on “issues” (I think I mentioned the rock in the hat and some issues with race and the priesthood), but didn’t make a big deal of them. I think I said, “everyone is going to have their own issues”. Instead I wanted to focus on what it FEELS like to have a faith crisis and what believing members should and should not do.

I think you MUST read from DFU when he discredits the theories that those that leave MUST have sinned, become lazy, etc. I think from there you can start touching on what could – in very general terms. Past leaders blatantly contradicting current teachings, concerns over Blacks and the priesthood and temple ban, and it seems to me you really should add polygamy.

I really emphasized how emotionally hard it was to lose a part of what was your identity and how someone in that position does NOT need judgement, nor a call to read/pray more. They need to hear, “that sounds like it would be hard to deal with!” as in compassion EVEN IF YOU DON’T AGREE WITH THE PERSONS TAKE ON THE TOPIC. They need less “let me tell you how you can feel OK about xyz” and more compassion.

It seems like it went over well and the bishop gave it a thumbs up and even said that several people said they actually liked it. I passed on to the SP that I would be willing to give this at the Saturday night adult meeting before stake conference, but he has not taken me up on it.

We had a speaker address this in a recent stake conference adult session. His talk was about 10 minutes, and he did admirably IMO.

He framed the whole thing around his sister with whom he said he is very close. He did not go into detail about her issues, but did reference the temple in that regard. His sister is active, married, children, holds a TR, calling, etc. He described her feelings as a constant internal tension between that which she believes is of Christ and that which she believes might not be (his terminology). I was actually a bit surprised he was that blunt but it did not seem to meet with resistance (he actually said his sister believes some of the temple stuff is not of Christ). He also said his sister is active because of the good she sees in the church and that which she does believe are of Christ. He mostly focused his thoughts on mourning with those who mourn, not judging, and being willing to listen.

The bishop has requested that I describe them specifically using the analogy to death of a loved one….

I think you’re in a really tough spot. The death of a loved one is pretty darn good for describing the crisis emotionally but not intellectually.

I guess my hope would be that you can touch very lightly on the loved one analogy and move on to other things. The loved one analogy isn’t bad, but it still puts the doubter in the wounded, weakened position.

That’s just the first thing that comes to mind. It’s great they’re giving you a platform and I have no doubt you will make good use of the time.

I knew I was right about all of you. So many good ideas. Thank you!

Principle: Be quick to listen, and slow to speak and to anger (James 1:19).

Principle: Love casts out fear (1 John 4, Moroni .

The bishop has requested that I describe them specifically using the analogy to death of a loved one….

I think you’re in a really tough spot. The death of a loved one is pretty darn good for describing the crisis emotionally but not intellectually.

I guess my hope would be that you can touch very lightly on the loved one analogy and move on to other things. The loved one analogy isn’t bad, but it still puts the doubter in the wounded, weakened position.

I feel I should point out that emotionally, members in the middle of a faith crisis are actually in a wounded, weakened position.

But I struggle with this, too. I really want them to understand people like me. Here’s how I make peace with it: I’ll settle for baby steps like acceptance and loving instead of fearing. Regarding someone in crisis as having experienced the death of a loved one motivates all kinds of good behavior, and I hope that any bad behavior eventually gets replaced by mutual respect.

I don’t think we’ll be able to do better than this for a long time yet.

Probably the best outcomes will come from raising awareness

I agree…with 10-15min…there is not time to explain the FC and all it’s possible forms. But I would probably approach it as talking to the ward members on things to be aware of, that perhaps many just dismiss…in fact…knee jerk judgments and reactions are typically the problem. It wouldn’t BE A PROBLEM in the church if the church leaders and members really dealt with this topic very well. It would just be another thing we do in the church. Meaning…we do things like teach missionary lessons to people at various stages in belief and desire and faith.

I would focus on helping members look at it this way…and not lump all FC into very simplistic things and miss the point…that it is OK for people to have various stages of faith, and various timeframes they are working on.

The problem i see with with the “mourning the death of a loved one” analogy is it sounds so final. And faith isn’t final. Beliefs and faith are alive, and growing and changing, and spouses go through changes with each other and work through that.

In other words…if the view is “FC = huge loss and sadness” …that may be the focus of a 10min lesson…don’t make it so black and white…so final…so alarming. The scriptures are full of various lessons of faith waning and growing, going through cycles, and developing and being challenged…it should be viewed as quite normal…and yet…we seem to talk about it like it is a death.

So…perhaps…the “awareness” part is making categories of things about FC and people going through them for that mind shift on viewing them on a sliding scale…not in bubbles that are categories so finite people get pigeon holed into them. Becuase your FC is not the same is mine. They are as unique as the individuals who have health issues or are healthy…it is a sliding scale.

This would not be focused on explaining “Why people have a FC”…because there are so many variables and situations, just like we don’t try to explain “Why someone got cancer…but more just move forward treating and supporting”. And based on a cancer diagnosis…it could be LEvel 4 and not much time to live (you handle that one way), or earlier levels you catch and treat differently. Not all are the same, not all are preventable, not all are somone’s “fault”.

To be honest, a normal life situation that randomly happens to people as they go through life is a better analogy than “death” which is so final. The person is not “dead” or changed or a project or has a problem.

Maybe that is part of your awareness…FC is NOT final, it is not something to fear, it is not leprosy and contagious, it is not always “sad”. It is often normal and growth opportunities for some. Maybe there can be categories on a chalkboard:

1. On the far extreme…there may be very angry and ANTI- people (betrayed, serious shock from learning something about the church, offended) – perhaps like your brother…if they are campaigning to pull others out of the church. Use Korihor as an example…these people may need to be avoided or they may be taught with love and may eventually reveal their anger was misplaced and they knew all along God existed…they just had their own agenda. You can’t verbally win a war of words with them…but you can hold on to truth and share your testimony…and let truth prevail. Sometimes let love and time do the healing, not us. Use Pres Uchtdorf’s Ensign message about “In the Middle” give us perspective that eternity is a long time to work things out with our relationship with God. Some people need space and time and it is OK.

2. Perhaps in the middle is people not so angry or hating the church…but not so engaged and don’t believe everything. THey have their reasons (so many various ones we shouldn’t even try to judge them…it’s a low probability we would judge it correctly). But they don’t want to be projects, and they don’t want HT/VT stopping by constantly. They don’t want guilt. They don’t want pat answers of “read scriptures” or “go to the temple” They kinda want to be left alone, and may not be ready to respond to invitations…until they find a friend they can trust, and a reason why church impacts their life in a positive way. Telling them they have to come to church “just because” is not gonna work. Make the ward a place that is so loving…they find they want it. Otherwise, spare them the obligatory invitations, and just be their neighbor.

3. Perhaps the third category closest to the church (not the far extreme) – is a group that WANTS to believe…but struggles for various reasons. Scriptures like Mark 9:24 “help thou my unbelief”. These may actively want open discussions, studying, talking, have an ear to listen to as they work out their own faith issues, and just want a coach to be there for them.

I guess the takeaway message for the ward on all these is that as a ward…we should be working on what WE DO to make it easy for those who travel on their road and journey. We do not need to look at them as “broken” or “lost”. Not all that wander are lost, says Gandalf.

It does not mean we do nothing. We should reach out. But understanding the issues are so various…the mindset change should be to know it is not FINAL (like death), and it is not always something to be so alarmed and worried about. We scare them away if we react like they are sick.

IDK…just writing thoughts…there are lots of directions I would go with it. It just seems like it is more and more common…we should be able to openly talk about FC without people gasping. It’s ok. It happens. A lot. It is part of life. The ward can love others, and make it a church of love, not a church of fear.

The allegory of the tame and wild olive trees suggests that the covenant people would die off…if not strengthened by the “wild trees” at times. So we shouldn’t think all is well is zion and we don’t have our own issues. Sometimes the people who have FC have things to teach us too. We should focus on christ-like principles…not black and white thinking and rules and demarcation lines with individuals.

IDK…maybe there isn’t a great way to really talk about it. I’m interested in what you settle on, and what is meaningful to the faithful who attend and wonder why anyone else wouldn’t just love going to church all the time.

This is a good discussion. My faith crisis became a faith transition and that’s where I’m at right now. A young women who’s close to her 40s (a few years younger than me) makes costumes for cartoon characters, fantasy movies, whatever. Beautiful woman. She’s aged well so far. She showed up in an Elsa costume from the Disney movie Frozen for my great niece’s birthday party. She looked cute in it. She sang with my great niece and her friends. Just entertained them. My parents who are more traditional members of the church thought it was cute (I’ll explain what I mean in a second.). She and her husband resigned from the church a long time ago. Her husband faith crisis or transition started when he began studying complex Christian history. In fact he even wrote a book called The Myths of Christianity: A Five Thousand Year Journey To Find The Son of God. Really good, informative book by the way! I emailed him and asked if he was still a member of the church. He told me he resigned because he couldn’t reconcile being a member of the church with his beliefs after this kind of study. So eventually his wife followed and her parents and younger sister resigned. Her dad was such a devout convert to the church. He used to be a counselor in my single adult branch presidency. Kevin Kloosterman from the next family ward over from me had served in the presidency with the man. But what’s so funny, though, it that if you see this young woman I’m talking about you would still think she’s a member of the church by her cheerful outgoing personality and she still has a glow to me. Some members of the church might judge her because Elsa’s costume does have a little cleavage. My parents (who are more traditional members than I am) and I didn’t judge her for it. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just smitten by attractive girls. Hahah.