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My son-in-law has hit the wall with regard to the church. He is well educated (Doctorate in a health related field), mission, very TBM parents, strong testimony, etc. That all came crashing down when he was studying for his youth SS class he teaches. He was teaching on the creation, and had some questions about “death before Adam”. So he started to search the internet, and found stuff about the BofA, the CES letter, FAIR, the LDS essays, etc. Sound familiar?
He has asked to be released from his calling after talking with the bishop, who did NOT want to hear his problems.
He is now deciding whether he wants to even be a member of a church “that was built on lies” My daughter is OK with this, as she, being her fathers daughter, is very open minded, and knew lots of the problems already. Their only disagreement is what to do with the kids.
Last night he asked my how I stayed active in the church. I told him I found more good than harm, and that I am the very definition of a “cafeteria Mormon” Right now he feels that he can’t live a lie. SS and Priesthood Lessons are painful for him.
This has all happened in a matter of 4 weeks so its very traumatic for him. Although he said his would view has expanded. He said while he was homophobic and raciest due to church teachings, he now sees everybody in a different light.
It will be an interesting time in the next several month as he sorts out his place. He ask how I stayed sane at church. I told him I made sure there was no lies perpetuated in classroom discussion, and asked hard questions in class to make people think outside the box. That and family have kept me going.
Another one bites the dust, so to speak. “If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny….” Sheldon wrote:
I told him I found more good than harm, and that I am the very definition of a “cafeteria Mormon”I think this is key – most of us here have reached some level of staying because of the good and choosing what we believe.
Quote:Right now he feels that he can’t live a lie.
As is evident here by many posters here, this is a tough one – especially for the newly disaffected. I only sort of when through this phase and it was while I was inactive and therefore not really “living the lie” anyway. To some extent I don’t get it, yet I do understand why people seem to feel this way. For me recognizing that despite common perception the church really is not all or nothing makes the difference.
Quote:It will be an interesting time in the next several month as he sorts out his place. He ask how I stayed sane at church. I told him I made sure there was no lies perpetuated in classroom discussion, and asked hard questions in class to make people think outside the box. That and family have kept me going.
Also sound advice.
I also think it’s great that he turned to you for advice. As a SS teacher I would probably have a harder time this year than the other three, but I think it mostly can be done with careful preparation. When my own FC hit I was also a SS teacher and also asked for a release (and didn’t take no for an answer). I hope your SIL can find peace.
DarkJedi wrote:
Quote:Sheldon wrote: ↑10 Apr 2017, 13:20
I told him I found more good than harm, and that I am the very definition of a “cafeteria Mormon”
I think this is key – most of us here have reached some level of staying because of the good and choosing what we believe.
I also think this is the key…I think people who stumble across it need to have a vision ahead towards finding peace…not just be consumed with all the things the church
isn’t. Keep talking to him about using the word “AND”.
The church history isn’t as clean as we thought it was …AND… the church can still be more good than harm.
There are real problematic doctrines that were taught in the past by prophets …AND… we can learn a lot from the truth to be found.
Part of the transition is finding the nuanced view…and realizing the monochrome view is out-dated and too simplistic for our current world.
It is good you can talk to him.
Send him our way, Sheldon! We’d love to have him join us. I just want to add the a nuanced or middle way is not for everybody. It is good that he has you and his wife to help him make a soft landing – wherever that might be for him. Roy wrote:
I just want to add the a nuanced or middle way is not for everybody. It is good that he has you and his wife to help him make a soft landing – wherever that might be for him.
This. Also, there are degrees of nuance both in and out of the church. Holding on to the good is not mutually exclusive with ending up outside of mormonism.
Sheldon wrote:Last night he asked my how I stayed active in the church.
I still believe that reducing the Church footprint in your life is a huge stress reliever. Huge. Reduce the amount of time you give it in your life, and fill that time with other meaningful, spiritual activities.
It’s like you have a new girlfriend, the new service opportunity. The old one — you are still friends, but the fulfilment is with the new girlfriend.
You aren’t living a lie — you are living the church to the extent your belief enables, on a reduced effort program that is consistent with what it “deserves” for lack of a better word….
I sort of managed last year teaching GD by just sticking to moral lessons and avoiding any discussion of historicity of the BoM. This year it got too hard so I asked to be released. Church for me now is mainly based on community. These are some of the best, most decent people I know and are Christian in every sense of the word. I can HT without any problem and my other calling with the scouts is no issue. I got over being angry a long time ago and now just see the church as another good alternative in the Christian spectrum. Hopefully your SIL will just give it some time, maybe take a break for awhile either just going to sacrament meeting or no church at all until the dust settles. GBSmith wrote:
I sort of managed last year teaching GD by just sticking to moral lessons and avoiding any discussion of historicity of the BoM. This year it got too hard so I asked to be released. Church for me now is mainly based on community. These are some of the best, most decent people I know and are Christian in every sense of the word. I can HT without any problem and my other calling with the scouts is no issue. I got over being angry a long time ago and now just see the church as another good alternative in the Christian spectrum. Hopefully your SIL will just give it some time, maybe take a break for awhile either just going to sacrament meeting or no church at all until the dust settles.
I have done the same. I can do the Teachers’ Council without much trouble because it’s about the nuts and bolts of teaching. Sure there is the Spirit in it, but the Spirit is universal, so I can talk about it, and even invite it, and have it come to my lessons without any problems.
Help him stay, but encouraging him to see the church as a means for achieving happiness — happiness as defined by him — and saying “yes” to those assignments that make him happy. Help him get over the stigma of saying “no” to things. I have done that.
Sheldon wrote:
He is now deciding whether he wants to even be a member of a church “that was built on lies.”
Obviously what he needs most are the love, empathy, and patience of the people closest to him. But when he’s up for talking about a statement like above, I think it would be interesting to focus on “built” instead of “lies.” Does he think he will find another church that wasn’t built? By terribly flawed humans. What are the implications of that?I’m still a hair’s breadth away from deciding that I simply want a church with a different builder, but zooming out and looking at all organized religion with the same critical eye I’ve been casting on Mormonism has been very helpful. And sometimes it’s so interesting that I forget to feel panicked and pressured about my own situation.
Sheldon wrote:
He is now deciding whether he wants to even be a member of a church “that was built on lies.”
That’s a tough one.
[img]http://www.kidzone.ws/animals/monarc1.jpg [/img] 
[img]http://www.kidzone.ws/animals/monarch_pupa.jpg [/img] 
[img]http://www.kidzone.ws/animals/monarch2.jpg [/img] To say each of the images above is of the same thing wouldn’t be entirely true.
To say each of the images above is of something different wouldn’t be entirely true either.
I think the only way that the church has made it this far is because the church has been true for many people, for many generations. The church was built on truth and the church was built on lie, depending largely on perspective.
I understand the sentiment though. Transitions are tough, especially when in a very demanding organization. It can be hard for people to not reflect on sacrifices made in the name of furthering a cause when the cause appears to change out from under them.
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