Children with shelves

First of all, welcome to the forum! It’s an awesome ward.

Having my father to talk to has eased the blow, and in asking him why he never told me the full truth! I have learned that there is no easy way to tell anyone the truth and shatter their world, and it’s just as painful to be the one who delivers it. I now understand that he didn’t want that for me, he didn’t want me to bear that cross.

These are good reasons. Another is the backfire effect: people tend to feel attacked and will dig in when presented evidence that contradicts their core beliefs.

We have also told most family and friends, we keep it as vague as possible, they don’t know what we believe or no longer believe, only that our beliefs have changed. Our ward is also slowly finding out because we are getting love bombed 😆 little do they know that we are not going anywhere and we will be the ones raising our hands and correcting them during their lessons. The bishop wants to meet with us, it should go well as we are sticking to our outline of ambiguity, and he was scared to hear my husbands doubts to begin with.

I have experience telling an awesome bishop, but I’ve read an awful lot of stories from people for whom it didn’t go well.

The biggest danger is a power struggle. You probably no longer recognize your bishop’s spiritual and moral authority. Your bishop does, and expects you to as well. This disparity is a good thing to keep in mind, but likely not a good thing to talk about with him.

Another good thing to keep in mind is that he does have organizational authority. Too many members forget this and get defiant, stick it to the man by sticking it to the bishop, etc., initiating the power struggle themselves. (I believe my brother did this.)

I think keeping it vague is a good move. Well-meaning members will want to fix you, but if they try, it’ll just drive a wedge between you and them. If they don’t have enough details, they won’t know where to start.

If you want to have a temple recommend, check out the sticky thread at the top of History and Doctrine Discussions.

I don’t have anything especially wise to say, just that I totally get how distressing this is. Keep on keeping on. Find peace.

Welcome Ashley! Glad to have you here. I really liked your post (you take after your dad as I like his most all the time). It sounds like you have your feet under you and you and your family will do fine despite some occasional bumps.

You also helped me a bit on my quandary of what do I tell my children. They are very soon to be all out of their teens. One came to me (but not his TBM mom) and has told me he has almost nothing of a testimony left, but is still being orthopraxy and “keeping it all inside.”

I do see myself needing to come a bit more clean with my kids, but I feel I need to let my wife get a bit past the shock of me coming out to her as a non-believer first. I also want to balance that with her getting mad if she ever feels like I pushed any of the kids out of the church.

First of all, welcome to the forum! It’s an awesome ward.

Are we a ward or just a branch? I know we have TONS of inactive members (lurkers ) so we are just like a ward. Maybe we should all contribute to an advertising promotion and get a billboard on I15 to increase our numbers? He he he

Isn’t this shelf metaphor being a bit overdone?

For many it is exactly the way it feels. But I acknowledge for those that the analogy doesn’t fit them it probably feels like, “come on..”

My pet peeve is using the term, “mental gymnastics”. I think a better term would be, “mental contortions.” Gymnastics generally are beautiful to watch and probably good for the gymnast when they do it good. Contortions just are painful for me to watch and I can’t think it feels good for the person doing it. But I could be wrong and the contortionist enjoys being able to make their body do what they do to it.

Welcome Ashley! So glad to have you join us. We love Sheldon. We think he’s the Cat’s Pajamas.

For me, shelving is the process of ignoring doubts that arise when faced with evidence that contradicts my world view. In doing so, I trust that my world view can be maintained, while the evidence I see is either inaccurate, or incomplete. This is seen in what psychologists refer to as “Cognitive Dissonance”, the “Backfire Effect”, “Doublethink”, “Confirmation Bias”, etc.

In the Church, this is often treated as noble. We’ve felt what we refer to as “The Spirit”, which confirms the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, and by extension, the whole Church. Therefore, any evidence contrary to the truthfulness of the Church, must be either incorrect or incomplete. And so we brush our concerns aside, trusting it will all make sense in the end.

With your children, the whole faith transition process is a painful one. No one likes to have their world crash down around them. It is far easier to ignore or refute concerns, no matter how legitimate. There will always be resistance. Love them. Be kind. Show them you understand where they are coming from. Emphathize. Best of luck on your jouney. The path isn’t easy, but I can promise it will be worth it.

Welcome ashley! Good to have you here and thanks for sharing your story. I look forward to learning more from your posts.

We have learned a lot from each other. I think that is the key – learning. Some seasons of this transition are intense. Other times it is calm and you think it’s done, then whoosh something comes in.

I agree with mom3.

I think we want things to be final…like the church is true and so you just stay on the straight and narrow and endure to the end…straight forward. It’s a nice vision to have. Then life happens.

On the converse, sometimes we think…I don’t think the church is true…so I stop going and life will be less stressful. But then life happens and we think …

My inactive daughter recently mentioned that she missed camaraderie with the church

…and we often don’t really know what to expect without the church and what life stuff is still there to deal with.

The important thing is to figure out…what do you believe in? What do you want for your family? How do you have traditions and spirituality and rituals to bind the family together beyond just drudgery of life? What vision will the children have growing up with more truth available to them?

We often say on this forum…”trade up”. So…as the family goes through the changes…can you StayLDS and find the value in the staying…so it isn’t just a chore to do to keep up appearances to others, but it actually has some utility for your daily life and worth the effort? Some of that is a choice on what to do next. Discard what wasn’t working for you, and trade up to something better.

I believe the “middle way” is not feigning faith…but finding new meaning on what was old and previously shattered, re-engaging with a personal and unique faith that has meaning and purpose because the prior meaning has been lost to you.

Good luck…keep us posted. Good things are ahead when you find what works best for your family’s peace and happiness…in whatever way works for you.

I’m trying to remember this as I heal ” You either get bitter or get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you.”

I love this. I am an odd type that sees value in the struggle, enough that at times I feel myself resisting a change in the church that would make it more accommodating to those of us who see things differently than the average member. I am the parent that hopes my children can experience the life changing struggles and rise out of them to new heights. It is common for parents to want to pave a smooth path for their children in life, to give them “everything”. I have seen what “success” in that effort can do, and I’m probably judging but I see those children grow into underdeveloped adults.

Welcome!

I’ve just read all the comments, thank you for all of your advice and kind words. I can’t figure out how to quote more than one person at a time? I’ll have to have my dad show me how 😳

Welcome, Ashley.

I have six kids whose views cover a wide range. My most outspoken feminist (son) is fully active; my quieter son cares deeply about LGBTQ+ issues and currently is inactive.

People deal how people deal – individually. I hope this site helps you in some way.