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I intercepted some texts between my husband and another woman about a week and a half ago. It was a Thursday, and our oldest son was supposed to be getting his endowments on Saturday. Sadly, this ain’t our first rodeo… He has been mostly faithful but I’m done and I told him that. There’s too much history with his temper, his neediness, his addiction. So I was pretty quick deciding that it’s time for divorce. I’ve prayed, I’ve felt very calm and resolved that this is right. Here’s what’s bugging me: last night he got a blessing from the same friend who gave me one after I found him out. He came home to tell me that the blessing basically said that if he can really change, recover, be the whole person, that he can have me back. He said he knows we need a separation but can I give him time? Another chance? He’s had 21 years of chances. I’m done. I want to get on with my life. I simply don’t feel like in some distant future, I could be with him again and it irritated and hurt that he felt like he could just walk in and put that expectation on me. The other thing that’s really got me is when I spoke to a member of the Stake presidency. His first piece of advice was for me to get with my “DH” and have a heart to heart. He’s been working out of town and coming home on weekends for a few months while we sell our house-we just got an offer and I was about to go look for houses- This church leader seemed to think DH would have an easier time being faithful if I were closer to him geographically… Right now I feel like it’s ok for me to be walked on, emotionally dragged around, humiliated. Based on the blessing he got along with the sad advice that Church leader (don’t know the acronym for stake presidency counselor), that there are some pretty pathetic expectations here. Any comments, advice? If this isn’t super clear let me know. I’m barely hanging on. Why am I a member of this church? I’m so sorry this happened. I have to side with you, it really sounds like he’s had enough chances and you’ve been putting up with it for 21 years. There’s a point where you can’t pay attention to words anymore. Church people tend to push for members to stay together and forgive each other, but I think there comes a point where enough is enough. People can only take so much betrayal and lying. Even if you choose to forgive him, that doesn’t mean it’s best to stay together. Again, I’m so sorry your husband has been such a scumbag. Wishing you healing and peace in whatever you decide. Thanks. He told me that God wants families to stay together. I don’t disagree, but to what extent? What do my kids and I have to put up with? I want to forgive. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being bitter. I want to part on good terms, it’s better for everyone that way. Divorce isn’t the end of eternity like we sometimes make it out to be. “You’re breaking up our eternal family!” falls rather flat when you’re divorcing over continued infidelity. Who was jeopardizing the relationship, again? My only questions have to do with making it work in this life. How dependent are you on him? Do you have a current skill set you can use to make money? Do you trust him to come through on support payments? Will he co-parent the children?
I am sorry for your situation. I find any advice that I could give to be woefully inadequate. I just feel that you are the person that is closest to the situation and who knows best how salvageable it is. I would recommend reviewing options and studying them out as Rueben had mentioned. What might option A look like? Option B? C? Cost benefit analysis? Then you can make your decision based on thoughtful reasoning and deliberations. Maybe fast and pray about it if that helps you. Ultimately the decision should be yours… a decision that you can own and live with because there are consequences (good and bad) no matter what you do.
Roy wrote:
Ultimately the decision should be yours… a decision that you can own and live with because there are consequences (good and bad) no matter what you do.
This point is important. It’s very easy to tell people what to do when you don’t have to live with the decision day-to-day.
Though not necessarily for the same reasons, ensuring that the decision is yours is also Church policy. If you need to, you can remind your local leaders that the decision to divorce “must originate and remain with the individual.” (This is in Handbook 1, so technically you’re not supposed to have access… but it’s also on Wikipedia.) The passage in question comes down against divorce overall, but “must… remain” means they shouldn’t try to butt in.
I think that YOU have to decide and go forward with that. I think each of us has a history and that pushes us to give different advice. But I can’t help but say “get on with your life” and don’t let a church that leans heavy on the “stay together and it will work out” as the default answer. So sorry you have had to go through this. I hope you have a good friend to lean on. Sending hugs.
Do get with a lawyer first as sometimes you can make decisions that have consequences with a divorce.
*take this and any other advice with a grain of salt.
I was too busy asking searching questions earlier, but… I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I can only imagine what it’s like, and I’m probably not imagining it being awful enough. I wish I could do more than just put words on your screen. I really appreciate your help here. I almost couldn’t believe that those words came out of his mouth, but I still could. At least he’s gone for another week. I told him not to talk to me about God, religion, or keeping families together. He apologized. I know him too well to accept an apology yet, but I will forgive. I don’t need this poison in my life. How on earth can someone promise someone else that YOU will act in a certain way in a PH blessing? You have agency. You aren’t a pawn on a chess board. Your actions aren’t his to promise. Sounds to me like that counselor doesn’t understand that your choices aren’t a blessing that can be promised to your DH based on his faithfulness. He doesn’t get how it works. The decision to divorce with continued infidelity is difficult, but sounds like you know your own situation better than any of us do, and I agree 100% with the comment above that YOU aren’t the one who cheated. YOU aren’t the one breaking up an “eternal family.”
I wish you the best.
I too am sorry that this has happened to you. It’s not what you bargained for, and who would? You have no more control over his agency than he has of yours. I can only echo what others have said – you know him, you know your situation, you are in the best place to make the decision – and it is
yourdecision. The only thing I would caution against is blaming
the churchfor actions or words of individuals. The guy who gave the blessing and the SPC who gave his advice are just giving their opinions and they are not professionals. I find that most “church teachings” are not church teachings at all – they are mostly the opinions of men (and much more infrequently women). Jesus never asked anyone to be a doormat. Like DJ said, don’t confuse the church or even “the priesthood” with this. Even laying on of hands blessings. Whatever decision you make needs to be what you feel best about. Plenty of LDS divorces happen and the families do just fine. Infidelity is only one marriage conflict (and it sucks, too).
Either road you take will have ups and downs. Restarting life has challenges, but you are also in the drivers seat. I know plenty of wonderful remarried couples and families.
I am not advocating either choice, only stating that one man’s opinion about marriage sanctity is just that – one man’s opinion.
Years ago my husband’s job transferred us far away from my home and family. I wasn’t happy about it. The Relief Society President took it upon herself to remind me that President Kimball had said married children needed to live on their own. I was living on my own. My husband and I didn’t reside with my family. We weren’t even in the same ward or stake (and I had friends who were). I was ticked at her. Who was she to quote prophet claims to me when she didn’t have a clue about me.
It took me a lot of years to realize she meant well. She probably was always being called on to soothe and advice sisters and families. Ironically my brother would become her teenage sons high school teacher. She was quite a smothering mother. My point is, like everyone else’s here, if you think it’s time to go. Go. Don’t worry about messing up eternity. You won’t. And Mr. SPC – may just find in time he really didn’t know what he was talking about.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’ve known many couples at this point of going through divorce for many different reasons and there is no telling what the outcome will be like. You definitely shouldn’t be a doormat and be taken advantage of. I agree with what has been said you know the situation, will things change if you stay together? How do you really treat each other as people? Some decisions are almost made for us when we look at them objectively. Think out all the decisions your head and the one that brings you peace is the one that you should follow. But like others have said I don’t know you and I don’t know your situation so my advice is only from an outsiders point of view with what little information I have.
I don’t envy the choice that you have to make and the pain that is associated with your current situation and decision-making but I do wish you all the best and hope that the outcome is the one that is the best for everyone involved.
Only you know what’s best for you, no amount of priesthood can tell you otherwise. hang in there and follow your gut… Reuben wrote:
My only questions have to do with making it work in this life. How dependent are you on him? Do you have a current skill set you can use to make money? Do you trust him to come through on support payments? Will he co-parent the children?
I”m sorry you are going through this. I have just a few quick comments although some of it’s more or less been said already.
Most church people you talk to, especially the SP will tell you to stay together and work things out. Those are their opinions, nothing more. You are the only one that can decide when enough is enough.
People will say, God doesn’t want families to break up. Well does God want marriages to be like the one you (and so many others) are living? Of course not.
As far as the questions above, as I have had to ask myself similar questions somewhat recently, I decided those were very poor reasons for staying in a marriage. Often times it’s just easiest to stay where you are rather than making life harder. But eventually, if you make the right decisions, things will get better.
If for some reason you do decide to stay in the marriage I would sit down and figure out where the real issues lie. Unless there are other unknown addictions affecting his behavior, fixing the marriage won’t be as simple as living closer geographically. Read the books the 5 love languages and His Needs, Her Needs. Read them together. Figure out what is missing and what can be fixed and improved on.
I truly wish you the best in whatever you decide.
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