There has to be another way . . .

Hi, everyone

I guess my story is fairly typical. I’m a mid-30’s mom of three kids. A member my entire life from a big, devout member family (all of us temple-endowed and fully active.) I was married at 19 (which is way too young, but that’s a post for another time,) and had my first kid by 21, but I thankfully managed to graduate from BYU.

I’ve never been an orthodox Mormon. That’s partly due to my nature, which has always been somewhat rebellious. But also because of my father. He’s a professor and fairly prominent church historian (of the Richard Bushman variety.) Growing up, he always stressed intellectual exploration and to never simply accept things at face value. Growing up in that progressive environment, I did my share of eye-rolling at the “Iron Rod Mormons,” but I always found my rare “Liahona Mormons” and managed.

Did I have questions that couldn’t be answered? Problems that couldn’t be solved? Moments of serious doubt? Yes. They would periodically creep up behind me, like a stranger in a dark street. They terrified me, but I could always turn away and outrun them. At least for a while…

About four years ago, things started to go downhill. This was more than a faith crisis. It was a full-blown existential crisis. It built slowly, but before long, I felt like I was in a free fall. I questioned everything. My marriage. My testimony. Even my concept of who I was and where I fit in the world.

There was no outrunning this, though I tried. I fought it as hard as I could. I went to counseling with my husband, therapy for myself (two different therapists,) and tried three different types of anti-depressants. And I prayed. Oh, how I prayed. One moment stands out in my mind. I was on my knees by my bed, weeping, broken, so lost I couldn’t even find my own words. The only words that came were “Lead me, guide me, walk beside me. Help me find the way.”

And I do believe that God led me. Slowly, carefully, He has helped me stop being so afraid. To turn and face my doubts. To look for another way.

See part of what makes doubt so terrifying to a member of the LDS church is the false dichotomy that is reinforced by both members and ex-Mormons. It is the dichotomy that you are either 100% in or you are OUT.

In church, I have felt that if you’re doubting, you must be doing something wrong. You are slipping in some way. “Satan” is getting a hold of you. And then, the dichotomy is doubled down by the concept that you CANNOT be a half-way Mormon. You can’t be a “cafeteria Mormon.” This is unacceptable. You are slacking in your faithfulness to the Lord. You either give everything you have and believe everything the church teaches, or you are wayward.

And then, on the other end, there are the ex-Mormons who talk with smug confidence about how, once the doubts start, it’s just a matter of time before you leave. Once you have been “woken up” to the fact that the church is a “fraud,” you can never go back. It’s only a matter of time before you are an atheist.

And of course, that option is deeply upsetting to me. Not just for the people I love, though I know it would deeply crush them. To reject the church wouldn’t just be upsetting to my father, it would essentially be me telling him that his entire life is a lie. And what about my siblings, who I love so much? And my children? How could I do that to them? I’m sure you all know exactly what I’m talking about.

But I reject that. I refuse to accept that is has to be either/or. That you have to choose between running from doubts for the rest of your life to stay in the church or you have to be an atheist. There has to be a third option. A way to accept and deal with genuine concerns with doctrine/culture/etc without leaving the church that I do genuinely love.

I am finally ready to stop smashing down who I am to fit a mold. Maybe the mold doesn’t have to exist. Maybe God wants us to make out own way. It’s a very strange and new feeling for me, but an exciting one at the same time.