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My mom has always told me that when I was a little kid I was “cheerfully disobedient.” It wasn’t that I enjoyed disobeying her. I just had no trouble picking and choosing which rules I was going to listen to and which ones I was going to throw out, and I did so with cheerful confidence that my mom would love me anyway. (And she did.) I guess some things don’t change.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the concept of being a “cafeteria Mormon.” To some extent, we all pick and choose which doctrinal points we’re going to pay more or less attention to. And I don’t really mean the larger, more fundamental issues. The ones that constitutes a faith crisis. I’m talking about the never-ending list of smaller things that we’re always talking about in church. Over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that even if you dedicated your entire heart, might and mind to the church, you still couldn’t do everything.
So, we all quietly put some things on the far back burner. Some do this with huge guilt and shame, especially since, no matter what, when the topic comes up in Relief Society or Gospel Doctrine, the teacher always bears fervent testimony of how this doctrine is *SO IMPORTANT.*
I’m curious what others think here. What’s on your list of things you ignore in the cafeteria? And do you feel guilty about it or are you cheerfully disobedient?
Here’s a few from my list:
Food storage. Call me a cynic, but I feel like this one is a throw back to the Red Scare, build a bomb shelter in your backyard days. And true, the church is backing away from their stance that a year’s supply of food will help you in the end of days, but it’s still hard for me to buy the necessity of it, even when looked at from an emergency preparedness standpoint. I appreciate that the focus is shifting to 72 hour kits and having an emergency fund.
Genealogy. As a former History major, I definitely see the value in learning about ones ancestry, and I actually quite admire those that get way into family history. But I just have no interest in spending my already limited time indexing and finding names for temple work.
Visiting Teaching. I understand the concept behind it, and I know there are circumstances when visiting teachers can be life savers. But more often than not, it feels like a huge chore. It’s just one more thing to have to do. Or not do, and then feel guilty about.
For me, I focus on the important principles. Everything else is up for the picking and choosing for what helps me. AnotherWay wrote:
we all quietly put some things on the far back burner
yes…everyone I have talked to does this. It is inevitable, I think.
AnotherWay wrote:
if you dedicated your entire heart, might and mind to the church, you still couldn’t do everything.
…and you can drive yourself crazy with guilt if you have expectations you should. Much better to focus and prioritize on good, better, best for your spirituality.
Things I currently give no thought about and have no guilt doing so…
1) attending church every week, or all 3 hours every week
2) word of wisdom. It just is hyper-practiced in my opinion…it really isn’t a big deal
3) I reject literal interpretations of scriptures in all their forms
4) garments are not to be worn when I’m uncomfortable
5) any talk of LGBT lifestyles or marriage as against God’s plan
6) polygamy
7) literal authority in the priesthood
exclusive truth claims in the church…as I think…the list could go on and on…because there is so much I choose to let go of.
But, I don’t focus on what I don’t believe. I continue to study and listen to GC and scriptures to see what I do believe.
And I think my behavior is more important than my thoughts.
Good thread topic!
I have little time right now, but every member of the LDS Church is a cafeteria Mormon to some degree – even the most orthodox, conservative, hardline members and leaders. Everyone picks and chooses what they will accept and believe and leaves the rest on the serving table – or the back burner. I don’t put anything on a shelf. I leave it where it is placed and take what I can digest – and eat out regularly, in various ways.
Finally, we have multiple posts about this topic in our archives. If someone has time to find a few and provide the links, cool; if not, do a search for “cafeteria”. There will be a lot of options.
For sure everyone is a Cafeteria Mormon, and not only that, as with most cafeteria food, they don’t know what they are eating half the time! I think you can look at Cafeteria Mormonism as your examples do in terms of orthopraxy (actions) or orthodoxy (beliefs), so while I don’t love to do the tedious actions associated with genealogy, I believe it is of value. While I detest the efforts associated with visiting teaching (a chore, forced friendships), I still see it as a valuable endeavor–just one I’m not very committed at doing well.
When it comes to beliefs, the ones that I don’t eat: polygamy, gender roles, Proclamation, prophet and leader worship. To me, these are more harm than good. It’s not that I set them aside. I don’t believe they belong in the cafeteria at all. But I feel the same way about salisbury steak.
Quote:But I feel the same way about salisbury steak.
Or the chicken feet things at China-Rama’s.
When I was in the army I had a rule that I wouldn’t eat anything that I couldn’t tell what it was by looking at it. It served me pretty well. There was of course other stuff I didn’t eat because I could tell what it was by looking at it and knew I didn’t like it (e.g. liver). At first I did not apply this principle to the church, but I do now. If it is not clearly very closely related to the gospel – which I essentially define as the atonement of Christ and two great commandments – I don’t do it. Heber’s list contains great examples of such things. I tend to stick very close to the core of the gospel onion.
When we say that everyone is a cafeteria Mormon I think it’s important to recognize that there are many definitions for cafeteria Mormon. There’s the cafeteria Mormon (CM) where you don’t live up to every expectation simply because there aren’t enough hours in the day or because people aren’t perfect. This CM feels bad about their shortcomings and vows to do better in the future but juggling life priorities and imperfections will always make them a CM.
Then there’s the CM that unapologetically refuses to alter their behavior. “Nuts to you, I’m drinking my coffee.”
So yes, everyone at church is a CM but the first type I mentioned is expected and generally get a pass. The second type I mentioned usually get mentioned unfavorably in general conference talks.
But the above definitions of CM reference
behaviors. I think cafeteria Mormonism as it pertains to thoughtsand beliefsis still relatively uncharted territory for people. The CM that is struggling to obtain a testimony of the BoM or the CM that picks and chooses the doctrines that appeal to them. We tend to marry the two because of the belief that thoughts govern actions. There are doctrines that are aimed at governing behavior then there are doctrines that are just statements of belief. For instance, we’d react differently around people that decided that “thou shalt not kill” wasn’t for them vs. someone that decided that spirit prison and spirit paradise wasn’t true.
Further complicating matters, the all or nothing (black and white) mindset might create a slippery slope in someone’s mind… but if they don’t believe in spirit prison and spirit paradise then it’s only a matter of time before they drop the “thou shalt not kill” commandment in their pickings and choosings.
mom3 wrote:
Quote:But I feel the same way about salisbury steak.
Or the chicken feet things at China-Rama’s.
It can be a romantic way to propose:
[img]http://i.imgur.com/rnMj0YI.jpg [/img] Dude, you have issues. 😆 
😮 He may have issues, but he does have a wife! 
Here are the things I cheerfully don’t do..,. a) Moving people
b) Setting up chairs all the way across town. Locally is OK now and then.
c) Tithing
d) Garments
e) Accepting callings I don’t want.
f) Home teaching unless there is a point to it.
g) Missionary Work
h) Cleaning the chapel
I have done all the other things we require, for the most part, including missionary work, and everything in the list above. I put my sights on being happy now and stuff like the list above isn’t compatible with that anymore.
And I think it is a good lesson for leaders to realize that they get more when they have people working in areas where there is passion, talent and interest. And if you have a program that NO ONE wants to do except the good old plodders, what does that say about the viability of the program?
Was talking the other day about Primary and Teachers Council and how I’m inept at teaching young children. My wife said “well that’s how you get good at it — by teaching others”. I knew that was coming. They ALWAYS say that. My response was “I’m not good at it and I don’t WANT to be good at it”. They have to get that some people just don’t have a passion for certain things.
Cafeteria Mormonism is good for people who have crossed the line into unorthodoxy. I’ve never been happier.
And all this due to the indifference of priesthood leaders when my family has had extreme, valid needs (non-financial) that leaders brushed off carelessly. At this point I’m not sure whether to thank them or chastise them. This is because their indifference put me onto a new path that has made me much happier, and my life so much easier.
We all are different. I do many of the things that SD says no to. I have not done a HT visit in a few quarters. I have 2 middle to late aged sisters that I HT and they keep me plenty busy helping around their homes. Just this weekend I went to both to help with some home repairs and lighting a hot water tank. I count 100% HT every month.
I like what Kirby had to say about it. There is a good thread talking a bit about him on this site from a few years ago titled
How does Robert Kirby stay LDS?It mentions an article that Kirby wrote called
When afterlife is anything but celestialIf you just want the sound-bite
Quote:Once you admit your telestial nature, things get so much easier. It’s almost impossible to feel guilty about not measuring up to someone else’s expectation when you no longer have to bother.
Now that I am much less a believer, I would have to agree. It is part of what keeps me from going crazy, but I do often feel for others thinking, “you are making life so hard on you and other with the assumption that will translate into eternity of bliss in the life hear after.” But I don’t think anybody really knows what happens next. I am not an “eat drink and be merry” kind of a guy. I am accused of “all work, no play, makes for a boring primate.”
Nibbler – I just came home from facial carcinoma surgery and it hurts because I am laughing my face off. I can feel the pain through my numb cheek. Bless you. LookingHard wrote:
Quote:Once you admit your telestial nature, things get so much easier. It’s almost impossible to feel guilty about not measuring up to someone else’s expectation when you no longer have to bother.
Now that I am much less a believer, I would have to agree. It is part of what keeps me from going crazy, but I do often feel for others thinking, “you are making life so hard on you and other with the assumption that will translate into eternity of bliss in the life hear after.” But I don’t think anybody really knows what happens next. I am not an “eat drink and be merry” kind of a guy. I am accused of “all work, no play, makes for a boring primate.”
You make some great points LH. I think we should study that out in our minds and see if we really feel there is something in our own faith that warrants pressure to achieve the highest degree of heaven.For some…that drive is good for them…and their faith in it sustains them.
If that faith isn’t there…just doing it because of peer pressure is unnecessary and we can let go of others’ expectations…and it helps us stay more present in our own faith and view of things. We can learn to let go when we study out in our minds what is necessary for us, and what is not.
Also…thanks to nibbler’s contribution…
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