Divorce support

Wow – so sorry you’re going through this. It’s really hard to feel alone when you become disillusioned with the church. And it’s also really hard to give advice when you don’t know everything involved, but what I can give is support. You are not alone and many of us have been in a similar situation.

In my own situation, there are four kids in the picture when I had my faith transition. I’ve posted here and gotten lots of helpful advice and support. The most helpful things have been about loving your spouse and trying to get to a place of mutual love and respect, despite differing viewpoints.

Are you ready to give up on your marriage? If you truly love your wife, I’d hate to think of giving that precious gift up because of the church. On the other hand, without kids in the picture, a hard break up now could spare years of continued heart ache if hearts (yours and hers) don’t soften.

It’s so hard and impossible to give good advice about what you should do in your specific situation. Definitely be honest with her and let her know your feelings. Don’t attack the church or go into specifics because that will just feel like an attack on her. And TAKE YOUR TIME. Don’t rush decisions. Be patient and look at things from all angles.

Think about your marriage without the church. Is there enough there to survive and be worth fighting for? In my case, the answer was a definitive yes. We love each other deeply, share many things we enjoy together, and have four kids that tie us together too. Even without the church, our marriage would be great. This has been tragically hard for my wife, but things are getting better. She’s found some support outlets too that have been helpful (like the Facebook group “Another testament of marriage”).

Good luck and reach out here often for support!

Hi Baseball,

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I was in a similar situation some time ago. I felt for sure that my wife would leave me, when she found out how I felt about the Church. She didn’t want to raise kids in a part-member family (or whatever you’d call us), and frankly I wasn’t too enthusastic about it either. But we talked about it. We thought about it. We prayed about it. She loves me with all her heart, and promised to be with me forever; and I made the same promise. In my opinion, when you marry someone, you’re not promising to be with the person they are; you’re promising to be with and stick with the person they become. I didn’t “choose” to have a faith crisis, and I can’t believe in something if I feel the greater evidence is against it. She loves me all the more for being honest about it.

Even when it comes to having kids, there are definitely positives to being mix-faith; the kids won’t join or believe simply because we tell them to. They have to reach their decisions on their own. It’s tough. I’m sure once our daughter grows up it’ll be tougher. But we’re making it work; I am so grateful for her willingness to make it work.

I don’t know your situation. And I honestly think some times in a marriage, both parties are better off if they go their seperate ways. But from what you’ve shared with me, I think you and your wife can honestly make it work if you want it badly enough. You both have to want it though. And if she doesn’t want it… that’s very hard. I’m so sorry. But don’t give up hope. I promise, it CAN work. It can work out beautifully.

Best of luck, brother.

Sorry to hear about your situation. Thanks for posting here, and hope to learn from your perspective on things.

My advice is to be careful and slow down with absolute black and white thinking, and start to try to open your mind to new paradigms or ideas.

There is more to life than church. In or out of the church, marriages stay together or divorce. Some go inactive, some stay LDS and work on relationships as they go.

There is nothing wrong with a happy loving part member family. There really isn’t.

I would just compartmentalize the issue to work on the relationship. Regardless of church, can you find trust, commitment, and kindness in the marriage? With underlying principles that let love grow…you can work through other challenges even different faiths.

If you already know the marriage has been over for some time…then talk about that or address it but don’t blame it on the church, because the church can work and God can accept couples in lots of variety. You shouldn’t assume it can’t work if you have faith struggles, just as you can’t assume she will give up if you say you don’t believe. It’s not always so black and white.

Some people work through losing faith in the church but increased love and commitment to their partner and the family.

Do you really love her? That’s the question. Because if you do…you will exhaust all choices before giving up.

It’s about you and your heart and your life choices…church should not be scapegoat. We can let go of church being so Paramount in our lives.

Church is there to help you, not you to be there for the church or else you can’t stay married. Church will go on whether you stay married or divorce.

If you are open to new ideas and learning…there are many paths to learn to navigate it as a couple committed to each other. If you’re not committed…church isn’t the issue that matters.

I’m divorced and remarried. Feel free to PM me any questions if you want to.

Sorry your struggles run so deep. Seek peace. You deserve it.

I highly recommend talking to a counselor in person – not a bishop.

Good point, RR. Someone else may have said it and I missed it, but counseling might be highly valuable in this case – professional counseling.

This, of course, is selfish and dishonest, which is why I am going to tell her everything this weekend. I recently received a job offer for which we will have to move. I see this as the best time to finally come clean so that we can both move on.

Come here for more support as you need it. It sounds as though you’ve made your decision, and feel it’s best. As someone who stayed with their marriage when there were warning signs years ago, I respect your decision. I have made my own situation work but it has been very difficult.

It is sad the church can wield so much power over members’ lives, to the point of destroying their marriage when a person has a valid concern. I am sorry you are going through this. Let’s keep talking as you work through this…

I am afraid that I misunderstood your intent and I apologize. The story of one partner going through a faith crisis and breaking the heart of the other is common here and I framed your OP as such. That was my doing, not yours.

Understanding that divorce is something you have already decided upon is different. I am not a believer that divorce is never appropriate, sometimes it is the best option. I wish you well and repeat I hope you find the peace you seek.

I am with Roy? What happened? How did she respond?

I am confused about your first post. You never state you have already decided on divorce. Later you clarify it. Yet you say you love her. Are you sure divorce is that answer?

If you are, and you do love her, may I recommend that you are the best divorcing spouse in the world. Don’t leave her high and dry. Set her up for full success in the future. Demonstrate your love by making sure she is the most important person in this divorce. That her happiness, safety, and survival are of the utmost importance to you.

You may no longer believe the LDS church is worth anything. But Karma exists, doing good and even great to others really is a noble path of value. In the long run if you let go of her without blame, criticism or even harsh words like “marriage is doomed” you will heal faster and find better roads ahead, than if you blame, accuse, fault fine, and despair.

Mixed faith marriages is our generations gift. We set the course for the world around us. Every successful mixed faith marriage saves an upcoming struggling marriage. Think it over. You could be leader if you so desire.