Sounds Crazy doesn’t it !

I have not really thought about resigning as I think that not paying tithing is actually more impactful, but I am attending, holding a relatively significant calling, and paying tithing on gross. I am doing it primarily for my marriage.

So you are not alone.

I, too, attend primarily out of support for my wife. I know it would break her heart if I ever had my records removed from the Church. She would still love and support me, even if I did leave or refused to attend, but I know it means a lot to her if I continue to go.

That does seem like a pretty unreasonable ultimatum from your wife, though. You can’t “righteous” yourself into believing something you honestly don’t. Still, it sounds like you’re making the best choice, given your situation. We’re happy to have you back.

It helps for me to think of it as a club we belong to that she really loves and it blesses her life.

I also look at it a bit that way also. But the super VIP level with a recommend sure has large dues! I am a pragmatic guy (I think) and I have no problem paying my share of the local building costs and what it takes to run the ward (youth trips, etc.) I do have a bit of an issue when I contribute hundreds of dollars per week and then I look at what the ward budget gets back. It makes me laugh when I see staunch republicans/libertarians in the ward rail on the federal government taking too much of our money and only giving a small portion back. I want to say, “why don’t you apply the same scrutiny to your church funds?” But I am going off topic.

Back on topic, you are not crazy to love someone. We all need that. I don’t see it any different than the couple in our ward where the husband is a never-mo and his wife comes every week. He comes about half the time just to support her. Be glad you have someone in your life that you love that much!

Welcome aboard. It’s not crazy. Marriage therapist John Gottman encourages non-believing spouses to attend and support their believing spouse’s church. That it is part of the person you chose. Gottman’s work is renowned for helping couple’s stay married. High five for you.

I hope you will find some tips and suggestions to make the transition’s forward helpful. We are a broad spectrum of attenders with just as a broad a spectrum of belief.

Glad to meet you.

I think that not paying tithing is actually more impactful

I know there are a lot of people who think that, but I have to say, I’m in the camp who believes that the church has more than enough and manages their money so well that they could go without any tithing at all for a very long time and be totally fine. In short, don’t overestimate the importance of how your “gesture” might be felt.

I wonder about the role of marriage in church going throughout the centuries. I would venture that women have kept men in churches far more often than the reverse, and that the church means something different to (many) men than it does to (many) women, particularly if the woman is financially dependent on the man. The woman in such a situation can “domesticate” her husband through the church, whereas men have been free to act more as free agents, so if the church doesn’t give them something (a cookie or incentive or say, all the power of God) then why would the man participate? The woman participates to keep the man in line, to wield the church’s authority to keep him in line. Again, that’s in a “traditional” arrangement–this is just a theory since I’ve never actually lived in that kind of arrangement.

Just a thought I’ve had.

I think that not paying tithing is actually more impactful

I know there are a lot of people who think that, but I have to say, I’m in the camp who believes that the church has more than enough and manages their money so well that they could go without any tithing at all for a very long time and be totally fine. In short, don’t overestimate the importance of how your “gesture” might be felt.

Not sure what you mean here Hawk — can you explain this a little more — you seem to be a proponent of not paying due to the church’s wealth, but then indicate that as a gesture it has a positive impact somewhere. Can you clarify what you mean?

I agree with you Heber. The church traditionally becomes or hosts the social support center for women. My dad and I had a conversation once where we talked about the tendency for men to consider their wife their best friend, and to a certain degree that satisfies their social wants. Generally, I think women need a larger support group because:

a) They are usually handling more of the “mental load” of the family – the logistics of identifying and scheduling the needs/wants of the entire family – and in practical terms need sources of support for that. The minutea like achievement days, doctor’s visits, developmental assessment, making sure the uniforms are clean and ready when needed. I am not saying men don’t handle these things, I am saying that I think more women tend to handle the planning and organization of those details and that both genders take care of the actual tasks.

b) Women communicate in networks. I read a book a while back about gender communication styles, and the premise of the book was that men communicate to establish and work in a hierarchy, and women communicate to connect. While it may not universally apply, I think it provides a context for why there is disconnect wherever men and women are striving to communicate (church organization, family patterns of communication, workplace environment…) If women are communicating in networks and developing community connections, this becomes a support group. It is very difficult to have a support group when you are establishing a pecking order in said support group.

c) There are fundamental biological processes that women go through that are overwhelming to a huge degree that I don’t men experience to a similiar extent – namely pregnancy/childbirth and menopause. It is helpful to know that you aren’t alone in this when biologically everything is drastically different than what you are used to. I know guys can go through stuff, but I think that the stuff that they go through is less intense in that there are fewer hormone fluctuations, over a longer period of time.