Good Artlce on Parental and Married Children Relationships

AS I am entering a phase of life where I have been confused about what my responsibilities are to my daughter, who is getting married, I found this article that was highly useful. Written by a Professor of Family Studies at BYU, there was a section that grabbed me:

Adult-to-Adult Relationships

Marrying and leaving the parents’ home requires a fundamental shift in the relationship between children and parents. While parents of young children have a divine mandate to supervise and discipline their children, it is not appropriate for parents to control their adult children. Instead, the hierarchy of supervision and control dissolves so that parents and their adult children are on equal footing. This shift allows parents and adult children to develop relationships that are built on mutual respect and friendship.

How do adult children and their parents create this fundamental shift in their relationship? I learned a key principle in this process several years ago when I was teaching a workshop for married couples in our stake. I taught the workshop three consecutive times as participants rotated among various classes. The first two times I taught the workshop, the primary audience was young couples in their 20s and early 30s. When I taught the principle that relationships between adult children and parents should be nonhierarchical, with parents no longer controlling their children, the members of the class became very enthusiastic. A number of them raised their hand and said, “I want my parents to treat me like an adult, but they won’t.”

The third workshop included a different group of participants. Instead of people in their 20s, the class consisted almost exclusively of middle-aged adults who had adult children of their own. Being in my late 20s myself, I was worried about how the middle-aged parents would respond to the principle that parents should allow their adult children to make their own decisions, become independent, and be treated like adults.

Sure enough, as soon as I started teaching this principle, several hands shot up—just as I had feared. As I called on them, I was somewhat surprised by the first person’s comment. She said, “We would love to treat our married children like adults, but they send us very mixed messages.” She continued: “Just a couple weeks ago, for example, one of our married children said that we needed to treat her and her husband more like adults. She accused us of still treating them like children. My husband and I agreed to treat them more like adults, but the next day they called up and said that they were out of gas and wanted to borrow $20 from us. A few days later they again told us to treat them like adults, but they called that very evening saying that they were hungry and wanted to come over for dinner. We would love to treat our married children like adults, but they won’t act like adults.” After she finished her comments, several other people in the audience expressed similar feelings.

Reciprocity

This story reinforces the principle that relationships between adult children and parents don’t really change until there is reciprocity in the relationship. Relationships develop an equal footing when both people give to each other, but when only one party gives and the other takes, an unequal relationship develops. An adult-to-adult relationship can be established only upon the principle of reciprocity.

When children are young, parents sacrifice considerably by giving to their children. Young children and adolescents, of course, should be appreciative and express love and gratitude to their parents, but most of the nurturing and acts of service flow toward the children. The relationship between adult children and their parents, though, needs to shift toward an adult-to-adult relationship in which children can give back.

One couple was fortunate to have the wife’s parents come to their home for the weekend to help paint the outside of the house. As a sign of appreciation, the young couple took the parents out to dinner. In another family, the adult children got together and planned a surprise birthday party for one of their parents. In both cases, the married children acted like adults by treating their parents like adults, thereby fostering adult-to-adult relationships. These relationships are based on friendship and mutual respect, with each being concerned about the happiness and well-being of the other. Most important, these relationships are satisfying for both the parents and the adult children.

Some married children struggle with the “Santa Claus syndrome,” viewing Mom and Dad as Santa Claus figures who are to shower love and gifts on their children with little expectation of reciprocity. These children are often unable to develop mutually satisfying relationships with their parents.

Of course, most young married couples are unable to match the financial resources of their parents, making them unable to reciprocate on a dollar-to-dollar basis. But the principle of reciprocity isn’t necessarily about the amount of money exchanged, because continued emotional dependence on parents can be just as damaging to a marriage as financial dependence. Rather, reciprocity is based more on mutual acts of service and caring. For example, as adult children have conversations with their parents, they can express interest, ask questions, listen empathetically, and offer encouragement, praise, and support. As adult children nurture friendships with their parents, there comes an emotional reciprocity in the relationship that is largely independent of financial reciprocity.

Do you agree with the principle of emotional reciprocity? To what extend do you think parents should “help” support their children financially after they are married? To what extent does the Church’s self-reliance principles apply in parental-married children relationships?