Too Many Reasons to Hide a Porn Problem

I personally would say that one of the worst things comes from secrecy – and that problems that rise to the level of addiction often are caused by an inability to admit a problem and seek help (a pressure toward secrecy).

There are other serious issues with porn (including those that are embedded within various segments of the industry itself), but, at the individual level, intense shaming that leads to isolation and secrecy certainly is one of the most serious issues.

Another issue is a related one: over-labeling any and all viewing as addiction. Extreme labeling tends toward extreme usage, denial, hiding isolation, shame, and secrecy.

I was afraid to interact with girls as a teenager. There was a sort of attitude that I picked up that dating before missions was pointless and that kissing before dating seriously was bad, so I generally just avoided interacting with girls. I had a few female friends, but they practically acted like guys.

My porn problem is a more recent development, but alongside the loneliness and social awkwardness, I can see essentially where it stems from. I’m late to the romance scene even though I crave it and have since halfway through my mission. I struggle with marriage envy, especially when seeing couples younger than I am with kids. I’m working on being more open about it. I actually brought a porn addiction book my mom gave me to church. One guy asked about it. I’m still shy about admitting I have a porn problem (is it an addiction? I dunno. It’s certainly compulsive, but it doesn’t exactly control my life either.), so that’s about as far as I got.

I feel so much pressure to conform to this goody goody two-shoes image of what a Mormon is… Which is weird because I never have cared about being popular. Perhaps it’s the “set a good example” mantra taken too far in my mind. Social pressures add up and drive me to pretend that I don’t have issues, yet my genuine self is just dying to come out in the open. It’s a huge problem that it isn’t safe for my genuine self to come out to play. Sadly, my true self only gets its chance to come out in one on one interactions with close friends. Just close friends though.

The church ought to be a safe place to be who you truly are, sins and all. But it isn’t, and it shows for this subject perhaps more than any other.

PS: I also want to point out that the church/culture itself is not behind every reason to hide a porn problem. Some come from prudishness of American society, for instance.

The porn industry is a horror. But conflicting it with love of the naked bodies God sent us with is just as bad. IMO.

I absolutely agree. Porn stars are treated as disposable and recruited using the most disgusting tactics.

However, I would say that any imagery of the human form can be viewed in a lustful fashion, be masturbated to, and otherwise functionally operate like pornography without being porn in the strictest sense. The viewer is responsible for the way they view the human form. I’ve heard of missionaries masturbating to girls in the Ensign, for instance.

But to slap the label on all nudity is irresponsible. On the flip side, to exempt covered women from “porn status” is also irresponsible; you can provoke lustful feelings with strategically covered women. I would argue that some one piece swimsuits are more provocative than the average bikini and in some cases, bikinis can be more provocative than nudity. It depends on presentation.

I think it’s important to be able to distinguish between stuff that is intended to be pornographic, stuff that is erotica, stuff that is nudity, and stuff that isn’t sexual in any nature. Being able to masturbate to women in the Ensign does not make those images function like pornography. Rather, the person who masturbated has projected himself onto them and required that they now be sexual images for his own purposes. He has a pornographic lens, but he’s not viewing pornography. To me, that is one of the biggest pitfalls of regular or consistent pornography use: turning other people into sexual objects due to their own unmanaged desires.

I would also add that the above is a reason why women tend to not want men with porn issues. It’s tough to want to sign up to be teaching and coaching your significant other about healthy sexuality when, as an adult, it’s truly their own responsibility to cultivate that. Plus, it’s not desirable to want to be on the receiving end of whatever misguided expectations the man has formed from viewing so much porn while often having little to no actual sexual experience.

I think this is often important to bring up: being aroused is not inherently bad. Being aroused by things that are supposed to be arousing isn’t inherently bad. What we all do with our own arousal CAN be healthy or destructive, and we are responsible for those actions. Blaming my arousal on someone else gets no one anywhere, and further frustrates the problem because I’ve just shifted responsibility. Other people/images/film being provocative isn’t the issue, IMO. What we each do with our arousal, for instance if we blame others for being provocative, is our responsibility.

:clap: :clap: :clap: I have nothing to add.

I read an article a while ago where the person said that for some, porn keeps marriages intact. There are situations where the emotional love is there, but the physical side is missing. Sometimes the woman has a man who can’t perform, so she turns to porn to get rid of the tension, and vice versa. There are people married to people with disabilities, and the sexual dysfunction can really hurt their marriage if there is no expression for it. It can also propel men and women into infidelity situations if porn is not an option. And there are women and certain men, who, as they age, lose interest in sex altogether. The man is then forced to live in a sexless marriage. The article said porn can help get rid of the tension.

So, in certain circumstances, porn can help make a marriage work when there is sexual dysfunction that would otherwise hurt the marriage.

Stigma? Definitely. I only know of one male co-worker who admitted he watches porn. He told me he really likes it. It conjured up all kinds of questions in my mind at the time — bondage? rough videos? children? Just how far does this guy go? And we’ve seen that all it takes is one accusation to ruin you. And there is also the “slippery slope” argument that if the guy watches adult porn, he’s only one step away from committing more aggressive sexual acts — potentially even illegal.

You could get one false accusation from a child or a woman, and taken wtih a previous admission the man uses porn, and you’ve got a strong case for prosecution. If you ever watch the Forensic Files, you’ll see that police latch on to any previous statements a suspect may have uttered that support the idea he perpetrated a crime. So I think it behooves anyone in society to be careful how much of the stigmatized side of their lives they share. As you never know when coincidence may put you in a position of being suspected for something you didn’t do.

So, in my view, if a person looks at porn, they should never admit it to anyone. The risks are too great.

What do you think it is that makes those risks to high?

I think that it gets abused very easily. I think that the hormones released by those actions are very potent. I think that our society overvalues sexuality and associates it with worth. So it is perceived that the worth of the individual who is not the person using those items gets entangled with that person’s actual worth.

What do you think can be done to lower that risk?

We need to separate the “worth of souls” from their sexuality as individuals, in our families, and as a society.

We need to teach the next generations what form of dynamite they are playing with when they engage in those activities and the potential consequences.

We need to teach the next generation to have realistic expectations (well, at least within the church). It can be a very awkward conversation, but if we keep shoving it under the rug that this is not going to be a topic of discussion in their marriages, then they are in for a rude awakening especially for the young women who were taught to expect no porn in their marriages.

Where would you draw the line?

I am not qualified to judge. I think that where the church currently draws the line does not allow lines of communication and honesty that need to happen. I think that American society in general is more dishonest in explaining the potential consequences are for these behaviors.

I think that indulging in these behaviors can become a habit that needs to be watched carefully in case it becomes an escape or coping mechanism that pulls the individual outside of family life. I absolutely think that any habit that relies on the media requires additional sanctions in the home around children under the age of 12.

How would it affect society at large?

I think you would see more sexually motivated crimes, and fewer restraints on people who have tendencies toward porn.

Your suspicion follows the popular opinion, but not the data. The evidence suggests otherwise, which is something I discovered a while back when researching a talk on the subject. Consider this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201601/evidence-mounts-more-porn-less-sexual-assault