Finding my way

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.

I echo LH’s comments and think that sometimes we hold ourselves back with certain principles we were taught and we believe them literally.

As we grow…I think God allows us to start expanding our thoughts to learn things in a new light. Hence the prism of my avatar…I think I used to see the one source of light (white) only from one literal orthodox perspective (one color from the other side of the prism). Then we get thrown from traumatic experiences or a faith crisis of some kind and see another light and realize it isn’t “wrong” to see one color or another color…it just depends on our point of view and where we are standing and we see the same light differently. It’s an imperfect analogy, but it is something to consider as you may want to view church in a new light.

There are good things about the church we don’t want to throw away or take from our life purpose. But, we may have learned new things that we do want to peel away and throw out.

Eventually, we find the inner core of what we can accept in the gospel, and can find ways to make church work for us in a more powerful way. It is a process that can take years sometimes, each person’s journey is different.

But I think God wants us to shed unnecessary things, like shame or guilt over things that aren’t such a big deal really. So…we work on those.

Cling to and hold on to the things that are special to you. You may not know if Joseph Smith is a prophet and if he saw what he thought he saw…but that doesn’t have to change the revelations and spiritual experiences of your past and what you hold sacred to your heart…you just might adjust the framing of it to appreciate what it is for you today.

Welcome to the forum. I look forward to learning from your point of view. Thanks for joining the discussion.

Welcome to the forum. I look forward to learning from your point of view. Thanks for joining the discussion.

Thanks for your response. Like I said in my OP, I have found this forum to be the most supportive and helpful without being defensive or judgmental.

Losing a temple recommend in that situation really sucks. Unless there’s more issues underneath you don’t feel comfortable sharing on a public forum, most bishops (at least of those I had) would not revoke a TR for porn/masturbation problems and shaken faith. Then again, I dunno about the FC part of it, since I’ve never told my bishop nor do I plan to. I haven’t been “punished” for masturbation since high school. Every bishop I’ve had since then didn’t make a big deal out of it and my mission president only threatened to not renew my TR if I didn’t quit (BTW, I was ‘clean’ from that point until about a week after I got home, so the threat sort of worked.)

Point is, sounds like you’re a victim of leadership roulette. Porn and masturbation issues are notorious for being handled wildly differently by different bishops. This is made worse by the fact that “masturbation” is never mentioned by name in any current church publications I know of and is not, to my knowledge, part of any official written policies.

I’m still navigating my feelings toward porn and masturbation. I really don’t think it’s as big of a deal as the church likes to make it, but it definitely is not ideal. Nothing worth losing sleep over… Which unfortunately has happened for my mom since I told her because she’s super orthodox. I wish I had never told her because her involvement has only made it more complicated for me to figure it out with a bunch of the wrong kind of pressure to quit.

Anyway, best of luck to you. Enjoy your stay. I look forward to seeing what you have to say and I hope my lack of inhibitions toward sexual topics is helpful to you.

I understand that for a lot of people, porn is not a big deal but it has been for me. I started at such an early age that it impeded my ability to form relationships and has now drained the life out of my marriage. If I can’t find recovery then my marriage will soon be over.

For many of us we grew up with porn around. My dad had a dozen magazines in his room, as a teen I found his stash of videos and ugh, 8mm films. A friend across the street had literally closet full. I think it only marginally affected my views growing up on sex and marriage. It’s my personal opinion, but I think a bit of it was healthy. I too had trouble forming relationships but for reasons of being a bit of an introvert, terribly shy around girls, even though I did not look at them as objects.

I didn’t read into it, but does your spouse know all about it? If so, you can continue to work on it in the open, and be honest about it. Your last line hit a nerve, and I hope that you both can get through this. I ask if she knows because unless there are other deeper issues in the marriage, you can work on it together, I can’t imagine this being a deal breaker after so long together.

Counselling and talking through it will be key in figuring out how to recover. It can be such a difficult thing to talk about, women feel at first that they are being rejected or substituted. However for most men this is not the case.

I really appreciate everyone’s support and response to my story. It seems like there is a lot of interest in the porn issue and I understand that. I feel like I grew up in the first porn-saturated generation. Now society and the church are still trying to figure out exactly what the effects are and how to handle it. I agree with the sentiment that honest, open, non-shaming communication about sex and pornography is the best way to handle the environment in which we live. Removing the shame surrounding the topic will help the overwhelming majority of porn users to break their habit if they choose to do so.

On the other hand I have come to believe that for some people, sex/pornography/lust becomes an addiction as real as alcoholism. For the sexaholic, any unbridled lust or pornography or masturbation becomes increasingly addictive and leads to destructive behavior. Just as the average person can drink occasionally without becoming an alcoholic, the average person can lust/fantasize/look at porn or masturbate without becoming obsessed with sex. If you put that first drink in the hand of an alcoholic, however, all rational thinking flies out the window and he/she is powerless to stop. The same is true for lust with a sexaholic. The more I associate with addicts and read addiction literature, the more I see those traits in myself. Thankfully there are many lines that I have yet to cross (extramarital affairs, prostitutes, etc.) but I can see myself eventually going there if I don’t find recovery.

As far as the marriage goes, every marriage is different and spouses react in various ways to differing levels of betrayal. My wife’s feelings of hurt and trauma are real and in large part caused by my actions. Do upbringing and societal norms also play a role in her feelings? Of course, but those are things that I cannot change so I try to not focus on them. Maybe I was a little dramatic when I said that my marriage will “soon” be over if I don’t recover, but it is not far from the truth. I don’t blame my wife for not wanting to spend another ten years with an active addict. I do have hope for recovery and healing in our marriage as I own up to the damage I have done and seek recovery one day at a time.