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I had an experience at church where I MISSED the non-verbal communication entirely. A sister had judged me and highly disliked me for the better part of 2 years – AND did nothing to absolve that until she was assigned as my VT and we started talking about it. I get that her judgement call is not my jurisdiction, fine – full stop. She was discrete about it, only never saying hi and sitting on the other side of the room all the time. I may not be her traditional friend type – fine. Since I walk up and tell both VT’s and HT’s when in my schedule will work for the upcoming month regularly instead of waiting for the phone call or email, I know I am not the traditional person, and I will go the extra mile to make it work. My hang-up is I MISSED the fact she did not like me (it did not occur to me) – and now that I look back on it, it should have. While this area is a weakness of mine, I missed the cues. The sisters I have talked to about it keep reminding me about it being her call, I did not do anything specific to provoke the judgement (which I don’t care about). I am even learning to forgive myself for missing something that was skillfully hidden and is a weakness of mine.So now, I can expect that people in the church will lie to me in what they tell me because it makes them feel better and is socially acceptable rather then working with me honestly to resolve a situation.Actually, I am NOT OK with that.I want to stand up in Fast and Testimony meeting and tell them:
“People, I am not going to get what you say the way you meant it. I will parse it out and analyze it to oblivion. If you tell me something non-verbally, it will either go over my head or I will also spend a lot of time analyzing it to translate it into something I can understand and probably take it not the way you intended it to be taken. START talking to me plainly, and STOP assuming that I understand or obey all the non-verbal social cultural stuff in the church or associated stereotypes. I do not bake. I do not cook. Please contact BOTH my husband AND myself regarding logistical considerations that impact our family. If you have to pick 1 representative from the family, for logistics/scheduling it will be me. Do not ask me to decorate anything. I work full-time because I had better prospects and resources than my husband does. My husband stays at home with our children because he is the better cook, better organizer of objects, and can meet the needs of our daughters better than I can. We chose to become a 1-car family rather then invest money we didn’t have (and still don’t) in a 2nd car. The sewing machine scares me because there is a great valid fear of mine that it will sew over my fingers because I will put them in the wrong place. The copier is not my friend.
If you say you want to do something, I will take you at your word and ask you about it later – recognizing that life happens and priorities shift. I will love and interact with your children as much as they wish to interact with me. I will be a cheerleader for you in the sidelines of your life, I will be a verbal foxhole buddy in rough times helping celebrate the victories and mourn when things did not go as planned. I know a few things about applying gospel principles in no-traditional circumstances. I also know a few things about caregiver burnout and health issues. I can lead music. I can sing alto. You want potential interpretations of scripture and the principles from that – I am your girl. You want to brainstorm alternative options dispassionately and non-judgementally – that’s me. You want someone who is serious about “Teaching by the Spirit” – that is me. You want someone you can email while you sort things out – that’s me. You want someone who can give a talk or Non-Primary lesson at the last minute – that’s me.
If/When you are judging my family for their non-traditional approach to life and how limited our church service is – please understand what service we give, we give with as much love and heart as we can.
In fact, there is a great chance that all y’all have given more service to my family directly and indirectly than we have given to you and we honor and appreciate that – Thank you, Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.”
I haven’s done this yet. Though now that I have written it, I probably should. However, I am aware that this would embarrass my husband and probably make us church culturally more non-traditional and ostrasize us.
1) Would you say something like this at church?
2) Would you be offended if someone did?
3) Would it help you to understand that person?
I would mention that some of these folks are not even fully concious that THEY are doing this. Mormons tend to be (IMHO) very passive/aggressive as you NEVER should actually seem angry or even upset. For those that have grown up in this it is just like the air that they breath and they can be assuming you had to get the hint and you not doing something about it is offensive. AmyJ wrote:
1) Would you say something like this at church?
No.
F&T meeting really isn’t the time to air grievances just because there’s a captive audience.
I agree with LH. Our culture is very passive aggressive. We don’t like saying no to things because saying no to things might make us look bad or lesser in front of our peers. We want to keep up appearances so we say yes when sometimes we have no intention of doing the thing we’re agreeing to do. That’s passive aggressive.
If people want to get to know me, come talk to me, I’ll be open. Who knows, might form a friendship. If not, no worries. In time either you or I will move out of the ward and that will be that.
Yes, do not say this in church. It will not help. You will just make yourself into a spectacle and gossip item.
I recommend:
1) Getting social support elsewhere. It can be really hard if all your best friends are church members. Diversify! This makes number 2 much easier.
2) Grow a thicker skin/get on your own clock. Care less about what people at church think. I do not suggest being rude – just unresponsive to church pressure. Perhaps lower expectations of people in church. Mormons are by and large good people. However their loyalty to the church will likely trump any friendship to you (they may even feel that strengthening your loyalty to the church is what a true friend would do). Don’t expect them to change. Be your own person, living your own life, marching to the beet of your own drum. Others may not appreciate it or validate it. Oh, well.
Just my $0.02
P.S. Some people really can appreciate you for you and develop deep friendships. However in my experience this is rare and if found is likely found on a one on one basis.
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