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Hi, How do you “live in a tribe” – belong to the LDS tribe, or any tribe really when you feel really discouraged and jaded and want to withdraw from society and live like Emily Dickinson did – in solitude with very limited social/tribal interaction.
BACKGROUND:
- We have missed the last 4 Sundays of church due to sickness and snow – and I missed it less than I thought I would (but feel guilty for not missing it very much).
- I attended half of my daughter’s Achievement Day so I could “socialize” with the leaders and other sisters – and left with the impression it was not worth my time, and I am not 100% sure it is worth my daughter’s time (even though we have lovely sisters who put it together and 1 sister who goes the extra mile and likes to pick up my daughter from school and feed her before taking her to Achievement Days with her daughters. I put in a lot of work trying to socialize and be friendly, and it doesn’t seem to have done anything rather than make everyone uncomfortable.
- Circumstances at my daughter’s school convince me that her teacher is uncomfortable/ambivalent about us, and her new principal doesn’t like my husband. It’s complicated because my daughter is excelling in some areas and between her and my husband, they painting a red target on us in other areas.
I feel a little trapped because I don’t know how to disengage from the tribe [the whole meeting new people and forming new social networks is not possible when you want to crawl into a cave and hide.], I am not 100% sure I want to [heritage and marriage are tied into it on some levels – not mention my whole education program is based on belonging to the tribe for the next 5 years], and I don’t know what personal growth I would be sacrificing if I did so.
First off, it’s a different world. I think human interactions are starting to take place in more virtual tribes. Maybe online forums and social media are starting to fill the human need of interaction that once could only take place in face to face meetings. Virtual tribes can be easier for introverts. They can plug in and sign off whenever they need to as opposed to face to face interactions where they’ve got to be “on” until they find a polite out that allows them to escape the social situation and recharge.
Second, there’s nothing wrong with being a hermit. If you want or even need to withdraw from society, why not withdraw from society and forgo the anxiety or guilt you feel from spending time in solitude? I think there’s some danger in the extremes, it probably wouldn’t be healthy for a person’s psyche if they moved to a cave and never talked to another human being ever again but limiting social interactions and seeking solitude when needed can be healthy.
I’ve yammered on and on about this before, I think a mistake we made as a culture was in assigning qualities that come naturally to extroverts as Christlike attributes, meaning they are qualities everyone should strive for and you are committing sins of omission if you aren’t a boisterous participant in social situations.
Those 4 Sundays you missed. What is the principle concern that drives the guilt, (1) I missed out on something I may have needed or (2) what will my tribe think of me for not being active?
AmyJ wrote:
I don’t know what personal growth I would be sacrificing if I did so.
I don’t know… it’s just that I find immense value in my alone time, even Superman had a fortress of solitude. Solitude can teach you to hear, trust, and find peace in your inner voice. Solitude can even teach you the value of connecting with others. But we’ve been conditioned to view solitude as a bad or negative thing. What about the personal growth that you’d be sacrificing by not embracing solitude.
Again, I’m not saying go off and live in a cave – moderation in all things – I’m just saying that life on the island isn’t so terrible.
We sometimes refer to this forum as an Island of Misfit Toys. There is a HUGE difference between the idea that no (wo)man is an island (which I believe with some exceptions) and that islands are bad. There is a reason islands are some of the most visited vacation spots – and why we are encouraged to find individual, sacred spaces outside of church. In a real way, for those for whom it works, the temple can be an island vacation for a few hours. If the temple isn’t such a place for someone, the same idea of separation for a break is important.
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