- This topic is empty.
-
Posts
-
Hello, I have been giving a lot of thought to the difference being selfish and taking care of one’s self/setting boundaries. 1 has a very negative connotation, and the other has a slightly positive/neutral connotation.
Here are the difference(s) I see:
1.
Perspective:Most people do not want to be selfish or view themselves as being selfish, so it can be hard to see how one’s actions influence others. 2.
Manipulation:Generally when someone is being called “selfish” it is because person B wants something from person A. If person A is calling themselves selfish, it is usually a defense measure. 3.
Attitude:An unselfish person who is practicing self-care in a way that impacts others will have an attitude of respect and work to find other protocols. NOTE: I see selfishness as an opposite of Charity/Compassion. I see Self-Care/Self-Preservation as a subset of Charity (in the sense that we are to “Love Others” with ourselves being an “other”.
I am looking for tips/best practices on how to tell when the voice inside you is advising you towards selfishness, or towards self-preservation.
I’m sure you’ve heard of the analogy with airplanes where the flight attendants tell you that in the event of loss of cabin pressure, you should put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others. I don’t know if you’ll relate to this, but I play Overwatch and I often play as Mercy, one of the healers. In this sort of game as a healer, self-preservation should almost always be your #1 priority. It seems super counterintuitive because your job is to keep other players alive. But if you die, your team is out a healer for 30 seconds while you respawn and get back to the objective. That cripples your team’s effectiveness. It’s often better to retreat and let teammates die for overextending themselves than to let yourself die.
Whether we’re talking about physical health or any other kind of health or needs to be met, it’s important to remember that if you are not taking care of yourself, you are of no help to anyone else.
I absolutely agree with all that, Beefster. I guess the question I have is how can you tell if it genuine self-preservation vs selfishness internally?
If you ask others for advice on that front, they are going to have an inherent internal bias towards your action being “selfish” because it impacts them. It seems that about 5 years or so into a marriage, a partner will help the other partner towards self-care because it turns out to be in their self-interest. For example, when I was sleep-deprived while dealing with a newborn and being mean(ish) to my husband, he insisted I go lay down and rest – equal parts self-interest (his life is better when I am not fighting/being mean towards him) and charity (he wanted to give me a break).
And sometimes when the concern for “selfishness” comes up from an outside source – it is right. There are times when I was leaning towards being selfish because I was taking my self-care too far.
In counseling, there is a maxim that a counselor can’t help someone be healthy if that counselor isn’t healthy. The key to me is whether someone still is focused on helping others, while recognizing that self-care is a constant need. It is the effort to find a proper balance that includes solid self-care. Balance is the key, and balance is an individual thing.
Sometimes DW will bemoan some task that has been requested of her that she dreads. She will usually say something like the following, “I want to say no but is that Christ like?” I almost always tell her, “You are not Jesus.” DW is very conscientious. When she takes on a responsibility she will “pick up the slack” left by others because she cannot bear to let things “fall through the cracks” and have her name associated with the disappointment the end users might feel. Burnout is always a very real possibility. And yet she feels racked with guilt when someone asks her to take on yet another responsibility that she does not want to do.
However, even Jesus exercised self care. He was not just a slave to be worn out at the beck and call of others. He retreated to the wilderness for meditation and personal time. He seems to have valued his time for adequate sleep. He was often deliberate In his actions. Even when he received word that his friend Lazarus was sick he continued in the place where he was for an additional 2 days. I theorize that Jesus stayed because to drop everything and come running every time someone asked him to would not end up serving anyone very well. Even Jesus had to prioritize, schedule, and even say “no” to some requests.
Mosiah 4:27
Quote:27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.
D&C 10:4
Quote:Do not run faster or labor more than you have strength and means provided to enable you to translate; but be diligent unto the end
As with so many things, moderation is important. Saying yes to everything is a problem. OTOH only saying yes to your own selfish interests or, even worse, expecting others to serve your interests is also a problem.
Old Timer wrote:
The key to me is whether someone still is focused on helping others, while recognizing that self-care is a constant need. It is the effort to find a proper balance that includes solid self-care. Balance is the key, and balance is an individual thing.
Roy wrote:
As with so many things, moderation is important. Saying yes to everything is a problem. OTOH only saying yes to your own selfish interests or, even worse, expecting others to serve your interests is also a problem.
This is similar to my thoughts…
I guess the question in defining the balance is how do you know when you are out of whack? How do you respectfully teach others when they might potentially be going out of whack (if you are a parent this is something you need to teach or at least brush on otherwise the school of hard knocks will teach it for you – and it may take both the school and your foundation to teach it).
I think part of it is recognizing it is a form of self-care to help yourself before you become a burden to others in this area.
I am also beginning to think it is asking for help and/or allowing things to slide as you spend your resources to take care of you – or allowing resources to be used to teach children instead of doing whatever needs to be done yourself (which I am GREAT at).
I think another point in balance is life stage. For me, for right now, it is very difficult to serve others as much as I would like because I have a toddler. I have been considering starting to volunteer at a health clinic 1 Saturday a month, but if I do that right now, I am putting a burden on my husband watch her. In 10 years, it would be a different story.
For everything there is a time and a season.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.