Considering this path, but unsure

Hi SD,

Reading over your story, I can’t help but wonder if your bishop already knows the effect his wife had on you. You said it felt like it was an “elephant in the room”, during PPIs. If he knew, it would be a very painful realization for him. But whether he knows or not, what will bringing it up do? He can’t apologize for his wife. He’s not going to punish his wife. If he told his wife (I don’t think he will), she could get mad at him, and will think less of you. I think it is important to have somewhere to vent our frustrations, our disappointments, our struggles, etc, etc… but that’s a role for a liscenced therapist, not a Bishop. And the Bishop having a direct committed relationship to the person who’s hurt you, will only make matters worse. It doesn’t help that he’s her husband.

If you can, try to forgive her and let it go. But if you need to let it be known, call her out on it directly.

These are the kinds of reflections I need to hear. As I realize I still don’t see clearly on this issue.

Don’t take what I am writing below as a rebuttal, or that I’ve made up my mind. I haven’t. Just sharing my thought processes and answering the question.

If he knew, it would be a very painful realization for him. But whether he knows or not, what will bringing it up do?

it would be like a victim impact statement in a trial. No one knows these physical and mental effects. It would be therapeutic. I feel incredibly sad about the whole thing. Misunderstood. I regret I never shared the mental and physical impact it had on me at the time with the people involved. This was because at the time, I was afraid of being shut out of leadership forever if they knew the event had triggered a first-time clinicial depression diagnosis.

Had people known the impact, I doubt they would have launched into a refonfession of all my sins when I called a meeting to clear the air. I no longer care one bit if I ever have a formal leadership calling in the church ever again, so I am liberated to now share the impact.

Further, he is my spiritual adviser, is he not? And if these kinds of conversations are for discussion with a therapist, what good are these lay ministers to us anyway? You can’t get an appointment with an LDS therapist, and they just cut back on their counselors.

To me there is some value in being understood – or at least, sharing enough facts that such understanding is at least a possibility. Nor does he know anything about my history leading up to the point she poked a massive hole in my fragile balloon of commitment at the time.

And he isn’t aware of the depth of the effects his wife’s vindictiveness caused.

A friend of mine in the church — a rather inarticulate, but caring man, came over to my house once and told me that he’s an advocate for me in closed door leadership meetings. he said “I hear the things they say about you in priesthood executive committee”. When I asked what they say, he clammed up and wouldn’t tell me. Clearly, it’s not good.

To even have a chance, hope of being understood, particularly by someone who is in a position to to share the gravity of the impact with someone close to him who is the perpetrator, might help deaden the sadness.

If he told his wife (I don’t think he will), she could get mad at him, and will think less of you

There is no guarantee he will tell his wife. And frankly I don’t really care what his wife thinks of me anymore. She already said it in a nasty note distributed to anyone in leadership in our Ward. He may not tell her — at least not while we’re still around. That’ll be for him to decide.

Anyway, I’m undecided. Part of me agrees with you. No one cares about the suffering of individual people in the long run. We all have our own personal hell. The fact that he never talks to me about my commitment, even when my daughter got married recently, and my wife went in for a TR, shows that his approach is indifference.

call her out on it directly.

Not feasible — sorry. She will just drag up all of her justifications for what she did. She’s out in left field and has no idea of the eternal consequences of what she did — in the context of the rest of my life. And relationship is not such that I would be comfortable speaking to her about it ever again directly.

Generally, I think people think this serves no purpose, what I am proposing. While I see it as something that might help me feel better.

Before anyone makes assumptions — I’ve experienced rather awful treatment in my community service these last five/six years. I won’t go into details, but I’ve had politicians yank promised funding over misinformation, pettiness, etcetera. I’ve had aides of elected officials walk out of my meetings and vomit negativity about me to others,who, although they disagreed with the person, refused to back me up due to her boss’s political power. Stuff like that. Things that are similar in their untowardness to this situation, but in secular contexts. It comes with the territory of being a shaker and a mover. Have these situations been disturbing? Yes! Have they lessened my commitment? No! It seems that such destructive behavior is easier to take from Gentiles who have not made a commitment to unity, to kindness, to relationships. I just make adjustments and then move on.

But this situation, the effects have been longlasting for many years now. I don’t expect to ever recover my commitment again, even if it means divorce eventually. I thought this discussion might help ease the ongoing pain and sadness I feel.

But I am undecided.

I very much believe that to be understood is a need.

Having some people in our lives whom we can be real with is invaluable. Unfortunately, for me I can be as real with my bishop as I can be with my boss.

Had another experience watching TV this evening. Realized neither of them probably care deeply enough to care. So why try to encourage them to care?

As one INFJ to another, we care – our narrative is built on caring – it is what we do. We put an unconscious bias on caring because it is important to us and is a personal focal point. In our framework, it is baffling and/or outside personal comprehension that others might not care to the degree we do.

I am not trying to say what is right/wrong to any degree, just something I have learned in the last while that seems to help create understanding in my universe.

It gets to the whole child in the gospel thing. children want to be understood, adults want to understand. I am not sure it is a blanket rule, though. i understand why she did what she did….covey said to seek first to understand, then to be understood, it goes both ways.

I believe many times adults get to impose their will on children because we have all the authority. Kid’s perspectives seem to be so limited and riddled with misplaced priorities. It can be difficult to try to understand rather than to dictate.

My 10 year old Auspie son got into an argument with another boy about geography. My son was factually correct but I needed him to drop the subject and not continue on. Later when I talked to him about it he did not understand why correcting the misunderstanding of this other boy was not being helpful. “After all”, Roy Jr. reasoned, “if I do not correct this inaccurate information this boy will just make the same mistake in some future setting”. I had to explain to him that kids usually do not take correction well from individuals that they view as their peers. Better that his parents or teachers teach him proper understanding of geography. With the correcting information coming from another kid, this other boy will likely dig in his heals and become hostile towards my son. Another covey principle is to seek win/win. My child arguing with this other boy looks like lose/lose to me.

With adults this becomes trickier. I try to emphasize relaying positive information. I try to praise what I would like to see more of because giving negative feedback can be so delicate.