I’ve decided I will be opening up to my bishop

Good luck, but remember, what you are doing is likely irreversible. If you go in talking about doubts, or aspects of the church you have trouble with, you expose yourself to leadership roulette. Results could range from help and empathy, to discipline and offence taken by the leaders. You are expose to the full vagaries, incompetence, or competence of local leadership. And that, for me, is scary.

And this could follow you for as long as you’re in the stake, and for the rest of your life in your family. You may seem like you don’t need or want the church now, but circumstances change. I leave myself open to a road to damascus experience like Paul had, and have great doubt in my own rationality and beliefs at any point in time.

I hope I don’t sound TBM, as I am not, by any means.

Now, you could go in on the approach that you don’t deny testimony experiences you’ve had, but you are tired, lacking fulfilment in the church, etcetera. Keep it vague and focused on some objective, like getting out of a calling. But for simply “coming out”, think carefully before you do as the outcome is likely hard to reverse, at least in the short term.

I appreciate the concern, SD, but I feel I’ve been letting fear control me. If they apply disciplinary action, so be it. If my coming out makes it hard for me to return should I decide to do so, it rests on their shoulders, not mine. A couple of other members of the ward have opened up about their faith crises in the past, so I have my hopes that everything is going to be okay.

I think most of us here are supportive of whatever you decide. The object, in my view, is what brings you the greatest personal peace. So, if this results in personal peace, we are happy for you! If it creates more problems, we are also here for you!

I too support whatever you decide. It is not what I would do but it does not seem to be destructive or malicious. Maybe that is what you need in order to move forward.

I do have a few thoughts.

1) The poor bishop is just some guy that got an administrative calling. For me, he does not come between me and God. Also, I do not particularly see him as representing the church organization. I just do not see him as having any sort of real influence. (DW and I once went to our bishop for marriage counseling. We really did see him as a type of “father” of the ward. My views have changed.)

2) Decide what you want to happen and then move towards that goal.

If my coming out makes it hard for me to return should I decide to do so, it rests on their shoulders, not mine.

I would like to see you be proactive in doing what is best for you. I feel that will yield better more purposeful results that you own… rather than just throwing the ball into “their” court and letting the chips fall where they may.

3) As a follow-up to #2, I would like for you to have a next step. What happens after you share with bishop and parents?

You are the captain of your ship. Good luck and God bless in your unique journey.

I think Roy makes valid points. My biggest regret in “coming out” to my parents was my focus was transparency in my feelings as opposed to mutual understanding and respect between us. They handled it as best they could, but I wish I had been more clear on my purpose for it. Someone said it on here recently, and it’s been repeating in my head since, but authenticity is not equivalent to transparency. Since I’ve been going to church this past while some of that tension has eased between us, but I mostly attribute it to my parents feeling better about my choices. The lack of communication and true understanding and respect for each other’s thoughts and beliefs is still there because that was a skill and habit my family has always lacked, regardless of church attendance. The similarity of life decisions was able to hide it well for so many years, though. I would echo Roy’s suggestion as to getting more clear on what you expect this to accomplish and what your next steps are; realizing that your spirituality is your own and your decisions are fully up to you.

As I’ve said before, I simply stopped attending church and didn’t have any reveals or fallouts with church leadership, but know that it can happen. Also working in my favor is how much I tend to move, so neither the leadership or membership was ever an issue for me. Your experience may be different.

Essentially I echo Roy and DJ: I support you as you do what you decide, even though I would choose differently/wish I had chosen differently.

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Well said, Mom. I’ve actually tired of telling people what you said about every one of them going wrong – but it has been my experience as well. Some are much worse than others, but they do all go badly.

I actually do see bishops, etc. as representing the church organization. I do not see them representing the gospel or God. Either way, as you say I don’t see them as having any real influence. I once shocked a bishop by telling him he only had as much influence as I let him have – just like Satan.

I suppose I should qualify my statement. I might be inclined to seek an apology, or acknowledgement, or validation from the church. I do not believe a bishop could give that to me. If the bishop was amazing acknowledged and validated all of my concerns over the messiness and even somewhat deceptive practices of the organizational church even going as far as to apologize for the hurt of my experiences – does that mean that the church acknowledged, validated, and apologized. I do not believe that it does.

To say it another way, when the bishop is following the church handbook, sitting in disciplinary counsel, performing tithing settlement, worthiness interviews, etc. then the bishop is acting as a church representative. When he deviates from the stated directives and policy then I believe he is acting on his own accord and not as the church representative.

Therefore I believe that the answer to whether a bishop represents the church is yes, no, and it depends.

I think of what I might like to get out of a “all cards on the table” meeting with my bishop. I feel that my bishop just does not have the authority give me what I might like to have – like an apology. But he does have the authority to deny me church privileges. :sick:

Authentic is an interesting word. Every person is multi faceted. Our better sides and our worst side make us up. The two don’t perform simultaneously. To be authentic you have to show all of you. Not just the hurt side.

I used to marvel at my mom when I was a kid. She could be so mad at me, and totally friendly to the neighbor. If she was mad at me, I expected her to be the same to the neighbor. Not until I was older did I understand. The neighbor hadn’t done anything. Was my mom being duplicitous? No. As a kid I thought she was. Like her happiness was hypocritical.

When faith transition people come out, we are usually still at a very raw point. We can barely separate the hurt in our heart from anything else. Every movie, song, even sunny day is effected by our pain. This carries over into our human relations. Your parent’s didn’t cause this. They won’t understand or even perceive the world you see. All it will feel like is a stab in the heart.

I am not asking you to lie or anything, but think very carefully. Every one of us here, walks the same tight rope. Many of us have spouses we yearn to have feel our pain. We have to choose. You have the luxury of sharing your pain gently.

If it is so important to you, perhaps give them the book Planted by Patrick Mason or The God Who Weeps by the Givens. Let them have time to consider a paradox change, without you being that person.

I was the believing spouse who got the come out to. It hurt like the biggest betrayal life could offer. We spent years battling, strained, struggling to war through it. Both of our pains were real – but on opposite ends of the spectrum. Someone had to release the hold on their pain first. As Curt pointed out the only life you are in charge of is yours. If you hurt them – you can’t fix it. No way, no how. I get your desire – but take long walks, write out your pain on paper with a pen, then throw it out, take up gym time, start a new hobby. Give this 6 more months. You owe it to all of you.