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My husband and I have been married for nearly 11 years now, and we are each other’s best friends (even 6 months into Stage 4). We were talking about stuff – quasi church stuff and just stuff. I mentioned how the church was not fully transparent in regards to where the monies are spent outside of the audit mentioned each General Conference and whatever requirements are needed for the IRS. NOTE: I am undecided as to whether I think further transparency from the church would be good, and I was giving him information in a neutral fashion – just that these are the only 2 parameters I know of regarding church disclosure of monies. He thought further transparency was not needed and would give anti’s ammunition against the church. I mentioned that I thought that most people weren’t anti/actually against the church, just had a hard time with the belief system, or some of the commandments/traditions of the church as they understood them.
He mentioned “sometimes you are too empathetic” towards non-traditional believers these days and take their points of view a little too far in shaping my viewpoints from his perspective…
I stopped and gave him a strange look because I am an Aspie and our empathy is buried deeply in strange places at random intervals – this is not a traditional moment for empathy. I was also surprised because his comment meant he understand that I had a non-traditional view while missing the concept that my empathy might be coming from similar struggles…
Having a son the spectrum – your husband’s comment is totally funny. I know context shifts it a bit, but spectrum people are known for not getting emotional cues right all the time. Good for you girl.
This to me seems like a perfect example of breaking something gently. As long as you can have mutual respect for each other the incremental approach might just work. Roy wrote:
This to me seems like a perfect example of breaking something gently. As long as you can have mutual respect for each other the incremental approach might just work.
I don’t know whether it will work, but I am a control freak when it comes my personal internal self-control, so deliberately unleashing much grief uncontrolled is not and never has been my style.
Mostly, I take greater responsibility for my actions because I have more information on what Stage 4 is, what I am experiencing, and I am the theoretical expert at living my life. Since I have more information, I have more responsibility.
It also helps that I don’t “know” a lot – and I know even less than I thought I knew going into stage 4. So since I don’t “know” what I do/don’t know, what is there to tell – rather than the “it’s not so simple” and generic facts about situations.
Amy, the good news in your comment is: Quote:We were talking about stuff – quasi church stuff and just stuff.
In my frame of reference, that is huge.As a side note: I am open & transparent about my personal finances to the church as they are (to me) with their
finances. I don’t go into any details at year end for Tithing Settlement or TR interviews.
Minyan Man wrote:
Amy, the good news in your comment is:Quote:We were talking about stuff – quasi church stuff and just stuff.
In my frame of reference, that is huge.
Thanks – it’s what we do. We have hit most minefields communication-wise at least once, and learned a few “what not to do” things for us. We talk about traditions a lot (without the label per se) because we both usually buck tradition, and take some happiness from doing so. In the last 5 years, we have found out that our brains are not wired for tradition – so now we know…
Minyan Man wrote:
As a side note: I am open & transparent about my personal finances to the church as they are (to me) with theirfinances. I don’t go into any details at year end for Tithing Settlement or TR interviews.
Up until my Stage 4 transition, I “assumed” that there was divine enhancement of all monies in the church and that there was “prophetic” spending of the monies. Now I am more realistic and no longer treat it like a “Santa Clause” event where everything just magically appears and works out financially for the church.
Thankfully, I can bow into the cultural stereotype and let my husband handle the details given out at the end of year Tithing Settlement. For TR/Schooling interviews, I check the checkbox as expected.
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