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It is challenging at times to find something within the scriptures/lesson for class and life that I feel applies to me when I walk out that door and into my everyday life. However, there are some threads that have finally come together, so I am acting as that woman in the New Testament and calling for you, my friends, to rejoice with me over the spiritual drachma I am holding 
One of the Conference talks that I listen to and think about a lot is this one by President Holland:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/lord-i-believe?lang=eng I have been studying out the dicotomy of the father’s statement, “Lord, I believe. Help Thou my unbelief”. The tension is real between those conflicting thoughts. My equivalent crying out is ” Lord, I believe , Help Thou My Unbelief [ maybe make it stop hurting, stop the nails on the chalkboard for some church meetings, help me to see You – and what You want from me].”
When we studied the end of Jesus’s ministry, he asked his disciples “what would you have me do?” [in as many words, I am paraphrasing here because the essence of the question was more important than the exact wording for me at the time.] In a sense, I felt that the question was posed to me personally. What do I want God to do in my life (if anything)? I took this to a more literal phrase though – what am I expecting from God?
This week, we studied the brother of Jared with his experience with God that was started by a similar question. Through this experience, I was startled to realize that what compels me to believe the most is that intimate understanding demonstrated between the conversation with Jesus Christ and the brother of Jared. In the story, God saw the brother of Jared for who he is, saw the problems he was facing in leading the people, and implemented the brother of Jared’s plan.
I want to know [or believe as an integral part of my faith narrative] that God sees me for who I am, and that as impractical as it may seem, I am who I am and where I am “for as such a time as this” as was Esther. I want reassurance that there is “room in the tent” for me.
As for what I was half-asking God for (maybe quarter-asking?), time (and careful meeting attendance protocols) will resolve the pain/nails on the chalkboard feelings. And it might be a case of in order for God to see me, I have to see Him (in the figurative or narrative-creation sense) – which is the eventual resolution of Stage 4 into Stage 5 (or Stage 3 for some people).
I guess what I am pulling from these scriptures is that the lessening of my cognitive dissonance (my faith issues) is dependent on my actions (I can choose what I do when I do it and why I do it to a certain extent), and is more of a “me” thing then a “God” action thing at this time. I can ask the seed of divinity inside me what I really want from life, and what I am really willing to contribute to that cause. I can make sure there is “room in the tent for me” by building a bigger tent (probably a faith narrative agnostic version) if I can’t fit in the current tent (or find one) as it were.
AmyJ wrote:
It is challenging at times to find something within the scriptures/lesson for class and life that I feel applies to me when I walk out that door and into my everyday life. However, there are some threads that have finally come together, so I am acting as that woman in the New Testament and calling for you, my friends, to rejoice with me over the spiritual drachma I am holding
I rank the scriptures. Gospels come first, and maybe Acts. Then other parts of the New Testament. Jesus’ personal teachings are ahead of Paul’s letters. Genesis is more important to me than Leviticus and so on. Leviticus is practically unreadable and mostly irrelevant to me.
The Book of Mormon is ahead of the D&C mostly, and oth of them ahead of the Book of Moses. The Book of Abraham is way down my pile, below conference talks.
I like that the father in the story says he believes but to help him.with his unbelief, we have all been there.
Amy it is so fun to watch you grow. Your sincerity comes through in your words. I love this latest connection. The idea of a generous God who doesn’t care about our darkness is an inspiring truth we rarely teach. I hope someday you can pass this along to others. We all need it. AmyJ wrote:
I guess what I am pulling from these scriptures is that the lessening of my cognitive dissonance (my faith issues) is dependent on my actions (I can choose what I do when I do it and why I do it to a certain extent), and is more of a “me” thing then a “God” action thing at this time. I can ask the seed of divinity inside me what I really want from life, and what I am really willing to contribute to that cause. I can make sure there is “room in the tent for me” by building a bigger tent (probably a faith narrative agnostic version) if I can’t fit in the current tent (or find one) as it were.
That is good Drachma! I love your ponderings Amy!
Another good exercise for the soul is to consider there is no god, and seeking his approval is to search for something that never will be found. If you suspend belief for a while, and help that unbelief grow, you may be able to work on loving yourself for who you are, regardless of anything outside yourself. Then you can return to your belief with a stronger self to allow faith to grow.
God is within.
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