Hard to believe God is that cruel !

So sorry to hear, Rebel. That’s a very tough place to be.

Echoing Roy a bit… It’s your wife who is being cruel. It’s also, largely because of the teachings of the Church, that has caused this. I doubt God has very much to do with it. If your wife really means it, that you have to be someone who are not, there is nothing you can do. It’s hard for many TBMs to believe this, but when you honestly, truthfully believe something isn’t true, you can’t just start believing in it because you want to or wish it was so. It’d be like believeing the earth is flat, or that fairies are real. I could sooner change my height or the color of my skin.

Even if the Church was true, would God really want you to be baptized if you honestly believed it was not? I figure, it’s better to do what you feel is right, and turn out to be wrong, than do what you feel is wrong, and turn out to be right. I don’t see how being rebaptized for anything other than believing the Church to be true, can turn out well. I’d fight for your marriage, and hold fast to your covenants. The promises you made were to God and your wife, not the Church. If your wife leaves you for following God, it’s on her.

Best of luck, friend. If you need someone to talk to, or a call, or anything I can offer on my end, shoot me a PM. It’s a very hard thing you’re going through, and I’d hate for you to go it alone.

I have been out of the church for almost a year. It was my hope that when I resigned that my wife would follow , I was wrong she is dug in as far as one could get a true TBM . I do not believe in Mormonism at all except for basic Christianity. She is still pushing for me to come back (rebaptized) or else . Why would God be so cruel as to put me in this situation ? Its a no win . if I go back where is my integrity ? If I don’t go back my 40 year marriage may end . Hard to visualize a God that can’t make this work . Thoughts.

I think it’s your wife making you do this hard decision, not God. I hestitate to blame you personally for being in this situation, although your decision to resign is part of it.

Here is where you have to do a cost-benefit analysis and see if the costs of joining the church again outweigh the benefits of keeping your marriage together.

Also, will your wife keep pushing until you are a TR holder again?

It’s easier if all she expects is basic membership, but TR holding and full tilt service can be hard to manage.

Why did you resign?

I am not saying it was right or wrong. I can’t know that. I’m simply saying you are the one who chose to change your relationship so dramatically with your wife, and you are the one who did it hoping to change her – by taking her away from what works for her. Remember that: The Church works for her, and you wanted to take that away from her. It is easy to say she is being demanding, manipulative, and coercisive – but she didn’t change the relationship. You did. Therefore, you have the majority responsibility to make it work if you truly want it to work.

I parsed Rebel’s initial post very differently.

It was my hope that when I resigned that my wife would follow

She is still pushing for me to come back (rebaptized) or else .

One can hope that their spouse will follow them on their journey and still not be taking any actions to make that a reality. I didn’t see in the initial post where Rebel said he was “taking her away from what works for her.” Maybe there’s more implied action in the initial post but I think there’s a difference between hoping and taking action. I think many people on both sides of a mixed faith marriage hope that their spouse will come around all while continuing to support their spouse 100%. And of course there are people in mixed faith relationships that pressure their spouses to change. I see Rebel saying he hopes and I see Rebel saying his wife pushes… or else.

I’m sure resigning upped the tension. Still, can’t someone resign and be supportive of their spouse in their beliefs?

I agree that I don’t believe it’s god that’s doing this to families. I think it’s more related to being a byproduct of fear. People want to protect their eternal family, they believe that remaining loyal to the church is requisite. When a family member isn’t loyal to the church it threatens their eternal family. They’re afraid. Not only for their eternal family, they also fear for the salvation of people they love. I don’t think god places us in these situations, I think the situations are byproducts of believing in a god that prioritizes obedience and loyalty to the church.

Hi Rebel,

I went back and read your old posts to get a better sense of “backstory” and where you are coming from.

1) I think it might be a great idea to give us an introduction with your history, how your faith crisis developed, how you came to the point of name removal etc. I am particularly interested to know what kind of communication you had with your spouse prior to the name removal and where she stood. Are there kids in the picture? are they grown?

2) It does not appear that your situation has changed very much in the 9 or so months since you found the Staylds site. You seem to have gone through periods where you made peace with the idea of rejoining the church and other periods where you feel resistant to that.

I feel that part of moving forward for you should be to make a plan and stick to it. If the plan is to be re-baptized then move forward with that. If the plan is to not become a member of the church but to attend as a non-member to support your wife (maybe have a calling in the scout program) then move forward with that. IF you are communicating to your wife on some days that you will be re-baptized and on other days that it is not fair that she require you to be re-baptized and that your personal integrity will not allow it…. IF that is the case then the emotional roller coaster ride is not fair to you OR your wife.

To help minimize the emotional ups and downs I recommend making a plan jointly with your spouse. If I were to make such a plan, I would try to not overcommit to things that might not be sustainable for me. I might commit to rebaptism and at least twice a month church attendance. I would commit to continue to live by the big church standards of chastity, WoW, etc. Tithing would be a hard one for me. I would probably be upfront with DW that “full tithe payment” might not work for me. I would be open to a very generous fast offering and support her in paying a full tithe on any income that she personally receives.

You cannot commit to any changes of belief now or in the future – but you can come up with a reasonable game plan of what you are willing to sustainably give and contribute with your current level of belief.

Whatever you and your spouse jointly decide – it needs to be a compromise you both can live with and then you need to do your best to stick to it.

I hope some of this helps in your situation.

I’m so happy to hear everything is looking better with your marriage. I think that is a very brave, kind, empathic approach your wife has taken. I once told my wife that, once upon a time, it would’ve completely broken my heart to even think about my spouse leaving the Church. I hope you let her know often how much her decision means to you.

I am enjoying being a non member but have noticed some shunning at ⛪ Thoughts ?

It’s to be expected, I think; I’ve felt shunned more than my fair share too. I’m not sure how much the ward knows about your situation, but rumor gets around. I’m sure the bishopbric and ward council doesn’t know what do to with you. If you’re choosing to distance yourself, it’s going to be tough to build up any strong relationships. More often than not, people will think of you how they think you think of them. You can always ask to be added to the EQ email list, and sign up for service opportunities. If you’re up for it, try going to ward activities and get-togethers. Relationships are a two way street.