I Need Some Advice

IloveChrist, I have always enjoyed your comments on this site.

I feel for you in your struggles. I see a very good person trying very hard to just do good.

I could give comments such as give yourself some slack and be patient, but I think the best advice I can give you is to see a therapist. I think that is your best bet. Remember a good therapist doesn’t tell you what to do, they help you help yourself.

Best of luck in your journey.

Both DJ and LH have given you some good advice.

My perspective is a little different, so my advice will be a little different.

A. Keep up with meditation/mindfulness practices. I have found that my anxiety is better managed and my perspective more balanced when I take time to do this. Recently, I spent several days with a higher level of anxiety and realized that I had slacked on taking 15 minutes to meditate/be mindful.

B. “Let It Go” in judging yourself or other people’s religious stances. It’s up to you to figure out how to translate “Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy” in your life – it might be the most holy Sundays if you only go to Sacrament Meeting and then go for a hike in nature. You are the only one qualified to judge that. Recognizing that most people are focused on practicing their religion in Stage 3 (and that might be what God wants for them) means not judging them for doing that.

MOST IMPORTANT PART: Do what you need to do to manage the panic attacks/stress/anxiety in your life. If your current actions aren’t working, then trade up to something else – experiment responsibly to see what works and what doesn’t.

If you have the resources to go a therapist as advised – great! If not, educate yourself on anxiety, write down what your triggers are and what you can do to mitigate them. What helped me was having a list of common anxiety triggers (for example, Black and White thinking) and identifying those in my life. Meditation/Mindfulness practice has been a help to me as well – it might help you.

In truth Dande, I have often wondered if the “philosophies of men” thing doesn’t apply to the church as much as anyone else – there’s no question in my mind that we do that.

I can only give you the advice I would give myself… the myself from years ago when I suffered a lot from similar issues… but I say all this keeping in mind that you are I are different people, so you have to assimilate and adjust as appropriate.

resigning from the church to join another, where I thought I’d be happier and more at peace, didn’t change anything.

Very likely to be true. You’ve formed a pretty specific view of God that doesn’t exactly match the Mormon God, but also probably doesn’t match the God of any other specific denomination. I tried to be just Christian for a while, but couldn’t get past a different set of issues any more than I could get past the Mormon issues. I think if I were required to switch, I’d try to be Catholic. Yet, I’m sure you know that Church has lots of problems as well. RLDS/CoC? Could work, but it was still founded by JS, so brings along all that baggage, including polygamy.

won’t be able to obtain exultation

In LDS theology, we will almost all live in a glorious realm of indescribable beauty. I think I’d rather live in the LDS Terrestrial Kingdom than achieve exaltation; where I’d have a never-ending job as a manager over a very large company filled with employees who mostly seem close to being fired.

letting God down

From my own perspective, I’ve come to believe that Christians in general put WAY too much emphasis on not hurting God’s feelings. In LDS theology this entire enterprise is for OUR benefit, rather than God’s. Just as an example, we put so much emphasis on the SUFFERING of Christ, which is ironic, since the purpose of the atonement is said to be to free us from suffering. We talk as if we OWE IT to God to be good. That Jesus will be sad (hear that occasionally) if we don’t follow him. It’s all off-mark to me.

Consider this anti-parable. An elderly man struggles in the snow to change a flat tire on his very old car. Suddenly a light appears in the storm and the man sees a figure walking toward him. As the figure gets closer, the man recognizes Jesus. The man is cold. He’s got the wheel off, but hasn’t got the strength to put the spare on. Jesus leans down, puts his hands on the man’s shoulder and in a calm deep voice says, “Dude, you can’t imagine how much that hurt. Those Romans were real SOBs. I don’t want you to forget how much I suffered… so just always keep that in mind. It’ll really disappoint me if you don’t do what I say.” Then Jesus turns and slowly walks back into the light. After the light fades, the man looks down and finds something miraculous: Jesus has now made the spare flat, too, because he wants the man to learn some lesson and after all, the Lord chastens the ones he loves.

Of course, this is not a proper view of God/Christ. If LDS theology is correct, they are actively trying to make everything better for you. It should feel like and invitation to gain something rather than a threat to lose something. And the actors are us, not a deity in yonder heavens.

my family and friends will be crushed

That’s too much of a burden to bear. It will lead to feeling trapped. Anxiety/depression will surely follow. I know this personally.

We always seem to think those around us are the most fragile people ever to live. But surely, this cannot be a motivator to allow ourselves to be crushed. I always recommend thinking of reversed roles. Imagine that your has come to believe differently from you. But they don’t want to crush you, so instead, they’ve decided to pretend they still have the same faith as you, even though it tears them up on the inside and makes them feel trapped. Their entire motivation in this self-crushing sacrifice is to not hurt your feelings. They live their life on the constant edge of anxiety/depression and filled with unfulfilled dreams, but keep it all hidden from you, because they fear you might be hurt if you knew about them. Then, one day, you find yourself on the other side of the veil in the afterlife and you learn that your has suffered their whole life in order not to tell you they have a different faith to avoid hurting you. How would you feel about that? If you could go back in time, to the beginning when they started to do this, what would you tell them?

Part of my faith journey has been to let go of thinking I know exactly what is pleasing to God. There are some good general principles but specific beliefs and the performance of specific ordinances seems too limiting for a HF that wants to save and exalt more than just a small portion of his children.

This!!!

When I think of the 2 Great Commandments (Love and Serve God, Love and Serve Others – including ourselves), I know general principles such as the Golden Rule and generally how to apply them (working on it – but at least I have the training wheels on this bike in that area). But the question I do not have the answer is “How does God want me to show love and/or serve aside from the 2nd Great Commandment?”

A related question, “Is the way that God wants me to do this things I have already been taught?”

If I get too vocal about my doubts, I could risk being excommunicated.

FWIW, I’ve had six Bishops, now, who I’ve talked to and let them know that I’m no longer a believer. I haven’t been excommunicated yet. I haven’t been asked to stay quiet. I have been given callings, including primary teacher and GD teacher during this time. I don’t think it’s leadership roulette that has kept me from excommunication. I think it has to do with the fact that I don’t promote any contrary view. For example, although I hope for a day in the not-so-distant future in which same sex marriage will be accepted, I approach it by talking about inclusiveness and kindness. I often will say that some child in our primary is homosexual but nobody knows it yet and I hope that when that child finds out, that we can have a ward that will accept them for who they are, etc, etc. I’m not going to be excommunicated for that, no matter who the leader is.

My family and I have participated at other churches for years. In Mormon lingo, I say that we attend or belong to the LDS church but we participate at several different churches. In general Christian parlance I say that the LDS church is our “Home Church.”

I also tell individuals that sometimes ask about my story that I enjoy supplementing my spirituality. I believe that implied in that statement is that I do not feel fully fed in the LDS church – a true statement. There can also be seasons of life where this can ebb and flow. We currently participate in other churches much less because my daughter turned 12 and started attending YW every Wednesday night. It becomes a function or trying to resist overscheduling ourselves.

I caution against black and white/all or nothing thinking. The LDS church tends to promote this thinking. It can be invaluable to develop your own internal compass. Others may not understand you and may even criticize you in their ignorance. That can hurt – but they are not the captain of your ship. They do not understand where you are going or where you have been.

I also caution against life altering decisions and burnt bridges. When my kids were younger the primary program was not coming close to meeting our families needs. The YM/YW program is much better staffed and funded. It would have been shortsighted to walkaway from the church when our kids were small because our needs were not being adequately met at the time.