An Interesting Turn of Events

I am so glad that you were able to share this with your spouse in a way that was productive. May God be with you in your journey and strengthen your marriage!

AmyJ,

I’m so glad it turned out well and that hubby was supportive. I’m sure it was scary at the time and that it’s a big relief.

If you don’t mind I’ll share a summarized version of my conversation with my wife, about 3 years ago. It was date night and we were in the car and pretty much told her I think none of it’s literally true but that I wanted to still serve and support her and the kids. She was supportive and didn’t say much for about an hour and then she started bawling for about an hour straight. Big heavy sobs. I think she saw her celestial marriage evaporating in front of her eyes and I wish I didn’t have to put her through that. To her credit she was never angry and said she’d support me and love me forever. Our marriage in some ways is stronger now, several years later, than it was before then. I feel like I can be more open and honest. It’s hard to explain, I think we both know we have to rely on each other now, not on God or the church to make marriage work.

That’s not to say it doesn’t present challenges and friction – it absolutely does especially when it comes to questions about what we teach our kids. But overall I’m a big supporter of being honest with the spouse. I will say that, like everything in life, this turn of events will continue to evolve. He may internally struggle with your faith transition so keep loving and supporting him, which is sounds like you do.

Best wishes on this roller coaster.

RR

I was trying to get it all lined up for a date night confession as it were – but our adopted grandmother developed kidney stones and infections, so spent 3 months out of grandmother commission (and hated every minute), and the logistics never worked out for our ward teenager [not to mention we are a little leery of unknown people babysitting our children because it can stress our oldest and increase the chance of developmental relapses – been there, done that, I can produce the t-shirt].

I think the biggest challenge we face is the concept of living up for a celestial marriage is a huge motivating carrot for my husband (self-imposed internalization of the teachings at church), but now it does very little for me. I can (and do) shift it to the now – I frame it in my mind as doing my best to be 1 part of a celestial marriage even if there isn’t a celestial kingdom.

Our marriage is stronger for this past year. When I “came to myself” and realized that there was a whole world of non-verbal communication I wasn’t picking up on and did not add to my internal calculations – I became more humble and started developing the protocol to take a second and third look for the communications I was missing. He learned that there were things I was not going to get, and that he could provide more translations to help me get what I was missing. We could set up the environment for success – break things down even more verbally, show love, protect each other, and charitably give each other the benefit of the doubt. There are days when it is hard – we are much better at both helping and hurting each other. But we have grown – together.

He sounds like a good man.

He is a good man. It says so much and so little with just a few words.

He is funny, at least as smart as I am, whimsical, compassionate, and a fantastic cook. He makes me have fun, reminds me to relax, and pulls me into the “Now” from either the past or the present. I love watching him interact with our children – whether he is putting stuffed animals onto his head as a “hat”, successfully re-directing our daughter into re-regulating herself and reviewing her choices, or holding me when I need to cry.

Our marriage in some ways is stronger now, several years later, than it was before then. I feel like I can be more open and honest. It’s hard to explain, I think we both know we have to rely on each other now, not on God or the church to make marriage work.

My marriage with my husband is stronger now than it was 2 years ago, absolutely. As our understanding of how my brain works improved, we set more realistic expectations. My husband arrived a personal resolution to become more respectful and charitable towards me and our children, and that has make a huge difference.

For me, I think I am more compassionate towards him because I changed our narrative by re-framing what I understand and believe in. Because I don’t currently believe in the 3 degrees of glory, and I am not entirely sure about an afterlife, I am not waiting for a celestial “happily ever after” that I may or may not have felt entitled to because of what a good person I theoretically was/am. If there are areas that need improvement here and now, I have about 30 years to do my part to fix it (before the brain no longer really remembers what it is doing).