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What keeps me in the church is my love for the core values taught by the Savior Jesus Christ, as well as the beautiful promises and doctrine regarding exaltation. However, the latter is starting to scare me more and more because of the messages women in the church receive again and again about their identity and role as daughters of God. Growing up in the church, I was taught over and over that my role was to be a mother. That this was the highest, holiest, and most sacred calling, and the most important thing I could do on this earth. In activity days and young womens we learned how to be home makers, good wives, and good mothers. It was pretty much all we ever talked about.
So when I decided I wanted to get a master’s degree in social work and become a therapist instead of having kids, life got vey existential. I got backlash from family and pestered over and over about having kids ASAP. I’ve been told choosing a career is selfish. Selfish? I’m a therapist for troubled autistic teens. I’m certainly not putting myself on a pedestal, but I struggle that in the eyes of many Mormons, my current work is somehow selfish, or not as meaningful as having my own kids. That I’m not fulfilling my purpose in life. If being a mom is really my calling and purpose, that is terrifying to me. Because that just isn’t what I want.
But here is what is most terrifying for me: we say being a mother is divine, and a high and holy calling. If that is the case, why do we know nothing about our Mother? Why is speaking of her taboo? My whole life I’ve been told to be a mother, and to become like God, but have been given no heavenly role model for the kind of woman I am to become. And here is a question I struggle with daily: will I become like my Mother in heaven? Will my children never know me or speak of me? Will I be spending eternity behind the scenes? Do I actually have an eternal role that only involves having kids and being separated from them?
As a woman, I don’t agree with my role on earth and I’m terrified of my role in heaven. It’s an ongoing existential crisis. And I don’t know what to do.
I’ve never been a woman in the Church, but I figured I’d throw in my 2 cents : 1. Joseph Smith didn’t get everything right. Neither has Brigham Young or any prophet up through and including Nelson. Neither have I. Neither have you.
2. We need good mothers. We need good theraptists.
3. People cling to religion, in part, because it gives us certainty in this crazy, unfair, uncertain world. Sometimes, there’s no certainty to be had, but people need it anyways.
4. I no longer look at different religious beliefs in the “I’m right, your wrong, I need to correct this” view as I did many years ago. Sometimes people need to believe in something that might or might not be true. Maybe I need to believe in something different.
5. You can tackle God-Motherhood, and all the nuances of it, when you get there. TBH, I think all our talk of the next life can get in the way of what’s important. Here and now, there are autistic teens who need help. There are children who live their lives being sold as sex slaves. There’s nearly a billion people who are too poor to even eat. That’s what matters.
You are not alone in your struggle. Mine isn’t quite the same as yours, but I have plenty of friends who find frustrations with what is and what isn’t – when it comes to being a woman in this church. For me I was blessed with a personal “testimony” of a Heavenly Mother or a Feminine Divine at 4 years old. It has been a comfort and mainstay as I have trekked through our religion. I am clearly aware that I am an outlier in that. I am so grateful for it.
I also believe the “working woman” issue is definitely a generational thing. When I was 20, President Benson gave a whole talk on Women Staying in the Home. It caught on like wildfire. Some Stakes/Wards went as far as to limit leadership callings if a woman chose to work outside the home (even if it didn’t effect her family i.e., no kids, or grown kids)
Again I was blessed that when that talk was being given, I said a prayer, explaining to Heavenly Father my circumstances. I had no kids. It looked like we couldn’t have kids. I’d felt strongly that adoption was not a good option. I was good at my career. I felt I was on a right path. Immediately I felt calm, supported, validated. I continued to work. I believe I did very meaningful work. (Your’s is more meaningful than mine,. I have a son on the spectrum. You are saving lives. Entire families, in fact.) – And to drive my nice car, wear my Nordstrom clothes, and be fine.
I actually hurt for women who had to make the choice.
So how does this all apply to you? It’s my way of encouraging you to let go of the guilt. Talk to Heavenly Mother as you go along. Meet her in life. Talk to Heavenly Father, too. Keep doing your vital work. I meant what I said before – you are saving families. If people get really snickery ask them about Women teachers, Nurses, Doctors. Somehow those are ok. Last of all learn about Chieko Okazaki. She was a teacher, a principal, sat on school boards and eventually was one of the most beloved members of an awesome General Relief Society Presidency. I have no doubt Heavenly Mother is thrilled with what you are doing.
bdavis3 wrote:
I’m a therapist for troubled autistic teens.
If you had been doing this 25 years ago, I could have been one of your patients. God bless you for this.
Please read the following post and watch the video: http://forum.staylds.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=8315&p=116746 The speaker is subtly challenging prescribed roles for women in favor of determining (together with God) the unique path of your life work. It Is Awesome!
Unfortunately, this is a message that is very new in the church. For the foreseeable future there will probably be shaming in regards to a woman’s career and family planning choices. My own daughter is 12 and the amount of chastity, modesty, marriage and family life prep at that age is unreal. Continued participation in the church without fitting the mold on those issues can require some coping mechanisms. (conversely those that fit the mold more closely may find the church emphasis intensely validating).
bdavis3 wrote:
But here is what is most terrifying for me: we say being a mother is divine, and a high and holy calling. If that is the case, why do we know nothing about our Mother? Why is speaking of her taboo? My whole life I’ve been told to be a mother, and to become like God, but have been given no heavenly role model for the kind of woman I am to become. And here is a question I struggle with daily: will I become like my Mother in heaven? Will my children never know me or speak of me? Will I be spending eternity behind the scenes? Do I actually have an eternal role that only involves having kids and being separated from them?
My own wife told me that she was less valued by God because she is a woman. She understood God the Father to have a harem (or plurality) of wives. I tried to explain to her that this is not the case. I think I made progress on an intellectual level but I do not know if I made a dent in the more deep-seated religious assumptions of her heart. I know that my understanding of how this might feel is limited. My ability to change someone else’s self esteem is very low. Therefore if any of this resonates for you in a positive way, great – take it and use it in whatever way is helpful. If anything I write is not your cup of tea – fell free to ignore it. Not everything that works for me has to work for you and that is perfectly ok.
Here is my answer as a man. I do not believe that it will be uplifting to you. I do hope that it will help you to not second guess your divine potential because of historical theology.
1) the JudeoChristian God developed in a time that was very male centric (plus or minus 1000BC). God was imagined and described to have male qualities because men held the power and men wrote the sacred texts. God being incomplete and needing a feminine counterpart does not appear to have been a consideration and many would consider that blasphemous.
2) Mormon theology in the 1800s introduces the concept of exaltation requiring eternal marriage. Perhaps less doctrinal but also originating from JS was the concept that God in heaven was once a man like us but is now exalted. Working backwards from these two ideas we can reasonably speculate that God must have an “eternal companion” in order to be exalted.
3) We are now in an interesting position where the existence of our Heavely Mother is quasi-doctrinal. I say quasi-doctrinal because she is not found in our standard works upon which all of our doctrine must be based. Thus, we hint at her existence without knowing much at all.
I believe this is the result of a religious tradition that was handed down to us through the course of history and with heavy cultural trappings. If the JudeoChristian God were developed in today’s more egalitarian culture, I am confident that a husband and wife god team of “equal partners” would be a much more likely representation.
You are free to believe whatever you wish about Heavenly Mother as long as you keep it to yourself and especially as long as you do not pray to her. Again, if your beliefs or practices are significantly different than the main body of members then you will not receive validation for your beliefs from your religious community. That can be hard. Some coping mechanisms may be necessary and sharing here on StayLDS can be an important pressure release valve.
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