4 Great Posts on the Middle Way

These were all really, really good. Thanks for posting them.

It’s an interesting process, and I found the articles insightful.

I am lucky as well – I can explain the final start of my faith transition with a few sentences in a way that doesn’t automatically paint me as a sinner.

It helps that my personal trigger seems to have a specific time line of about 18 months (or so) of angst and serious thinking before it mostly sorts itself out. I am about 14 months in 😆

It helps that being an unconventional fringe thinker is not new to me – honestly, I think that I have been an outlier most of my life in one way or another.

Leadership Roulette was also in my favor that my branch president could relate and made it easier. It is funny – he made sure to tell me that I could reach out to him if I had any questions (which is good, I get it) – I remember thinking, “I don’t have questions – I have probable culturally-unacceptable answers on issues that are culturally not comfortable to think/talk about”. But of course I was wise enough not to say that.

My mom and I have spent several weeks with more frequent conversations on how to support those in the middle – while my mom has always been aware of “the middle” (and would have subscribed to Dialog and Sunstone had we the resources culturally and materially growing up), my faith transition has empowered her to minister to others in her ward so that more people are supported in their faith paths by her ward. Her presidency takes seriously into consideration what I tell her would help unidentified sisters like us in their area.

I don’t know how it work out for me either.

One of my mulling-over questions is, “What do I absolutely have to believe in to authentically belong to this church, and Is it worth it?”

The answers I have:

a) In order to belong to the church, you have to really want to be there. If you want to stay a part of the church culture, you have to not be openly antagonistic and/or threatening towards leadership.

NOTE: There are some standard doctrinal answers that being there will signal to others that you at least appear to believe – Faith in God, Repentance, Baptism by Immersion, Joseph Smith, the Church Institution, Priesthood Authority just to name a few of the more obvious ones. But there are instances where you can be culturally accepted if you have a more nuanced view depending on what you disclose and how you disclose it.

b) I don’t know if it is worth it in the long run. Culturally, the sisters are a haven for me in helping me raise my ADHD/probable ASD 8.75 year old. There are probably hundreds of stories I could tell about the mom in our branch who understands the odd developmental path my daughter is on, the Super Mom who picked up my daughter from school, fed her with her other children, and took her to Achievement Days so that my daughter could be there, the clothes the sisters have lent/given us, the times when I crashed a Relief Society function with both girls and not a sister batted an eye at me (or them). When we first moved in, a sister took care of my daughter for the better part of a day while my husband supervised the movers putting in our furniture knowing little about us but that we needed help. I know I can ask 1 sister to come and watch my toddler in the nursery for an hour while I attend Achievement Days with her older sister (she needs me there to help restrain her non-socially acceptable tendencies). One of the deciding factors will be if my daughter gets bullied multiple times at church by the girls and we can’t figure out positive ways as parents and the girls involved to figure out workable solutions.

SIDE NOTE:

The common explanations regarding why people leave are partially true.

a) They had doctrinal issues – Yes, this can be part of it – but the root issue is “What else was I misinformed on and why?” I feel it isn’t so much a doctrinal issue as a personal expectation or trust issue.

b) They left because they were offended – this can be the last straw. Humans are gonna human. There is a social tension in living a person’s life that does not conform the social-cultural expectations of the group. If I leave for social reasons, it will be because I cannot reconcile being part of the community and adapting to my personal needs, or the needs of my family to the group. And there isn’t a culturally acceptable way to say, “My needs were not being met” on a variety of issues because it opens a tension-filled can of worms that spring out like a jack-in-the-box.

c) They left because they wanted to sin – Maybe this is true to a certain extent. But another way of putting it is they left because they wanted to act differently and join a different group of people to relate with. To which, President Utchdorf’s quote, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.” seems especially pertinent.

Wonderful discussion and articles. After reading and pondering them I am thinking much about seasons of life. For me – in my current stage of life -fairly active participation in the church seems to be helpful in raising my children. I like much of the structure, the support, the common mile posts of shared experience and heritage with extended family.

I do not anticipate ever not being Mormon but I could fully expect to have less involvement during different seasons in my life. That tiny window after the children go off to college but before there are any grandchildren for example. That seems like an ideal time to reduce involvement to bare minimum levels with the option of re-engaging later.

Well said, Roy. I am in a similar place as you on this.

Except I have no tiny window…2 kids went to college and married…a son on a mission…still have teenagers at home…and the grandbaby has come.

I’ve just decided to start doing church how I feel is best. The youngest in the family will have a different church experience than the olders…just the way it works out..and that is OK too.

I try to be a stage 5 parent I love all the kids no matter where they are in their faith as well.

I don’t think they get too disappointed in their dad when they know I love them to death.

My addition today: https://wheatandtares.org/2018/11/06/the-pearl-the-box/

This part you wrote particularly rang familiar and true to me:

The point of our existence is to grow, to learn to become our best selves, to gain wisdom through experience. Going to church for me surrounds me with people who don’t think just like I do. I can learn from them, sometimes by learning what not to do, and sometimes by observing what is admirable. They don’t get to vote on whether I belong or not, and only I can say what I get out of my experience.

well said.

Good post.

I have been thinking about the analogy of the pearl and the box and I have determined that it does not work for me as much as it may for some. What is the purpose of the pearl? To invite friends over to “admire the pearl”? Is it a collectors item? a trophy? I am not sure how that compares with living a Christ centered life.

In thinking somewhat about analogies I have heard I considered the analogy of the car – getting you where you want to go – and the boat plucking the individual from the sea. After some brainstorming I rather like the idea of the church as a traveling caravan in a zombie apocalypse. There is safety and security in numbers. However, if we have learned anything from watching Walking Dead it is that your fellow humans can be just as dangerous (and much more deceitful and manipulative) than the undead.

Seriously though, I am not quite sure how to define the pure gospel but I am fairly convinced that the LDS church actually gets in the way of people fully internalizing the gospel in several areas. If I were to channel Elder McKonkie and get all dogmatic, I might even say that it offers a false salvation by giving people the notion that by being good Mormons (admiring the box) they have already succeeded in their purpose and need not search further for the pearl. Would living among the Pharisees help me to be a better Christian by bringing me into regular contact with people who are both flawed and admirable and so very different from me?

I cannot go too far down that road. If I were convinced that Mormonism was keeping people from salvation then it would seem that Mormonism should be fought at all costs. It becomes the “one true church or insidious fraud” dichotomy or swapping one set of stage 3 beliefs for another.

That brings me back to the analogy of a traveling caravan in a zombie apocalypse. My caravan is far from perfect. It can be clannish and insular. There are other caravans that offer some of the same benefits. My caravan is the tribe that I know. I have paid my dues in the past and I know how to navigate the powers that be. I do not have time to learn all the ins and outs of each other traveling group. Sometimes there are good days and sometimes there are bad. Everyone dies eventually (even the main protagonists!), but those members of the caravan do not die alone and without purpose.

Back to your “Walking Dead” analogy… sometimes you should stick with the group your in, because it’s far more dangerous alone. But sometimes it can be far more dangerous in the group. Furthermore, the group doesn’t stay the same over time, and what might’ve been safe might not be anymore. Sometimes switching groups is in your best interest, and sometimes the “grass” isn’t really “greener” on the other side.

Whatever the case, unconditional loyalty is almost always unwise, and very dangerous.

Yes, I agree with most of that. I suppose unconditional loyalty could have some benefits. 1) it is an easy shorthand for moral reasoning. 2) the community supports and supplements your parenting decisions. 3) you are more likely to move up to leadership roles of respect and authority.

If you “fit in”, have deep roots in the community, and feel a sense of belonging to the group then loyalty can work fairly well. It is the people on the margins that will likely have the hardest time of it. One of the disadvantages of changing groups is that whatever new group you join, you are now the new person and that places you on the margin in several ways. Can be a crap shoot.