"Called to Serve, Not Called to Suffer"

I loved the article. I sent the listed reporters an email.

Thank you for this thoughtful and very timely article.

My own mission experience was almost 20 years ago. I remember talking to my sister over the phone while I was on a mission to South America. My sister, a lawyer in California and married to a non-member, said that if I should remember that I can come home if I want to and that “there is a big world out there that doesn’t care if you finish 2 years or not.” To me this sounded crazy. Sure there are plenty of outsiders that might not care, but in MY WORLD I might as well be branded with a scarlet F for failure.

One thing that was not mentioned in your wonderful article was the way that young women have been encouraged to seek after a return missionary for a potential marriage partner. I am not a mental health professional but in my personal experience the motivation to be considered as a potential “worthy” spouse within one’s community is intense. Conversely, facing a singles ward as an individual that might have returned early from a mission and being rejected by single adult women within your peer group can be soul crushing.

I understand that this particular pressure may also affect women that might return early from a mission but it seems to be much more pervasive for the men. The following quote is from Elder Holland at the YSA Face to Face event in 2016 that you referenced in your article and it seems relevant to the topic:

Question: How can we help girls who haven’t gone on missions know that they are not any less than those who did serve? The social rejection is sometimes unbearable.

“I was in the missionary executive counsel with President Russell Nelson when we wrestled through this issue to lower the age to 18 for young men and 19 for young women. And indelibly imprinted on my soul forever was President Thomas Spencer Monson thumping the table, pointing a finger, declaring what we would and would not do on this. He was very supportive. You remember that announcement; I mean that electric moment when he announced that in general conference, but more privately he had said, and of course he said it publicly too, but this was in the formative period of the policy. He was adamant that we were not going to create a second class citizenship for young women who did not serve a mission.

“We lean on the young men to go as much as we can; we’re pretty straight forward about that. We do an arm twist and a knee pull and go for the jugular on the men. But even there, let me be serious, if a young man doesn’t go, that does not preclude him from our association and admiration and his priesthood service and his loyalty and love of the Lord in the future in the Church. That ought to be true for young men as well as young women, but adamantly for young women.

“President Monson never intended for all the young women in the Church to go on missions by dropping that age. We’re very grateful for those that go. It’s changed the face of the Church. It’s going to continue to change the face of the Church. We went from something like 8 or 10 or 12 percent to 30 or 35 percent of the missionary force of the Church being young women and everybody knows that a sister is twice as effective as three elders. But we do not want anyone feeling inadequate or left out or undignified or tarnished because she did not choose to serve a mission. We’re a little irritated with young men who say, ‘I’m not going to date you because you didn’t serve a mission…. … We do not want that type of climate over dating or marriages or who is really faithful in the Church or isn’t. Those are decisions we all make.”

Elder Holland is very forceful in decrying social pressure for young women to serve missions. He also seems to acknowledge and at least tacitly approve of the pressure placed upon the young men. Specific to my point about young women in the church being encouraged to seek after returned missionaries, Elder Holland says that the brethren are “a little irritated with young men who say, “I’m not going to date you because you didn’t serve a mission.” Elder Holland does not say that he or the other brethren are likewise irritated with young women who say the same thing (even though, in my experience, it is much more common for young women to say this than for young men to say this).

I am probably belaboring my point so I will force myself to stop. The cultural disparity on how we understand men’s obligations to serve and women’s obligation to serve is, to me, the proverbial elephant in the room.

Thank you again for your work on this article. This is an important conversation that needs to be had.

This is very timely for my family as my son is currently home and deciding whether or not to go back out.

It’s hard to know how to best support him while allowing him time and space to make a decision that could shape the rest of his life.

Our friends, family, and neighbors have all been very kind. But will that turn to judgment when and if he decides not to return to his mission? Time will tell.

You know, if the spirit of this movement had been around, maybe my senior sister (60+ years old and my junior companion) on my mission would have gone home early and saved everyone a lot of heartache. She was a legend in our mission field because she was a senior sister who managed to alienate both senior sisters she was called to serve with within her first 6 weeks and wound up serving with young sisters for the remainder of her mission.

I served for 6 months with her. At an interview with my mission president either the final transfer, or the first transfer I was away from her, I was venting at my mission president. He turned to me and said, “You know, this is a lot like marriage.” I replied, “Yes, I know – and is one of the reasons why I am currently seriously considering not getting married at all.”

I also reassured him that I would probably get married eventually and we left the conversation on good terms (as far as I know). I also told him that I would not sit next to her on the airplane when we were returning home. He laughed and shrugged it off – but I strongly insisted to one of the elders I had served with switch places with me on the air ride home. He was a good elder and wise enough to realize this was a mental boundary I needed for my internal peace (and potentially the peace of the passengers).

Not long ago DW mentioned the idea about the “snowflake in the blizzard” meaning that the changes ahead are bigger than the changes behind. We speculated for a few minutes on what those changes might be.

After reading this article, I wonder if we might relax on the expectation that every young man serve a mission or maybe expand the “young service mission” as a viable option for anyone considering a mission. Maybe variable mission durations depending on your needs? Maybe a decade or so into the future we can stop saying “the best two years” because missions will come in all shapes and sizes! I hope so.

One of the recommendations Elder Holland suggests is for people who came home early to tell people that they went on a mission but to omit the part about coming home early. I fully understand that as a strategy. In fact it might just do the trick of helping you to escape the single ward years without too much ostracism. I even appreciate that Elder Holland is giving permission for people to feel less guilty about using this particular non-disclosure tactic. Still it seems to be more of a band-aid than a proper healing. I remain hopeful for the types of changes I alluded to earlier.

My affections for Elder Holland go back and forth. However, he seems to creating a platform of psychological healing as of late. I really appreciate it. I know many people love him, hopefully their adoration of him will invite them to be kinder, gentler, less judgmental. If he continues in this vein, I will be a fan.

I like him consistently. Sometimes he can be doctrinaire but his heart is in the right place I believe. He certainly sticks out as a personality when certain others can be bland.

I loved the article. I sent the listed reporters an email.

I received a very short and professional response to my email. The relevant portion to the current topic is below:

I’m sure the missionary program will continue to evolve — as evidenced by today’s announcement about service missions.

I am hopeful that these service mission steps announced today may be an eventual precursur to more change.