The Quest for Constant Joy

My question — how do you keep yourself in that constant state of “enjoyment” that you read about in the scriptures? In a constant state of happiness and excitement about life, in spite of aging, bad behavior of others, obstacles, set backs, situations where people don’t affirm you? In spite of the fact that your environment isn’t giving you positive stimulii that puts you in a good mood?

If you’re talking constant state I’m not sure anyone can. It’s either something that’s not possible or something that we’re not meant to do.

In Mormonese, “having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.” In other words, if you were always “on” (always feeling joy) then wouldn’t joy cease to be joy? You have to experience contrasts to create the delineation, if you cease to have experiences that aren’t joy then you’d cease to have experiences that were joy.

I think we have to experience the doldrums to know joy. There’s the concept of impermanence. Recognizing that the negative environment or circumstances that we find ourselves in are temporary and cannot last forever, while recognizing that the same holds true for positive environments or circumstances, eventually the happiness will give way to unhappiness.

I don’t know, maybe all we can do when experiencing things we find negative is try to put things into a more eternal perspective. Experiencing the negative helps enhance the joy we will feel when circumstances eventually change. We also recognize that happiness is fleeting so we can be more appreciative when we do experience it, all the while knowing not to get too attached.

That’s all very passive though, there are things we can do to change our circumstances, however limited those things are, but conceptually I don’t think we’re meant to (or can) feel joy 100% of the time.

My question — how do you keep yourself in that constant state of “enjoyment” that you read about in the scriptures? In a constant state of happiness and excitement about life, in spite of aging, bad behavior of others, obstacles, set backs, situations where people don’t affirm you? In spite of the fact that your environment isn’t giving you positive stimulii that puts you in a good mood? I’ll be formulating my own answers as everyone participates, as I’ve never really thought much about this…thoughts welcome.

I think enjoyment is one of those things… the more you try to grab it, the more it eludes you. But here’s part of my list, from 3-ish decades of experience, when it comes to finding peace:

1. Low expectations. Most of my resentment in life has come from expecting others to behave better than they would. The rest has come from expecting to have better luck. Things will not go your way. People will disappoint you. And that’s Ok.

2. Gratitude, even for the small things. Socks, warm showers, bread & butter… all delightful luxuries so common we rarely think of them.

I think it’s possible. I was reading about a woman who was abducted and held in a small wooden box for a really long time, let out only a few times a day. She described what it was like, and how she got through it by visualizing happy times with her family. The world is always sending us positive and negative stimulii, but we can influence our inner peace by intercepting the negative stimulii and replacing it with thoughts that are uplifting When there is physical discomfort, I know that’s hard, and to do it 24/7 is exhausting, but I think it’s possible under typical circumstances.

This book describes how to do it:

https://www.eckharttolle.com/power-of-now-excerpt/

I also think this constant state of peace is a goal of Buddhism, so it’s not a new concept.

I have found that being in touch with my mood is really important. For decades, things would happen and I’d feel upset and unhappy. Now, after years of being sick of that, I can say “I am in the doldrums because xyz happened” pretty fast. Then it’s time to counteract XYZ with:

a. Acceptance of the new circumstances

b. Not blaming yourself for xyz happening

c. Focus on the temporariness of XYZ

d. Minimize the possiblity of XYZ happening in the future

e. Plan for XYZ in the future, and make plans to prevent XYZ from happening in the future, or mitigating its effects.

f. Find new pastures when XYZ pollutes existing ones.

If you apply this to the church, then you get the following (aligned with the lower case letter points above):

a) I’ve accepted my local church community will likely always view me with suspicion and lack of respect now. That’s OK, I have accepted it. Even that my TBM daugther likely has that view of me now. I can live with it, as she hasn’t had the life experience I have.

b) I don’t blame myself for my lack of acceptance any more. It’s partly the church culture to put all the burden on the individuals when things go awry. I also am who I am. Although I want to improve, I have come to accept that I have a certain mental set that makes it hard to react to things differently than I do.

c) As soon as I move to a new stake things could turn around. It’s like turning over a new leaf, if I want.

d) I have minimized the church footprint.

e) The people who wronged me — I will never get into a collaborative situation with them again.

f) I found service and joy and relationships in community and with a part-time business.

I don’t try to have constant joy.

I try to have joy as much as possible, but generally steady internal peace is where I put my effort.

Lower expectations of others and acceptance of myself are the keys for me.

In a word, I try to maintain charity as an internal condition.

I think that is better — steady internal peace. I think that is what I ultimately mean.

Another thing — even though having low expectations is a really good thing to have, I have learned to vet people, when appropriate, to make expectations where I want them. For example, unlike in the church, where you are stuck with a limited pool of volunteers, I can make people jump through hoops if they want to be part of my non-profit work. Out of the end of the obstacle course comes a group of people who are fit for the job. They rarely disappoint. In those situations where I can’t vet people, well, low expectations have to rule. I tend not go get myself into those situations, however. Living a life, surrounded by mediocrity is wearing on me. Seek those situations where you feel you can be happiest, if you have a choice — another arrow in the peace quiver.

I believe that some people are naturally more positive. My daughter is like this. She is remarkably resilient and not brought down by other’s opinions. OTOH she also does not seem to understand the concept of remorse and contrition – she literally just does not seem to feel bad.

I do believe that there are some coping techniques and perspectives that might help a particularly negative person to be somewhat more positive or a mildly negative person to be moderately more positive. I have not experienced a naturally negative person becoming overwhelmingly positive.

Yep — some of us are born that way — but we can learn to cope and live productive lives. I read a book, years ago, called healing church hurt. I thought it was a fabulous book.

https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Your-Church-Hurt-Wounded-ebook/dp/B008SG6LRE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1544046602&sr=8-1&keywords=Healing+Church+Hurt

The author drew on some research and indicated that some people are just plain prone to negative thinking, depression, and other downer moods. Trying to change the person is likely not going to be successful.

But training them to live productive lives IN SPITE of these moods, is more than possible. And he cited great people like Winston Churchill and Abe Lincoln as two people who suffered from depression but still did great things.

That was a turning point for me — as someone who has these mood swings and black moods now and then, it was liberating to think that much of the way I am is in my DNA. In fact, in the How of Happiness, we learn that 50% of our happiness is in our genetics, 10% is our circumstances, and the rest — the 40% — is up to us. That is so liberating– to know that DNA strands and other noncontrollable factors tend to dictate our happiness to some extent. Don’t go crying sacriledge when I say that. It’s actually a source of happiness because people like me, with an internal locus of control, can accept that scientific finding — we can relax and love ourselves in spite of negative tendencies. They aren’t wholly our fault.

Then, we can focus on the 40% to do the most we can with our downer times to increase your peace and joy levels.

I have gotten much happier as I got older, and accepting myself the way I am has been very much a part of that.

I don’t hope to change the fact that I tend to hold a grudge about church things that happened 30 years ago. I tried for the longest time to get past it all, and it seems nearly impossible. It’s part of who I am – part of being sensitive is also being hurt deeply when injustice happens — it’s partly an expression of goodness and caring. I do, however, try not to bring them up around my family, as it bores them to death. Most of you have heard my stories to the point you are probably sick of them too.

As Roy once said about one such item, “it’s old news”. That tendency to remember, vividly, the past, may dirty the church water for me, but it doesn’t mean I can’t find new pastures in which to thrive. And if those ones sour, find new ones. Often they don’t sour, or I evolve out of them.

I’ve also learned to avoid people who I sense have potential to hurt me. Did a lot of research on narcissists, for example, as I’ve been their targets three times. Never again, I know how to deal with them now.

People with certain traits and personalities — I try to avoid them. In that past they’ve really hurt me, so I’d rather go off instinct and avoid them — happily.