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So I can’t really tell, but I get the impression that our ward thinks we’re inactive. Let me give a little bit of background on me and my wife so this makes sense. My wife and I are both introverts and so we aren’t very social. We don’t go to any ward activities and we don’t really talk to anyone at church. We just show up and sit down (usually in the back). We are also Sunday school teachers so only 5 of the youth ever see us during the second hour. Many times, not always but often, we leave after the second hour to go to family lunch/dinners. So, while we attend church, we’re aren’t very visible to much of the ward. Some people have even introduced themselves to us, asking if we just moved in… We’ve been in the ward for almost three years.
Earlier tonight, something happened that made me start wondering if we’re perceived as inactive by our ward. Two of the brothers from our ward, with a few young men (none of which are in our SS class) knocked on our door. They introduced themselves saying, “Hi, we’re from the 11th ward.” Then, went on to say they came to invite us to the ward Christmas party. They took a flyer from a small handful and gave it to me. Up in the corner, our last name was written. They also asked if they could come in for a minute. I just told them that our house wasn’t ready for guests (it really wasn’t). They left soon after.
Also looking back, whenever someone talks to us at church, they usually say something to the effect of “We’re so glad to see you.”
I’m getting the feeling our ward sees us as either inactive or less active. Any suggestions (aside from the obvious ‘be more social’) on what to do? Or should I even do anything? Maybe I’m just paranoid
:think: You’re probably seen as being on the less active side. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t be that visible if I didn’t have this calling and/or was on ward council as a result. I’m the guy that usually sits at the back. We are a very transient ward. Just think of it another way – it’s positive that they went out of their way to invite you personally. Don’t take the “glad to see you” thing to heart either – they’re trying to be friendly, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I take it you don’t have HT or do it. That would be seen as a marker of less active. But like I say, don’t take any of this badly. None of it’s actually negative. They’ve invited you and they greet you. They’re not condemning you.
SamBee wrote:Just think of it another way – it’s positive that they went out of their way to invite you personally. Don’t take the “glad to see you” thing to heart either – they’re trying to be friendly, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I take it you don’t have HT or do it. That would be seen as a marker of less active. But like I say, don’t take any of this badly. None of it’s actually negative. They’ve invited you and they greet you. They’re not condemning you.
No you’re right. I don’t do my home teaching/ministering and haven’t been visited by ours. This was the first time we had really been visited by someone in our ward in well over a year. They meant well and are being nice and welcoming. That’s refreshing to see for me. What bothers me (and this is really petty of me) is that I doubt we’d be hearing from anyone if we weren’t perceived this way. I heard a saying once that says, “If you want attention from your ward, go inactive.” Not that I would want the attention. It’s just the principle of the thing that bothers me. But like I said, I’m just being petty.
PazamaManX wrote:
I heard a saying once that says, “If you want attention from your ward, go inactive.”
In my experience exactly the opposite of this was true.
I wouldn’t worry about it, honestly. In the Christmas Party invitation thing it could be that was a YM project, maybe they were assigned as publicity or something and that’s what they decided to do. I’d actually like to be in your position, not for the attention but because of the lack thereof you’ve experienced. If I could get away with sitting on the back bench unnoticed and then slip off to a class, also pretty much unnoticed, and did’t have to interact with people in my ward much I think I might call that Zion.
🙂 (I obviously live outside the Corridor, so an instance like the YM coming to my door with an invitation is very unlikely to happen. But I do plan to go to the Christmas party this year because they’re having ham and funeral potatoes.)You can see who your ministering people are on LDS Tools (just click on your own name in the directory). If you’re really concerned, just send a text or email to your ministering brothers and let them know you’re good and wish them a Merry Christmas.
I try to get to know a lot of the peripheral people in our ward. The main folk have each other and mix with each other, but I’m the guy who talks to the corridor walkers, the folk who only take sacrament, the terminally shy, the eccentrics and the occasional visitors… I do this partly because I’ve been in that position and I think it makes them feel welcome. You get to have much more interesting conversations and a more rounded view of the church. In some cases I’m even able to comment on certain things about the church as a result. They have their own concerns, but also know the church, unlike my non-church friends who don’t have a clue about church life, or my more TBM church friends who I couldn’t discuss this with either. For example, I remember laughing once about how boring a certain speaker was! But on the other hand, you often find that some of these people have a sincere attitude towards the church.
I agree with DJ & Sam. We sit in the back the “peripherals” too. They are my kind “peeps”. I am naturally not a joiner. I don’t have any special talents that draw attention. I do like to
talk with people.
You don’t want to be seen as a project for the ward to work on, but it seems like they are just taking you under their wing so to speak. I also wouldn’t worry about it. It also took a long time to get past the are you new in the ward thing for us, mostly that’s because people are sometimes like us, they are in their own world and don’t know everyone in the ward, even after a loooong time.
I would call my family less active. 1) We hold a calling on Wednesday nights as co-bear den leaders.
2) I work on Sundays and am able attend church about once every 8 weeks.
3) My wife and children attend roughly every other week.
4) My son has mild autism and detests primary music/sharing time. The third hour he attends the adult class with DW or I.
5) I do not pay tithing. DW does.
I believe that my daughter’s young women leaders make an extra effort to include her because they view here as “borderline” or “at risk”. I welcome their interest, concern, involvement, and examples for DD. I figure the more positive adults mentors / role models a kid can have the better.
The new primary president has asked to come over and talk with us about how to help DS with primary. Again, I welcome her concern. I personally cannot imagine any changes being made but to me it is enough to simply reach an understanding that singing/sharing time simply does not work for our son and there is nothing wrong with allowing him to skip it.
Sometimes our church is very individualistic and self reliant. It is our own duty to bring our family to church come hell or high water. That can be lonely sometimes. I personally am willing to accept any extra “helping hands” or attention – especially if it benefits my kids.
SamBee wrote:
I try to get to know a lot of the peripheral people in our ward. The main folk have each other and mix with each other, but I’m the guy who talks to the corridor walkers, the folk who only take sacrament, the terminally shy, the eccentrics and the occasional visitors… I do this partly because I’ve been in that position and I think it makes them feel welcome. You get to have much more interesting conversations and a more rounded view of the church.In some cases I’m even able to comment on certain things about the church as a result. They have their own concerns, but also know the church, unlike my non-church friends who don’t have a clue about church life, or my more TBM church friends who I couldn’t discuss this with either. For example, I remember laughing once about how boring a certain speaker was! But on the other hand, you often find that some of these people have a sincere attitude towards the church.
I said this in another thread, but in a way I will miss the SS hour because I do what Sam and MM do. Ministering will get a little harder for me.
I think there’s a good chance they have you on a semi-active, high potential list. They do that — start treating you like you are inactive, which can only make it worse if you’re not fully there yet.
I would just ignore it. It’s partly the fact you haven’t made yourself known, partly insensitivity and lack of homework on the part of the organizer of the invitation posse.
They completely leave me alone. When this happens, I think this means everyone thinks they know why you aren’t active, and have given up. In my case, there is probably some one-liner about why I don’t come — a watered down, inaccurate reason that puts my problems squarely on my own shoulders. When they start leaving you alone, even when you are at church, apparently a capable person, but not contributing much, I think it means they’ve put you on the back burner for a while. They have no curiosity — no desire to “consume” your situation “on their lusts” because they already think they know.
At least they are showing they care, even though their information may be inaccurate. I’d just dismiss it and keep doing whatever brings you peace in your relationship with the church.
Question to throw out there? How should members of the Church treat the inactive, less-active, or those like many of us who aren’t “all-in” in a traditional sense? Because, come to think of it, I’m not sure how I want to be treated. I just feel very sensitive when it comes to the Church. I hate being ignored. I hate having extra attention paid to me because I’m “less-than-active”. I don’t like it when people go out of their way to be considerate towards me, or when they are inconsiderate. Most Sundays I feel like a powder keg. But I do really appreciate those few (very few) members who have befriended me “before they knew” and don’t treat me any different after they “knew me better”.
dande48 wrote:
Question to throw out there? How should members of the Church treat the inactive, less-active, or those like many of us who aren’t “all-in” in a traditional sense?Because, come to think of it, I’m not sure how I want to be treated. I just feel very sensitive when it comes to the Church. I hate being ignored. I hate having extra attention paid to me because I’m “less-than-active”. I don’t like it when people go out of their way to be considerate towards me, or when they are inconsiderate. Most Sundays I feel like a powder keg. But I do really appreciate those few (very few) members who have befriended me “before they knew” and don’t treat me any different after they “knew me better”.
That’s a very good question because to some extent bishops/ministers/wards are damned if they do and damned if they don’t with all of us – some more than others.
I like to not be treated like I’m inactive. And that means visits from missionaries who treat us that way. I do like it when people I served with as TBM come up to me and talk to me like we still have a good relationship. One lady came up to me and said “you were the best home teacher I ever had!”. She calls me Mr. Hometeacher all the time, which is OK because it is a reference to how good I was. Yet another came up to me and shared all the accomplishments I had as a leader and how much she appreciated them. Others just come up and chat about my job and my work and my life. I like that too. I like a bit of respect for the fact that I’m older, have a lot of experience in the church, and might have something valuable to share. But I don’t expect it — it’s nice when people do it though.
dande48 wrote:
Question to throw out there? How should members of the Church treat the inactive, less-active, or those like many of us who aren’t “all-in” in a traditional sense?For me, in a perfect world, I just want simple pleasantries. A nice little, “Hi, how are you?” is all I really want. Nothing more. If a friendship of some sort springs out of that, then great. Anything more then that, and I either start feeling like a project or wonder what they want from me (callings/volunteering, etc). I guess in a sense, I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the ward to see me as one of them, while still having my space. But of course that’s just a fantasy.
Looking at it from their perspective…they are probably trying to know how to make you feel welcome in the ward and not ignored or forgotten, but maybe don’t know what you want. So they are reaching out, as they would to others who are less active. PazamaManX wrote:
A nice little, “Hi, how are you?” is all I really want. Nothing more. If a friendship of some sort springs out of that, then great. Anything more then that, and I either start feeling like a project or wonder what they want from me (callings/volunteering, etc)
this is perfect. I like that. I don’t know how they can know this is what you want without have a discussion with them.
Anything you have tried so they know where you are and what you need? Anyone you trust well enough to talk about it?
You don’t want to be a project, but you don’t want to be ignored…it’s the introvert’s dilemma.
That is to say…there is nothing wrong with how you’re feeling…it just is part of the church experience in how to deal with others and stay loving.
I always tried to appreciate the efforts others made by seeing it as a sign they care … Even if I didn’t care for how they did it. Accept the offering for what it is, and work towards putting efforts into the relationship as you feel you want to.
But looking at it from their perspective helps.
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