Here’s a hypothetical: bishop’s son and pornography confession

IMO, this is a conversation that is most effective between Father & Son.

Personally, as a teenager, I would never ever want to discuss this issue with Mom.

Hopefully, Dad will have compassion & empathy that is different than Mom.

I would start with that conversation first.

I would let his conscience be the guide. Explain to him why pornography isn’t good (along with whatever comes with it), but indicate acceptance of the sexual urges. Encourage him to pray about what he should do about it, and to act on his conscience as a result. Encourage him to do what is right regarding participating in ordinances and priesthood responsibilities, letting his conscience be his guide.

I understand the use of pornography in certain situations — married men with wives who are not sexually interested over periods of decades, for example. In that respect, pornography, while a weak substitute for live intimacy with a spouse, can hold marriages together when all other attempts at intimacy have failed (please don’t blast me for saying that). But I believe it can also distance a person spiritually from God. Also, it can really change the way you view other people. It can lead to staring at members of the opposite sex, “inventory taking” and annoying thoughts about sex impinging on your day all the time. I think it’s better to live one’s life without it, definitely.

I would continue to affirm your love for him as well.

I have a son who is not really active. To my knowledge he doesn’t look at porn. But I find that if we leave him to his own devices, he EVENTUALLY comes around. On his own, he makes good decisions for school, and even the church. Each person is different, but in his case, letting him decide on his own (an accepting the risks and consequences) seems to have produced inside-out changes in him consistently over time. So, I would be patient.

He viewed it a few times and stopped.

From a purely traditional, orthodox viewpoint, he sinned and repented. From that viewpoint, it is over. Done. End of discussion.

From my own heterodox viewpoint, he didn’t sin. He stopped. It is over. Done. End of discussion.

However . . .

I would tell him most people won’t understand and will make WAY more out of it than it actually is/was. I would tell him it isn’t something he needs to confess. I would tell him to tell anyone who asks from an “official” calling that he just didn’t feel “right” that day (true) and wanted to “get right” (true). I would tell him to stress a desire to feel good about participating (true) and say he was trying to do the right thing (true) – like he has been taught to do (true). He won’t be lying; every word of that is true.

If any leader argues with that . . .

I’ve read this thread with some mild interest. I think there has been some good advice and I particularly do agree with Curt, Roy, and MM (no offense intended toward anyone else and I do believe their comments also have value). I think this is kind of a man to man thing.

That said I think there’s something else that you as his mother do need to consider. Let’s face it, many of the things taught as doctrine in the church (like no porn) are A) not in actuality doctrine and riddled with the instillment of fear and guilt. So a teenage boy “full of hormones” has “viewed pornography a few times” and “feels indifferent about it.” AND, he “absolutely does not want to talk to his bishop father” and “is devastated if he knows he has disappointed mom.” I think you need to honestly ask yourself what you are doing to his psyche (actual and spiritual) by suggesting to him that he has committed some horrendous sin worthy of not blessing the sacrament, which will only bring to him shame, fear, and guilt. I can’t find the direct quote immediately, but Elder Bednar said regarding taking the sacrament (paraphrasing) that unless it is a sin which might put your church membership in jeopardy taking the sacrament is encouraged and is in fact sin is why we take the sacrament. I’d say if one is worthy to take the sacrament (and almost all of us are) one is worthy to bless it, and I know of no one around here who has been ex’ed for looking at porn. As the Dad of now young adult sons with a pretty orthodox mom, you might want to consider what you’re doing to your relationship with your son and his relationship with the church. (My apologies if you’re feeling the power of the Dark Side, but in all honesty sometimes it is the power of the Dark Side that makes change.)

Edited to add the Bednar quote:

It’s my observation, too, some members of the church, especially very conscientious members can be way too hard on themselves. And, so they may have had an inappropriate thought or a fussy word with somebody in the family before they went out the door, and they may think, ‘Oh, I’m not worthy to partake of the sacrament.’ That’s why we take the sacrament. Now if we do something that potentially affects our standing and membership in the church then there should be a real reservation. Otherwise, we should do what we need to do. Be prepared. Even with all of our best efforts. If I get grumpy going out of the house and say something to somebody that I shouldn’t have said. But the sacrament is to help, and we should not withdraw ourselves from that blessing needlessly.

Yesterday I wrote a post nearly identical to DJ’s. I pulled it back because I wasn’t sure I had a good handle on the OP.

We don’t eliminate WoW breakers from sacrament. Porn is the same. Hug him, don’t scold or shame. He has enough on his heart. He needs to know he is loved- NO MATTTER WHAT.

Interestingly I had also almost responded a couple times earlier and also pulled back. I think I just came to the point where there had been ample good advice given, and I felt this needed to be said, not as an affront to the OP but for general consideration. We talk about bleeding Millennials – yet situations like this (hypothetical or not) are one of the reasons they are leaving. In this hypothetical case, it appears the mom, and probably others, have explained their point of view as to why porn is evil and destructive. He doesn’t appear to see it the same way. The information has been given to him and he is making his (now) informed choice. You did your part. He doesn’t need to be vilified for exercising his own agency. In a big ward, if every kid (or adult) went to confess his or her porn viewing to the bishop each time they did it there would be a line outside his door each Sunday longer than he would have time for and still be able to spend time with his family. Please understand I am not minimizing the evil or harm porn can do – I’m just saying it’s not the end of the world like so many other things are not the end of the world.

The mission presidents I’ve talked to say it’s a fact of life and they have to learn how to deal with it.

As the father of a son who had (and probably currently has) these struggles, I agree. It doesn’t mean you don’t address it, it means that you actually DISCUSS it and talk about it. The most dangerous thing you can do is overreact. Many years ago, my wife came across some evidence that one of our daughters had looked at porn. She “freaked out.” Thankfully, I calmed her down before she had some kind of hysterical confrontation with said daughter. In the end, it must have been a one time thing or even a mistake as we never saw any additional evidence of her perusing such material. I remember overhearing a ward member say, “Before any young man marries my daughter, I’m going to sit down and interview him. If he’s ever looked at porn, he’s out!” Yeah, good luck with that. As if any young man would admit to such habits in such a context. As members of the Church, we just don’t TALK ABOUT IT. All we do is FORBID it. All that does is drive the habit deeper and deeper, creating more angst and more of the behavior There needs to be frank, “nonshaming” conversations with our children regarding these issues. The LDS Church and its members have not yet, in my opinion, figured out how to do so very effectively.

I’m not sure how much this will help because I think a lot of good advice has been given already that I agree with. I’m sharing though because I think this something that my husband does so much better than me. We have a son entering his teen years, he spends a lot of time online. As far as I know he doesn’t look at porn and has no interest. That being said, my husband takes every opportunity to talk to him about it, but he always approaches it from ” when I was young I struggled with x,y, and z” . For some reason hearing about his father’s flaws and imperfections from his own mouth always seems to give my son a sense of confidence and perspective. I think we have a tendency to try to hide our past mistakes and struggles from our children, when in reality it may be just what they need to hear, from someone that loves them. I have just observed the immense love and respect my son has for his dad’s advice and opinions, knowing that his dad is willing to be open with him, just as we hope he will be open with us.