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I believe we are all hypocrites, it is a matter of degree. What I find hard to deal with is my own hypocrisy. Now there are some things I avoid, but in other areas I believe I fail to live up to my own standards.
Take the other day, I’ve ended up in a horrific argument with someone. (Not a church member). I complained about someone talking down to me and others at a meeting (I still maintain she did), and I was accused of various things in return including homophobia, which is untrue since none of my criticisms had involved that issue and I had even invited a gay person to go along with me (which she wasn’t aware of). Result? The speaker now hates me, will probably persist in that behavior and I now have a new enemy. Hatred all round where previously there had been minor irritation. Anyway, I digress. I have this ideal of treating people kindly, and sometimes that happens and sometimes not. I don’t get on well with my neighbors either… Love them? I can’t stand some of them!
So how do you deal with your own hypocrisy?
The paradox between the behaviors we exhibit and the behaviors we believe we (or want to believe we should) exhibit is one of the grand paradoxes of the universe. This paradox means we are onto something more complex and dimensional (or real and authentic), and is what I would describe as a more in-depth truth. It actually becomes a personal ethics dilemma – why don’t we live up to our own expectations and act accordingly? Kant (I think it’s Kant) would advise that you evaluate your own behavior against your own principles and values and decide whether you need to apologize to the person (so you can sleep at night). If your humanity fell short in a virtue that you perceive to be important, you apologize, do better and move on.
Utilitarianism would lean towards building better boundaries between you and that person and cutting them from your life without apologizing as the most useful course of action.
As for people-ing, it’s tough. Sometimes in the acquaintance realm I just try to be polite and co-exist (or at least do nothing to cause them greater harm). That can be a good boundary to set. Sometimes it is worth developing a friendship or at least a mutual alliance.
Being human means being misunderstood and getting into arguments with people. I feel that what you do about the situation of being misunderstood and how you handle the emotions at play (yours and theirs) is a huge portion of the human development process.
I guess I deal with by embracing it as part of the journey and decide to act in the way that is most closely aligned with my values while forgiving myself and being charitable towards others (to the degree I can manage).
That’s my $.02 cents, anyways.
I rationalize. I make the situation more comfortable & acceptable in my own mind. Here is an example of hypocrisy, revelation or rationalization under a post titled:
Quote:I have a question
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I am also a hypocrite. There are things that I would not want my children to do but I feel that I can manage the risks. This can result in a “do as I say, not as I do” situation that undercuts my moral authority. As for the complaining situation, DW and I reserve most of our complaining for each other. Complaining or venting can be just a temporary way to let off steam from a momentary annoyance but if you complain or vent to the wrong people that can have lasting consequences. It may be worthwhile to find a confidant that you could complain to that is not connected to the other people that you are complaining about.
One definition of hypocrisy, is doing something you know you shouldn’t/wish you wouldn’t do. I think by that definition, everyone’s a hypocrite. It is very normal, and nothing to feel bad in itself. If you’re a “hypocrite”, by that definition, it means you’re trying. But I don’t think that’s who Jesus or anyone else in the scriptures was referring to when using the word “hypocrite”. What they actually meant, I believe, was those who claim to have moral standards, that are different from the moral standards they internally have. For a light example, saying “You shouldn’t drink coffee, because it’s against the Word of Wisdom” when in reality you do drink coffee and don’t believe it’s against the word of wisdom. That would be hypocritical. But saying the same thing, when in reality you do drink coffee, but know you shouldn’t, wish you hadn’t, and want to stop, would not be hypocritical.
In other words, if we’re claiming to hold ourselves to a certain standard, especially if we’re asking others to do the same, we should actually be striving to live that standard, even if we sometimes fail.
I try to be as unhypocritical as possible. And where I fall short, I forgive myself. I do judge others for being hypocritical, but then temper it with recognizing I too have a lot of sins. If they tick me off as a result, I minimize their role in my life. Some things are easy – I condemn murder, and have lived some decades without ever committing it. On a less extreme note, I don’t have sex with anyone, I don’t take strong drink or drugs ever these days etc. Others less so – love thy neighbor? I hate the people on my street… Well one or two of them, not all of them. Some are okay, one of them has threatened to beat me up and I had to complain to his employer about his behavior. I don’t deny I am to blame for mishandling some of this, but I never felt any love off them. Jesus says I should love them, but I struggle to. Right now things have cooled down, and we have nothing to do with each other. Thankfully it has been like that for a couple of years.
That makes me sound evil, right? Yes, pretty much. It is evil. But if my entire attitude towards life was like this I’d be nowhere. I have a pal who always thanks me for how much I’ve helped him. I think he exaggerates a bit, but he does seem to feel that way. And I have had other people pay me similiar compliments. So I do have a good side as well. There are other worthwhile things I have done, but I’m not going to list them all (nor am I going to list all my evil acts!).
Am I good or bad? Depends who you ask, you will get very different answers. The honest answer is a mixture of both, but I probably lean one way or the other depending on the time. I shudder at some things I have done, but I’m glad I have done more positive things.
Do I stick to my principles? Some of them, but not others. It’s easy for me not to smoke, I never got addicted. But it’s not easy for me to be nice all the time. I think that’s sometimes because when I am nice, folk try and exploit me, and I can’t solve certain problems without complaining. Personal decisions are easier to follow than interpersonal stuff.
In my healthcare ethics class, we made the distinction between “Doing Good” and “Doing No Further Harm”. While we should identify and do as much “good” in the world as we can – our physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional resources may not (and probably won’t) stretch that far all the time to satisfy the common defintiion of “being a good/nice/cheery person”. Sometimes avoiding doing further harm is the best we can do by letting them co-exist in respect. Sometimes, avoiding doing further harm (and purposefully not doing all we potentially could do) is the best we can do so that others have the opportunity to have an experience and grow (or just be).
AmyJ wrote:
In my healthcare ethics class, we made the distinction between “Doing Good” and “Doing No Further Harm”.While we should identify and do as much “good” in the world as we can – our physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional resources may not (and probably won’t) stretch that far all the time to satisfy the common defintiion of “being a good/nice/cheery person”. Sometimes avoiding doing further harm is the best we can do by letting them co-exist in respect. Sometimes, avoiding doing further harm (and purposefully not doing all we potentially could do) is the best we can do so that others have the opportunity to have an experience and grow (or just be).
I like that a lot. Thank you.
AmyJ wrote:
In my healthcare ethics class, we made the distinction between “Doing Good” and “Doing No Further Harm”.While we should identify and do as much “good” in the world as we can – our physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional resources may not (and probably won’t) stretch that far all the time to satisfy the common defintiion of “being a good/nice/cheery person”. Sometimes avoiding doing further harm is the best we can do by letting them co-exist in respect. Sometimes, avoiding doing further harm (and purposefully not doing all we potentially could do) is the best we can do so that others have the opportunity to have an experience and grow (or just be).
Medical personnel are up there with law enforcers for the daily tough decision – e.g. turn off/keep on that machine, give organs to the healthy person not the smoker, making snap decisions about operations, medication etc. It’s not a position I envy. I had some relatives who worked in healthcare so I have heard a lot about it.
The main problem I have is when I’m angry or upset. I think my judgement is impaired, because the primitive brain often overrides the more advanced parts. I end up doing things that I wouldn’t if I was feeling less emotional, but I deal with the consequences later – as do others.
The second problem, as I’ve mentioned above is about feeling trodden on. I have been told I don’t stick up for myself enough, but when I do, I often get negative consequences. But on the other hand, occasionally, it does help things as well and it means people respect you. I find that one a tough call.
I think it’s too strong to use the term hypocrisy in association to occasional failure to live up to our own ideals. I would use that term more for intentional deceit associated with willful disregard for what we say. Made up example: let’s say that I’m an alcoholic and I’m trying very hard to beat it, because I know it’s destructive. I attend AA meetings and I encourage others not to drink. I try not to, but sometimes, I just can’t help it, and I have a little drink and sometimes, I might even binge… I don’t think in that case I’m a hypocrite… I’m just not as strong as I would like and I’m trying to build my strength. If on the other hand, I’m at the AA meetings, leading discussions, decrying alcohol’s effects and telling people with tough love that they need to stop now, but every day, I go home and sit in front of the TV with a bottle of vodka then, yeah, I’m a hypocrite. One of the great teachings of Christianity is that there is an impossible ideal (to be complete, just like God), and that as we strive for that impossibility, we can become better people, even in full knowledge that we aren’t really ever going to reach that unattainable vision of ourselves. The trying is what makes us aware of the gap and gives us the desire to close it as much as we can. As long as we are actively trying, if we occasionally fall short, it’s not hypocrisy.
In the recovering community, relapse, for some, is common. When & if it happens there is a stigma usually attached. I believe Alcoholism & addiction, is a disease. It is the same for someone being treated for cancer & in time, the cancer returns.
Do we make the patient feel guilty (or responsible) for its return?
I have friends who are in recovery of some kind, and we sometimes discuss these issues. I don’t really see relapse as hypocrisy as long as it’s something that the addict tries to deal with and helps others to avoid. As I say, I believe we’re all hypocritical to some degree. It depends what thaf hypocrisy is, how serious and how we try and fix it.
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