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My 9.75 year old daughter has been attending R.S. with me 2x now (all of September). My daughter also rebels every Sunday about going to church. She also tries to shock me by saying, “Mommy, when I grow up I am not going to go to church”. She is dismayed when I shrug and say “Ok”. It seems like my daughter thrives in hearing the lesson with me when I teach, and having me sit in Primary with her on Sundays I don’t teach. Because of these changes, I let the primary president and her primary teacher know that they hadn’t done anything specific, but that my daughter was having a harder time with her peers lately and felt more comfortable with me. I think that the primary leaders are doing the best they can with what my daughter gives them to work with, but that they deserved knowing the backstory and that I was not helicoptering/withdrawing my daughter out of offense. The response they gave me was clearly “thanks for the head’s up, we are happy to see you come with her, let us know if there is anything else we can do”.
The R.S. counselors have reached out to my daughter in love both times she was there. The R.S. president is aware that my daughter attended at least 1x. I could see the R.S. president making a comment to remind me that my daughter belongs in Primary at some point. I know I will lose social currency with the R.S. President in keeping my daughter with me while I teach R.S. – the exact amount I don’t know.
For several weeks now, I have been mulling over my options – trying to figure out what gives everyone the best communication, what actions spend social currency, etc. After the 2nd week my daughter attended the R.S. lesson, it became clear to me that the best short-term plan was to keep her coming with me. I think this plan is feasible up until next January when she “graduates” to Y.W. She does not get to opt out of Primary for Sunday School though – and I have decided I will go to Primary with her on those Sundays as needed.
I did talk to my branch president briefly and explain the situation. He is perfectly comfortable with me taking my daughter to R.S. lessons if that is the place for her for right now. Now, his 5 years are up in December which means things will change next year sometime anyways, probably. But if the R.S. president brings it up, I can honestly say that the branch president is aware of it and then redirect to the “this is what is best for the development of my child right now, I appreciate your concern” party line (which I do).
So Yay?
I agree with your Branch President. Don’t make it more complicated than that. A sister in my ward who I love dearly once told me a story about her mission. This was “back in the day” when parental contact was supposed to be very limited. She served in France (tough place) and was having a very tough time and had expressed that in a letter home. Because it was shortly after an allowed contact time, her father had her phone number and she was surprised to get a call from him when he got the letter. She protested, asserting that she would get in trouble because he called. His response was “If you get any flak for this you let me know. Parents always trump mission presidents.” They had a great talk and it bolstered her spirit immeasurably (why it took the church so long to figure this out is beyond me). So, with that story I’d say the same – parents always trump [fill in the blank]. I also like what MM said – don’t make it more complicated than it is (I know it’s hard, I’m always playing “what if” too).
Just as a side – you say your daughter is “9.75” which could mean she turns 10 either the very end of this year or early next year depending on how much you rounded. Either way, she wouldn’t go to YW next year, it’s the year she turns 12.
Thanks as always. So is she slated for January 2021 than? I know that we basically lost 10 months of Primary time to YW with the change. I still have mixed emotions about it, and figure I will have mixed emotions for the next decade…
I love the way that you lay it all out Amy. That says to me that you are aware of all the potential ramifications and are trying to be strategic (which fits with “Go slow”, “don’t dump all at once”, and “don’t dump the baby with the bathwater”). I too have had my son come with me and my wife to SS, RS, and priesthood meetings. Now that DS is in YM, we require him to go to those meetings for the socialization with his peer group. We still allow him the option on SS meeting weeks.
One potential pathway is to move forward in confidence. When the baptism of my son was coming up I was getting ready to ask what steps I would need to take to perform the baptism or alternatively how I might arrange for someone else to perform the baptism if I was not permitted. I was advised here at StayLDS just to move forward with the assumption that I was to perform the baptism as a matter of course. It changed from my asking permission to perform the baptism to sharing our plan for the baptism program with the leadership. Assume permission to do something and wait for someone to tell you that you cannot. Your results may vary… it is just one potential tool in the toolbox.
The last few years of Primary are hard for many children, maybe even hard for a majority of children. I know quite a few kids that were begging to get out by the time they turn 12 and I know many Primary leaders that understand that many kids have outgrown Primary before they’re allowed to graduate. Just saying that your situation isn’t too uncommon. What’s unique is your approach. The status quo says, “Suck it up and get back to Primary.” or, “You’ve only got 10 more months. Grin and bear it.”
nibbler wrote:
The last few years of Primary are hard for many children, maybe even hard for a majority of children. I know quite a few kids that were begging to get out by the time they turn 12 and I know many Primary leaders that understand that many kids have outgrown Primary before they’re allowed to graduate.Just saying that your situation isn’t too uncommon. What’s unique is your approach. The status quo says, “Suck it up and get back to Primary.” or, “You’ve only got 10 more months. Grin and bear it.”
Yup. That is a saving grace of the 11-year-old launch from Primary. It is balanced by the terror I feel for the potential social fallout of putting my tween with the teenagers in 2021. There are so many ways it can go wrong (and so many ways it could go right)….
I don’t get the luxury of a status quo approach in most areas of my life (mostly for good as it stands). This is one of them.
AmyJ wrote:
My 9.75 year old daughter has been attending R.S. with me 2x now (all of September).
I’m glad your daughter is decimalized.
😆 Only joking.What does she think of the other people there? I think forming bonds with other members, especially her own age, is important.
SamBee wrote:
AmyJ wrote:
My 9.75 year old daughter has been attending R.S. with me 2x now (all of September).
I’m glad your daughter is decimalized.
😆 Only joking.What does she think of the other people there? I think forming bonds with other members, especially her own age, is important.
My daughter does not like people or socializing (if you ask her)and will spend 5-10 minutes explaining with a litany of reasons why this is so.
My daughter does not have strong bonds with other kids – some of it is from being an introvert (in an introvert family), some of it is because she does not conform to social norms (and the other kids don’t know what to do with her or about her), and some of it is rebellion from the fact we are working with her on socializing appropriately (and minimal socialization at all as part of belonging to a group). My daughter is more comfortable with and has better interactions with adults than children. While I would like her to bond with some of the other kids her age, getting her to bond with anyone at church is a victory.
AmyJ wrote:
Thanks as always.So is she slated for January 2021 than? I know that we basically lost 10 months of Primary time to YW with the change. I still have mixed emotions about it, and figure I will have mixed emotions for the next decade…
Yes, they “move up” or are ordained at the beginning of the year they turn 12 whether they turn 12 January 1 or December 31 of that calendar year. If your daughter is turning 10 this year, she goes to YW in 2021. If she turns 10 in January 2020 (or later in 2020) she moves up in 2022 (because that’s the year in which she turns 12). Another way of looking at it is they are 11 on January 1 of the calendar year when they move up (unless their birthday is Jan. 1 in which case they are 12 already). The change moved the “graduation” from Primary to Jan. 1 for everybody instead of being directly related to their birth date.
AmyJ wrote:
SamBee wrote:
AmyJ wrote:
My 9.75 year old daughter has been attending R.S. with me 2x now (all of September).
I’m glad your daughter is decimalized.
😆 Only joking.What does she think of the other people there? I think forming bonds with other members, especially her own age, is important.
My daughter does not like people or socializing (if you ask her)and will spend 5-10 minutes explaining with a litany of reasons why this is so.
My daughter does not have strong bonds with other kids – some of it is from being an introvert (in an introvert family), some of it is because she does not conform to social norms (and the other kids don’t know what to do with her or about her), and some of it is rebellion from the fact we are working with her on socializing appropriately (and minimal socialization at all as part of belonging to a group). My daughter is more comfortable with and has better interactions with adults than children. While I would like her to bond with some of the other kids her age, getting her to bond with anyone at church is a victory.
I’m an introvert too, but I still think we should learn to socialize at an early age. That doesn’t entail conformity but an ability to understand and deal with others.
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