Feeling the pull..

Hi Heavily Laden,

It is good to hear from you again!

I am sorry to hear that the CoC has not been as fulfilling long term as what you had hoped. I have some thoughts:

Community of Christ fulfills a need in my life but there just isn’t a variety of viewpoints and teaching that happens there. I appreciate the modern scriptures of D&C 160-163 and see God in those sections, but they go over the same things over and over again. They ignore their rich, faith promoting history, some of it is astounding and wonderful. It is also the only place that I will take the sacrament because it is open for anyone to partake. … [snip] So now I am kind of lost, trying to find that ideal worship experience that only exists in my mind.

It sounds like you are past the honeymoon phase with the CoC and have found that there are some things that bug you there as well. I find this experience helpful because I assume that almost any group that I could attach myself to would have certain strengths and weaknesses and the weaknesses may become more pronounced as you move into established membership and leadership. I have visited many different churches and participated in some great programs but I have always kept the LDS as my “Home Church”.

I dressed in a polo shirt, dockers and tennis shoes, I got a warm welcome anyway. People introduced themselves to me, asked me where I was from (I lied and told every person somewhere different) and was even given a personal invite to Elder’s after the meeting.

I personally see that as a very short term strategy. If you wish to return to this ward even sporadically then some people may compare notes and raise red flags. I personally find that many of the benefits of the LDS church (community support) are difficult for a visitor to access.

I am not able to attend my assigned Ward. I have a long history in that building, most of it is hurtful. I would also be called into the Bishop’s office, interviewed and if the truth came out, I would be facing disfellowship or worse due to my activities (which never panned out) at the other church.

I would not recommend going back to your home ward. At the same time I am not sure that discipline would be in order. I am not sure exactly what you did that might cause you trouble? Was it helping to launch the “special ministry for Mormons”? how would anyone know that unless you volunteered it? The fact that you never received the Melchezidek priesthood is in your favor. Still, if you don’t feel comfortable there – don’t go. We go to church to be spiritually fed.

Do we just do what we have to do to survive being a part of a flawed church?

Yes. All groups have limitations. They can be helpful in some ways and burdensome in others. However “It is not good for man to be alone”. Life is better with community to share it with.

Why do we bother to begin with when many of us aren’t able to participate in many aspects of the church?

The LDS church has levels. There will always be pressure to participate at the highest level (melchezidek priesthood, holding a calling, paying tithing, attending often, having a TR, going to the temple). If you start to go to an LDS ward as anything other than a visitor there will be pressure to do more. From our previous conversation, it sounds like that is not what is best for your family.

When do people like me give up or burn out?

I think your goal is to find a home church where you can feel belonging and community long term. Also there are switching costs. Every time you switch you lose some of your investment in the previous church community.

When do we get found out and then kicked out?

I do not think you would ever get “kicked out”. Especially if you are attending as a visitor and are not drawing attention to yourself by disrupting the ward in some way. However, I wonder if this is what you want. You want something that you can do together with your family and feel belonging and unity there, right? how is what you are doing moving you closer to that goal?

Wow Roy, thank you for your reply. It is very generous of you to type such a long message. You must really care about us.

We do care. None of us know exactly what you are going through or have experienced but we all have gone through our own hardships and faith transitions. (as an aside, you and I are also in the same age bracket)

I am sorry to hear about the contention that happened at the CoC and how that affected your family. Things were looking so positive before. I suppose, No matter where you go humans are gonna human. I do not have answers but I do have opinions 😆

You made me rethink my strategy a bit. If I am going to go to this Ward on a semi regular basis, I should be more honest with them. I just don’t want someone to phone home and gossip or complain that I am there instead of my home Ward. If I am going to be unofficially be part of the community there, I should be honest. Essentially, I am hiding there and I really don’t want to be found by anyone else outside of the meetings I am attending. Does this make me paranoid?

I suppose that you could come up with a cover story. What would be a plausible reason for you to attend sporadically indefinitely and not live within the ward boundaries. If you keep coming back they will ask you. They will do so to be friendly and to see if you need support, but also they will want to see about moving your records into the ward and give you a calling etc.

However, I just do not see that giving you what you want.

I was part of a Elder’s Q before I moved, that had a lot of comradery, I had a sense of belonging. We were similarly aged, we were in the same spot in our lives, which helped me overcome some of the things that I am working on. I do a lot of walking alone, it is boring and depressing. LDS people don’t handle weird situations too well, I fully expect that people will eventually stop talking to me because I am not a part of the Ward, so I can enjoy it while it lasts. A part of me hopes that maybe these people would be different.

The church can be amazing as a community and support network but it works best when you are all in and progressing. I do not foresee building up any real relationships as long as you are lurking as an anonymous visitor and when you step out of the shadows there will be pressure to get you progressing (and your wife doesn’t want you getting too involved).

Sounds like the CoC is not providing the real friends your age that you are wanting. I do not see the LDS church doing a better job of it given the circumstances. There are too many complications. If I were you I might try some general Christian churches. They have some good people, some have good programs in which you and your family could come and meet people, AND they tend to be less demanding time and energy wise than the LDS church. Somewhat like your experience with the CoC (I presume), you can associate with many of these churches at arms length for as long as you need without much pressure.

You also might try for activites or clubs that are not religious at all. LIONS, Toastmasters, Hiking or biking clubs, parent’s clubs, sports clubs. The broader community of your town/city must have lots of organizations. Most all of them are hungry for new members with very few strings attached.

Again, I do not have answers – just opinions. It seems to me that there are less complicated ways to make friends.

The church can be amazing as a community and support network but it works best when you are all in and progressing. I do not foresee building up any real relationships as long as you are lurking as an anonymous visitor and when you step out of the shadows there will be pressure to get you progressing (and your wife doesn’t want you getting too involved).

That’s been my experience.

Heavy_Laden,

You mentioned you do not yet have the Melchizedek PH. I suspect that most social interactions you will have at church will revolve around helping you obtain the Melchizedek PH and getting your family sealed in the temple. Unchecked boxes (ordinances) often take the focus, they’re seen as needs that must be filled. It may not be the right thing at the right time for some people, often it’s more the case that doing undone ordinances is filling a leader’s needs more than it is filling an individual’s needs.

Personally I’ve found that setting boundaries has had an overall negative effect on my sense of belonging. Making a conscious decision to not be 100% all in is a tricky place to be.

If you’ve communicated that you don’t want a calling or don’t want to participate in the home teaching program (now called ministering), members make give you a wide berth in all other social aspects of the church. So much so that you feel shunned or like an outsider. To be fair, I don’t believe it’s people intentionally shunning, other members may be giving you distance out of respect of the boundaries you have communicated. A leader may think, “They’ve said they don’t want a calling, so I probably shouldn’t ask them to give a talk, or give a prayer, or ask them to teach a lesson, etc.” and you may find yourself on the outside looking in because you’ve only communicated what you don’t want, not what you do want, and the leaders are playing it safe.

I’ve also found that I feel like an outsider when setting certain boundaries because I have removed myself from so much of what it means to be LDS. Going back to the example of setting a boundary of no callings… if you don’t accept a calling in church you’ve effectively cut yourself out of the majority of the LDS social experience. I only mention that because I often feel invisible at church and I don’t lay that entirely at the feet of members in my ward. I recognize that I’ve set boundaries that limit my social interactions and must accept the consequences of that decision.

I know it’s a hard road. Good luck!

If I am not a member of their Ward, wouldn’t I be excluded from a calling? I have never heard of a LDS person having records sent to a Ward of their choosing, making them available for callings and assignments. I actually heard it would require First Presidency approval? Not willing to go there..

That’s mostly true, but with leadership roulette sometimes you lose and sometimes you hit the jackpot. Our stake seems fairly liberal about allowing people to attend another ward especially if the SP thinks it’s in the best interest of “the one.” As far as I know policy is that FP approval is required but I am aware that the SP has fudged it in several cases. Your mileage will likely vary. But if you did live near me he’d very likely condone you attending another ward, especially if he thought it would help you progress to the “next covenant.”

A week later, he told me that the SP, the other bishop, and himself had all discussed it and supported the move, and our records were moved. It never went higher than the SP that I know of.

We had a similar situation about 10 years ago. We were attending a later ward because of my work schedule. The bishops talked to the SP. The SP said that he would not officially move our records but that we could continue to attend the other ward without any church permission. The bishop actually encouraged my wife to attend our home ward without me. He promised that the RS sisters in the ward would help my wife with our young children during sacrament meeting. It struck me as nutty that we were being discouraged from going to services together and united as a family … and even in the same building but only 3 hours later than our assigned time.

If I am not a member of their Ward, wouldn’t I be excluded from a calling? …

Yes, there is that. If you don’t want a calling then don’t press to get your records transferred to the ward you’re attending.

There is that out as well. It really does depend on what you want. I have several anecdotal stories as well but I’ll spare you those ones because that point has been made and I agree the FP thing is likely a response to try to keep the masses from requesting it. I will tell this story, though. We have a “member of our ward” who does own a house here (it’s rented to a member family currently) and did actually live at that house for many years while his family was growing up. He travels extensively all over the country for work, but he did that when his kids were young as well. Most of his children have settled in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saint Corridor, and a few years back his wife relocated there as well (she works for a large international hotel corporation headquartered in SLC). His membership record, however, remains here. He does visit on occasion, maybe 3 or 4 times a year and usually in conjunction with his business travel. It took me quite a while to figure out why he leaves his record here when he actually does spend the majority of his home time in SLC. Then it dawned on me – he’s got it great. He doesn’t have a calling because he’s never here, yet he can still have a TR because he is a member of our ward and presumably can answer the questions appropriately (I do know he does go to the temple sometimes). The fact that he’s never here doesn’t mean he doesn’t attend church, and knowing him well enough I’m pretty sure he does attend church almost weekly, wherever he is. He’s way more sly than I thought he was.

I am way more smarter than that nowadays. I don’t give people jurisdiction over me, but I have done my best to stay away from that situation.

:thumbup:

I think that’s a great way to handle it. It also shows that we learn and grow through these less than ideal organizations.

Sometimes the purposes of God can be achieved even despite the church and it’s imperfections.

How we handle these challenges and feelings is part of the experience.

I don’t think there is a “wrong” way of doing it…you just be you, follow your heart, don’t give others power over you, stay humble and seek to serve and contribute and learn…but do it your way.

The hard part is that at some point it doesn’t feel the middle way is supported anywhere except in your heart. But then again, maybe that is the point. Maybe we are to learn to go inwards and trust our instincts and impressions instead of having others validate us.

Maybe if God provided the Golden Community…we would be robbed of the struggle to create our own?

I second Roy’s comments…we don’t know for sure. But it’s one hell of a ride! And there are others journeying on their own, perhaps we can individually journey together.