The Great Progeny Contest

I do see this among members, but I also see it some among the general populous. My MIL is in a nursing home and as far as I know is the only member among around 200 residents. There’s lots of people there who talk about how many grand, great-grands, and even great-greats they have. That often shows up in obits too. But I do think it’s sort of a bigger thing among Mormons. Even GA bios talk about how many kids they have. What difference does that really make?

My parents (in their 70s) see this with their friends, there seems to be a huge status/bragging right status placed on: 1. Number of children/grandchildren; 2. The career/church career status of children (my son is a bishop, stake president, etc., partner, vice president at company X); 3. How often they are able to get everyone together and how many of them come for family dinners or on family vacations. There seems to be some status in being able to get everyone together frequently.

I think there used to be more emphasis on all the kids having gone on missions, married in the temple, etc. It seems like more and more now, there are adult children who either didn’t do these things, or did them and are no longer active in the Church. Most families are being forced to deal with this fact and still get everyone together and relate to each other, which I think is a good thing.

Is there another parallel with the Family History Program of the church?

– how many names can I send to the temple?

– how many names can I index?

– what historical people am I related to?

– who in church history am I related to?

I must say, I do find this program to be very interesting.

Because, at some point, we are all related. IMO

Maybe it’s just me, and maybe it’s not even an LDS thing, though I suspect it is. My husband and I have two grown children (ages 39 and 37). Both are divorced and living with significant others. Neither of them has any children. I actually didn’t want a large family myself, although I would have been happy for another child had it worked out that way. It seems to me that LDS people are almost fixated on having a huge progeny. It’s as if they measure their self-worth by how many children, grand-children and great-grand-children they have…

It’s definitely not just you; there is no question that there is something to this especially here in Utah. I have had multiple LDS neighbors with 7-8 children and multiple LDS co-workers with 5 or more. It seems like it is a fairly strong part of the traditional LDS culture that one more thing in the list of expectations of what you are supposed to do in order to be a truly good Mormon is to start having children as soon as possible after marriage and not stop as long as possible, or at least until you have more than double the national average. Of course not every active member buys into this but there are still many that do including some of my younger cousins still in their early twenties.

I’m sure there are some that just like the idea of having many children themselves for whatever reason such as that they grew up in a large family themselves and that appeals to them also without necessarily looking down on or judging others that don’t have many if any children. But I also have no doubt that there are some that really do see this as some sort of measuring stick directly related to the idea that they think they are better than others. I know the Church has actually made official statements that it is a personal decision for each couple to decide how many children to have and when but I’m not sure all that many got the message so far.

In the October 2011 General Conference Neil L. Andersen was still pushing the idea that not waiting to have children to finish school or have more financial stability was the way to go and that “multiplying and replenishing the earth” was a serious commandment and obligation to fulfill. Personally I think it is irresponsible of Church leaders to encourage or let members feel so much pressure about having children because of the unnecessary stress and financial burden they could suffer as a result of this. Even if they can manage to get by what if some men end up dying fairly young in a car crash or due to unexpected health issues and then you have women that have been full-time stay-at-home moms their entire adult lives with 7 children to feed? It’s like there’s no back up plan or regard for any practical concerns just take a leap of faith and hope for the best which is easy for Church leaders to say when they’re not the ones that will have to live with the results when things don’t work out quite like the Disney movie perspective on life.

I can’t speak to how this works in other cultures and religions but I know it is a big deal where I live. Obituaries, anniversary announcements, professional bios, and private conversations will almost always make some reference to number of children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren and if they are ALL returned missionaries and/or card-carrying members with families of their own, you can bet that will get a mention. I saw it in my own father’s family in which every brother had been a bishop and every sister a relief society president. When my grandfather died (a wonderful man by the way), it was certainly brought up multiple times.

But, you know. there are some tough things that individuals in large families have to endure (fewer resources, less parental and grandparental attention, lack of privacy). It’s not my place to judge the number of children one should have or criticize anyone for that number. But having grown up in a family of eight, I knew that for me personally, once married, large numbers of children would simply not work (I have five). I knew a family of 16 children (a number often brought up when discussing this family with whispers of awe) but I also knew that the family struggled financially to support those children and that the constant competition for their parents’ attention created hostility between siblings and frustration in the parents. I wouldn’t be surprised to find that children in superlarge families rarely have families that large themselves.

It’s painful to put up with but it’s very human to brag. And if some of your accomplishments aren’t what you’d like them to be you’ll focus on those that are. If I can’t brag about my large numerous family, I’ll definitely find something to brag about. And, generally, I do.

I work in banking and keep a photo of my family (parents/siblings) on my desk. The topic of kids will come up and I’m often asked if I have any. It’s amazing how many people reply with “you have plenty of time” when I say I don’t currently. Occasionally I even state “I don’t know if I ever will” and they just seem unable to process that statement as a fact, not a despairing cry for comfort.

When I was a teenager, I used to swear that I didn’t want kids — EVER! I came to that conclusion by babysitting the neighbor kids. My mom always used to tell me that it was different with your own. After I met my husband, I changed my mind and decided that I actually did want a couple of kids — at some point in the very, very distant future. We had our first (of two) children 9 1/2 years after we got married, and it was by choice that we didn’t have any before then. I was 30 when I got pregnant, and I more or less decided when I turned 30 that I probably ought to get started, just in case I ended up having problems conceiving (which I didn’t). I got a lot of static over our choice. My parents were fortunately completely supportive of the decision being ours and ours alone. My sister-in-law, though, used to call us long distance (not cell phones back then) and tell us it was our responsibility to multiply and replenish the earth. When I told me parents about her hounding us, my dad said, “God commanded Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth. He commanded Noah to build a ark. Ask her if she’s started on her ark yet.” I never got the chance, but boy! would I have loved to do so. We still don’t have grandkids, and quite frankly, it doesn’t bother me all that much. Yeah, I’d like some, but I am definitely not in any kind of despair over it. People annoy me.