How to tell my daughter

In the end, you need to do what you believe is best. I wish I had a clearer answer than that, but I don’t.

My youngest daughter is about to graduate from high school and now is inactive. I make my choices for myself, not for her. I support her choices for herself, not for me. I separate the two completely at this stage in her life. She will be gone in a year, and it is important to me that she know I love her and respect her no matter what she chooses with regard to religion. She has a wonderful heart and lives the Gospel well. I am fine with that.

I think that we do things for our children’s benefit. Whether that is arranging playdates or moving into a better school district, we make calculated decisions on how to best raise them. DW and I attend the LDS church partly for the standards and community support in helping to raise our children. My children do not like the church services but seem to like the Wednesday night activities. DW and I appreciate that my kids are accepted and integrated fairly well with the youth of the ward.

it is important to me that she know I love her and respect her no matter what she chooses with regard to religion. She has a wonderful heart and lives the Gospel well.

I love this sentiment. If you are not already telling your daughter, I would recommend telling her that you admire the person that she is becoming, you are impressed by the way that she carries herself as an independent and not a follower, that you respect that she has a good head an her shoulders and a good track record of making logical, value based decisions, or that “She has a wonderful heart and lives the Gospel well” even without warming a pew every Sunday.

As a parent of teenagers, it can be easy to be critical. Make sure to praise who they are and what they are doing. Hopefully this keeps the communication channel open in case they need to turn to you for help at a later stage.

Specifically about your church attendance. I do not think that I would have a big talk about it. You can go sometimes and not go at other times. Demonstrate to your daughter that you can skip church if you feel like it and still be a good person … and you can go back to church after a hiatus too.

Good luck and God bless!

It was so interesting that 2 people that have been inactive in there lives got up and bote their testimony about it. One of them had just came back after a year and said she has always believed even if she hasnt gone to church.

Well maybe i dont believe everything in the church but i still do in some things maybe just in a different way. I dont think this girl has had a faith crisis. Interesting anyways.

I know a woman who went inactive. I dont talk to her alot but she is one of the kindest people i know. I always felt she was a good example of a member of our church even if she didnt go. I have told my my daughter how i feel about this lady.

Ok i decided not to go to church today. My daughter was home. It was really quiet in my house. My daughter woke up first and i had a feeling she was wondering why i didnt go to church. After a while she came in my room and asked me why i didnt go. I told here i felt i needed to stay home. She was content but i also told her that a person can be good and not go to church. I also told here I’m going to go to church when i want. And told her i still might at time but it will be when i want to.. she smiled and told her she is a good person and has still chosen to live the word of wisdom and the law of chastity ( I used different word though).. I also told her that if she ever wanted to go to church i would be glad to go with her any time.

p.s. i also told one of my inactive sisters a few days ago that i havent been going to church all the time and part of the reason why. She understood. I felt accepted by her. The one hard part was i told her not to tell my active mom because i didnt know if she could handle that. Im not sure how that will work out. I guess time will tell.

Thanks everyone

I honestly feel that this is a wonderful step forward.

The church offers a community, a support structure, and a belief system. Why do we feel the need to go to church every week like clockwork even when we do not want to go (except when we are ill)? One reason is that we believe it is part of keeping the sabbath day holy as god commanded. The next part is that it is a very visible part of keeping the sabbath day and others can then use your compliance as a gauge for you righteousness.

We spend great effort worrying about getting people’s butts in the pews on Sunday, and perhaps not enough effort in loving them and making them feel accepted for who they are. The assumption is that if your butt is in the pew that you are saved and if you choose to stay home then you are not – more or less.

( I dont want her to think i am not spiritual and for her to think i dont beileve in some of the things i still believe in)

I think the youth of today are generally turned off by what they see as hypocrisy, judgment, and exclusiveness in our religious systems.

i also told her that a person can be good and not go to church. I also told her I’m going to go to church when i want. And told her i still might at time but it will be when i want to.. she smiled and told her she is a good person and has still chosen to live the word of wisdom and the law of chastity ( I used different word though).. I also told her that if she ever wanted to go to church i would be glad to go with her any time.

This is great. It does not have to be all or nothing. You can go to church when you feel inspired to go and that is ok. The door is always open to you and your daughter and you would be glad to accompany her if she decides to go. She is a good person and can make good choices in the things she consumes and the relationships she pursues for reasons that are deeper and more personal than who is judging her and what the bishop would say. (incidentally, it would not be the end of the world if she drank some iced tea. The most important parts of the word of wisdom are to avoid alcohol and drug use and I would praise my child for making good choices in those respects.)

i also told one of my inactive sisters a few days ago that i havent been going to church all the time and part of the reason why. She understood. I felt accepted by her. The one hard part was i told her not to tell my active mom because i didnt know if she could handle that.

I am sorry for this. it sounds like there is some perception from your mom that if you do not go to church every Sunday that your soul and eternal family relationships are in danger. She may even blame herself thinking that she failed to raise you properly. From what you have written you are a very good person wanting to raise your daughter with love and support. You are a good daughter to your mother. You are a good sister to your sister and you are a good mother to your daughter. God looks upon our heart and I believe that you have a heart that is honest and caring. It would be a shame if your mother could not see that and would choose instead to focus on your inconsistent church attendance as some sort of major moral failing. I am sorry that your mother appears to be unable to affirm and validate you for the good person that you are independent of church participation. However, the fact that you are able to provide a measure of that personal affirmation and validation to your daughter is huge and positive in my opinion.

Maybe i think she doesnt believe a person can make good choices with out the church.

That is actually pretty common. When I first started having my faith crisis my wife worried that I might start drinking and going to bars. That would be very out of character for me to do. She explained, “Everything else is changing, how do I know what will go next.”

I made some promises to her of some standards that I would keep with or without the church (WoW and LoC) and I have earned her trust.

Also after the initial phase of my faith crisis, I asked my mother if she had worried about me and the choices I might have made. She responded, “You have a good heart and a smart head on your shoulders. I always knew that you would figure it out.” I think she worried more than she is willing to say. However, it was super meaningful to have my mother’s vote of confidence without the implication that that there was only one correct answer or conclusion for me to come to.

I really think talking to my daughter last Sunday was the right thing to do. Im not sure what she is thinking for sure but i really feel with me not going to church last week helped my daughter know that we as people in this world really do have a choice. So this is what happened today. I did decide to go to sacrament meeting. I really felt i was okay to go. So I told my daughter beforehand that i was. She didnt come with me but when i got home she was ready to go somewhere. She had called here friend to go to church with her. Thats. Where she is right now. She hadnt been to church in a while.