Happiness: What Does It Mean To You?

Personally, I don’t like how the church talks about how “real” happiness can only come from the gospel. It makes it easy to ignore things that actually make you happy now, hoping that someday you’ll find this elusive “real” happiness. Or that you would have better, “real” happiness if only you were more worthy.

I’ve often wondered why I don’t seem to have a lot of true happiness in my life. I often find contentment and pleasure, but I always thought these were not “real” happiness.

Are pleasure and contentment the same thing as happiness? I’m not sure there’s a whole lot of difference. When I have a bowl of ice cream or eat at a good restaurant, is that happiness? How about when I listen to my favorite song or watch my favorite TV show? How about when I have a game night with my family? I would say all of these count as happiness.

I guess I used to think “real” happiness was some profound, otherworldly experience that I could get if only I was more diligent in the gospel. Now I’m beginning to think it’s kind of a waste to keep chasing after some “better” happiness, and I should try and enjoy what I have. I think there are some things in life that are probably a different level of happiness, like falling in love, getting married, or having a child, but these events are few and far between. I think most of life’s joy probably comes from simple things like taking a needed nap, cracking jokes with family and friends, reading a book, etc.

Basically, I’ve spent most of my life so far trying to find some grand purpose that would give me true joy and happiness, but I haven’t found anything. Looking back I can see I’ve been so obsessed with wanting everything to be meaningful that I’ve missed out on many of the things that actually make me feel happy.

So for me I think happiness is anything that makes me feel that life is good and worth living. I think pleasure, contentment, and joy are all types of happiness. They may differ in how long they last or how intense they feel, but in the end I would say they’re all the same thing.

To me, happiness is a state of peace in which nothing bothers you. It is coupled with emotional stability — an absence of big mood swings.

Now, I realize happiness can different means to different people. Most of our church or other religions in other think that just living only by those standards or teachings only cause happiness, nothing else can, although many in our church and those same religions will admit life isn’t always so black and white. As the Book of Mormon says, “Wickedness never was happiness.” However, I don’t agree with that. I’m not saying it’s good to harm yourself, others, or living things in anyway. Unfortunately, there are people that feel good abusing, murdering, or taking advantage themselves, people, or animals in anyway. I’m just saying that the church, everything in the church or church scriptures, or other religions is right for everyone and in every situation. Many people seem to have found happiness even in atheism or agnosticism. Problems and traumatic experiences can also change a person perspective about happiness. Is happiness or contentment the same? Is there a difference? Does it matter? I would love to see your comments.

SIDE NOTE: As a fellow Aspie raising a daughter in very alike circumstances, I feel that there is a tendency for people with our brain wiring to link together “happiness” and “contentment” closer than most people do. In my day-to-day life, I have found that my contentment level is a first-order-approximation of how I really feel. It’s only after I have established whether I am content or not that I can delve into what it is exactly that I am feeling.

One thing that I have learned in my faith transition is that most people intellectually and without thinking about it can and do separate the “gospel” – usually those actions that cultivate serving others and becoming a more ethical/moral driven person from the actual protocols, rules, and rituals that drive the community culture and organization in theory. It is only when a person starts flirting with Fowler’s Stage 4 that that deconstruction becomes huge ongoing event. It gets interesting – I have conversations with my mom that she attributes my personal improvement to promptings from the Spirit, and I attribute it to ethical thinking. Intellectually, she gets it – the gospel and church are not the same – but my reality is at best a theological theoretical construct for her.

Happiness has a connotation of being the result of active efforts, and I think is more of a high-level activity. For example, the Constitution has “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness: – these were active avenues when it was originally written and is still viable today. I believe that when it was originally written, it was actually “the pursuit of land” – another high level avenue of happiness at the time. That’s also the high level seen in the Book of Mormon – it describes when and general principles the people were “happy” – usually serving others.

Peace was more of a passive, individual side product of seeking happiness, I think. It is my impression in the last 10-20 years, people have been shifting to pursuing peace by setting boundaries, meditation, and looking inward.

Contentment, to me, has a connotation of being and-in-the-moment thing – like the Post-Thanksgiving nap. It seems to be the culmination of happiness and peace, but less grand.

I wish I knew. I enjoy being with other people and miss it when I don’t, but I also find people very hard work and stressful and they keep trying to pull me into their fights with each other. Social interaction is a mixed blessing.

I get happiness from natural beauty, decent art, some music and some films. I love some books as well. It is hard to put my finger on in some ways.

To me, happiness is a state of peace in which nothing bothers you. It is coupled with emotional stability — an absence of big mood swings.

This is an extremely important point, SD. I used to confuse happiness with excitement and mania, as many people do, but that isn’t right. Those highs lead to extreme lows and can’t be maintained in the long term.

I think Buddha hit the nail on the head when he talked about the Middle Way. It is really about steering your boat through the middle without ending up on extremes.

I don’t pretend to have a particularly profound answer to that question but I do remember that Victor Frankl (author of Man’s Search for Meaning) didn’t believe that our ultimate quest should be for happiness but rather that, through our choice, we impose or discover some meaning from our lives. I’ve always really appreciated the following quote from Man’s Search for Meaning:

Once, an elderly general practitioner consulted me because of his severe depression. He could not overcome the loss of his wife who had died two years before and whom he had loved above all else. Now, how can I help him? What should I tell him? Well, I refrained from telling him anything but instead confronted him with the question, “What would have happened, Doctor, if you had died first, and your wife would have had to survive you?” “Oh,” he said, “for her this would have been terrible; how she would have suffered!” Whereupon I replied, “You see, Doctor, such a suffering has been spared her, and it was you who have spared her this suffering — to be sure, at the price that now you have to survive and mourn her.” He said no word but shook my hand and calmly left my office. In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning, such as the meaning of a sacrifice.

SamBee, I agree that excitement and mania aren’t happiness. That and people can become addicted to those things. Thanks for letting me know about Asperger’s Disorder. I’ve found some websites that mention the term is being replaced with Autism Spectrum Disorder. When things are finally ultimately under control with the COVID-19, I’m going to see if I can get tested at the local university in my town for ASD.

I think it is much more common than people realize. I think if you look in the 40+ age range, there are a lot of people who have it who were never diagnosed. The emphasis seems to be on diagnosing kids, and that’s only really happened since the mid nineties. The diagnosis for adults seems to be complex, which is probably why they discourage it.

I know quite a few people who are on the spectrum. Some are diagnosed but I have strong suspicions about others. They’re all very different characters. I know one guy in his fifties who has many distinct traits of it, but refuses to acknowledge it. He gets meltdowns and has obsessive interests to name but two.

Some folk have been misdiagnosed. I know other folk who got diagnosed with BPD, Bipolar, ADHD and even schizophrenia who got rediagnosed as ASD, which bizarrely is a relief to them.

Not really sorry to see the Aspergers label bite the dust for the reasons I say above. If folk want to identify with it, that’s their choice, but it’s disappearing.